The Tears Of My Soul 12

The Tears Of My Soul

Part 12

Posted: April 4, 2008
Title: The Tears Of My Soul
Author: Zilah

*****

Erestor couldn’t sleep. The memory of the pain in Glorfindel’s beautiful eyes haunted his days and nights. The pain that Erestor had caused. Even in slumber he couldn’t get rid of the devastating guilt he had felt since Glorfindel left. Erestor wondered constantly if he had made a terrible mistake by declining Glorfindel’s proposal. The plain truth was that he had no life without Glorfindel, no matter how the Elda felt about him. Erestor feared terribly that Glorfindel would hate him now. He cursed his wavering when he still had had a change to go and stop Glorfindel from leaving. But there was no turning back anymore; Glorfindel was long gone and Erestor would never see him again. Once the child was born, Erestor would leave for Valinor with him. He couldn’t stay; it would be far too painful to see Glorfindel without having him as his own.

It was a miracle that Erestor’s dark thoughts didn’t affect his condition. Slowly but surely, he had made a full recovery, and now he was heavily pregnant. Erestor loved his child and he already waited for the moment when he would be able to hold him in his arms.

“I love you so, little one. You will be born loved and wanted, this I promise. Even if we are just two of us, it will be enough,” Erestor whispered to the child. He smiled and rubbed his belly when he felt the child kicking. But the smile was sad; any tries to reassure himself couldn’t wipe out Erestor’s longing and remorse.

* * * *

“What do you think? Erestor’s time is near and he is in a good condition. Or as good as he can be… Don’t you think that now is the right time for him to know everything?” Legolas asked pleadingly. He had been burning with need to tell Erestor that they were brothers, but Elrond had forbade that so far. Legolas had sometimes complained against the command, but in his heart he knew that Elrond was right. The prince still shuddered at the memory of Erestor almost dying because of Thranduil’s tantrum. Erestor hadn’t been ready to hear the truth then.

Elrond considered a while before he answered. He knew the waiting had been hard for Legolas, but it had been necessary. Still, it was true that Erestor needed to know, and preferably before the childbirth. The young elf was still firm in his decision to leave for Valinor as soon as he and the child were in condition to travel. Elrond was saddened about the situation, mostly because he knew how much Legolas loved his cousin/brother, who didn’t even know how close they really were.

“I think… that you are right. Now is the time to tell him. But we must consider this carefully, and tell the truth gently. It will be a shock to him, no matter what,” Elrond finally said, and couldn’t help smiling when he saw Legolas’ enthusiastic reaction. In moments like this, Elrond remembered how young Legolas still was. Elrond found his innocence and zest for life utterly adorable. How he loved his young mate, more that he ever believed possible.

* * * *

Erestor opened the door to Elrond’s study and hesitantly stepped in. He was surprised to see that Legolas too was there. What in Arda was going on? Erestor sat down and glanced quizzically at them both.

“We are glad to see you in good health, Erestor. How do you feel?” Elrond asked.

“I’m fine, thank you. But I doubt that was the reason you asked me here,” Erestor said, frowning.

“Your health is important to us, Erestor and you know that. But you are right that this wasn’t the issue we wanted to discuss with you,” Elrond admitted, and looked at Legolas expectantly. Erestor followed his gaze and to his dismay, he saw that Legolas was now visibly nervous.

“What…” Erestor began, but Legolas waved him silent.

“There is something you should know. Your time is near, but I couldn’t let you go without knowing the truth.”

“What do you mean? What could possibly be so grave that you couldn’t…” Erestor’s last words got stuck in his throat, when he remembered that there was indeed one thing, or rather, one name he didn’t want to hear ever again. He began to stand up, but his big belly was slowing him down. Whatever Legolas had in mind, Erestor knew he didn’t want to hear it!

“Erestor, saes! Listen to me. I won’t defend… his actions. But you must know that he regrets his deeds terribly and there is more… saes!”

“But why? What has he to do with me anymore? He exiled me from my home. You heard his words yourself, Legolas. ‘You have disgraced my Kingdom in a worst possible way, and if you ever dare to come there again, I swear I’ll throw you to deepest dungeon I can find!’ This, and much more he threw in my face! Why should I care if he has regrets for the rest of his life?” Erestor asked bitterly, his temper starting to boil.

“You are right, Erestor. You owe him nothing. But he owes you the truth, no matter what.”

Legolas’ quiet plea finally broke Erestor’s angry resistance and he took the letter Legolas offered him. He hesitated before opening it. Did he really want to know what Thranduil had written to him? Erestor recognized full well his firm handwriting. When he took a closer look at the letter, he began to wonder. The text seemed unusually clumsy, as if the writer had been upset about something. Was it possible that Thranduil really had re-considered his words?

Finally Erestor made up his mind, and with shaky hands, he opened the letter and began to read.

* * * *

Erestor,

You must be surprised if this letter ever reaches you. I was so cruel to you that you surely hate me now, and I’ve deserved every bit of it. And you will think I deserve even more, when you finally know that it was my foul deeds at the beginning that caused you so much suffering. But you need to know, for secrecy would bring only more misery. I cannot allow that to happen, for my deeds have already hurt too many people.

I need to tell you something about your mother. As you know, she died in a childbirth. She was an incredible elleth, and I loved her very much. But she hated me, and for good reason. My brother died one year before your birth. I had always been jealous of my brother, because he had the elleth I wanted for myself. When my brother died, I was almost mindless with grief and guilt, and in my agony I did something terrible. I drank heavily after the funeral; I was so drunk that I don’t remember the events of that night at all. But I found out that poor Ethiriel had come to see me and I… raped her, making her pregnant.

You can guess the rest of the story, Erestor. Your ada isn’t my poor brother, but me. I also need to tell you, that one single day hasn’t gone by without remorse, whenever I remembered my cruelty towards you. There is no explanation to that; I can only say that your pregnancy brought bad memories and I lashed out without thinking. But that is no excuse to treat you like I did. What I did was very wrong, and I know that.

As you see, I didn’t only hurt you, but your nana too. When I should have loved you both, I abused you in the worst possible way. When you were born you were an incredible elfling: so full of love and sweetness that you brightened everyone’s day. Just like your nana before I destroyed her life. When you grew up, I was always distant to you. Your mere presence reminded me of your nana and the pain was almost unbearable to carry. I treated you badly even then, but you never said a thing. You were a far better son than I deserved, even I didn’t know it then.

And then I almost destroyed your and Legolas’ life by trying to force him into a marriage that was never meant to be. It is you who is my firstborn, and therefore meant to marry Lord Glorfindel. Is there any hope left for you and him? If you ever decide to marry him, I will give you my blessings. I have thought about your pregnancy a lot, and I suspect he is the father of your child. Am I right? What a fool I was to think that you could have done something as horrible as I accused you of. I know that it is almost impossible to resist when your fëa (soul) pulls you towards your soul-mate. Saes, Erestor, even if you cannot forgive me, don’t destroy your life abandoning the one who was meant to love and cherish you as you deserve.

And there is someone else who surely wants to stand beside you: your brother Legolas. I sometimes wondered what made you so close when you were elflings, but now I know the truth. Legolas has a good and loving heart and he is a worthy brother, when I betrayed you all.

Legolas and Elrond will give you this letter if you are in the condition to know the truth. Whatever you do, remember that you have nothing to fear from me. It is I who shall be humbled and ashamed if we ever meet again. It is, as your nana said when she came and told me everything, I am not worthy to even crawl at your feet. These were Ethiriel’s words to me and she is right. I doubt you ever want to set foot in Mirkwood again, but I still want you to know that you will be always welcomed.

And now, my son, I wish you a good life with your loved ones. I destroyed my chances with you, but don’t let it darken your path. You have a good and loving heart and you will surely make your hervenn and spouse happy. Lord Glorfindel should be proud if he has won your love.

Thranduil

* * * *

Erestor was so stunned that he didn’t notice how the letter dropped to the floor. Tears blinded his eyesight as he tried to process the things Thranduil had told him.

“So… all my life… has been nothing but lie…” he breathed shakily. All his life Erestor had wondered what kind of elves his parents that he had never known were. And all along his real father had been before his very eyes, but always distant and stern. All he had had was Legolas, his cousin…

“Legolas? My… brother? You said you would always be there for me… Are you still, even after this, or…?” Erestor thought confusedly. He didn’t dare look at Legolas. Was it possible that Legolas didn’t want him to be near anymore?

Erestor flinched when he felt a careful touch on his shoulder. He raised his gaze and saw Legolas staring at him pleadingly. Neither spoke.

“So… it is… true then? You are my… brother?” Erestor finally rasped, feeling a painful lump in his throat.

“I am. I would be if… you just wanted me to be there for you,” Legolas whispered, as his face lit with careful hope.

“I would love to… but how? I am going to leave for Valinor.” Erestor sighed, confused. He was relieved, seeing that Legolas seemed to accept this so easily, but the truth didn’t change his situation. He had thrown Glorfindel’s love back in his face, and there was no possibility of taking back his cruel words. Glorfindel would never forgive him. Of this, Erestor was sure.

He didn’t resist when Legolas pulled him in his arms. He sobbed his pain against his brother’s chest.

*****

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