The Tears Of My Soul 11

The Tears Of My Soul

Part 11

Posted: April 4, 2008
Title: The Tears Of My Soul
Author: Zilah

*****

Thranduil couldn’t move. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t say anything to defend himself, for he could see that Ethiriel hadn’t lied to him. It was true that he had been drunk on the evening of his brother’s funeral; so drunk that he didn’t have any memories about the events of that night. Instead, the memory of the next morning had haunted his dreams all these years. Thranduil remembered how he had woken up, feeling sore. And how he had seen himself at the mirror and been frightened after noticing several scratches and bites on his body. Some of them had been deep and painful, but Thranduil had mended them by himself, not wanting to raise any questions. But he had thought about them countless times afterwards, wondering what had been the cause of them. He also remembered the time after the funeral… Many things began to make sense. Thranduil remembered how Ethiriel had been heart-broken, but had also shown open hostility towards him that was completely unexpected. Their relationship had always been awkward at its best, but during her pregnancy, it had grown even worse. Thranduil had given up and left her alone because he didn’t want to cause any more distress to his brother’s widow.

And yet, without even knowing it, he had already hurt her beyond repair. The knowledge broke Thranduil’s heart. And there was someone else he had hurt… his firstborn, his son, who had deserved to be born in love and happiness, but had received only hatred and rejection instead. True, he had taken care of Erestor’s basic needs, but hadn’t he always put Legolas first, assuming that he was his only child? Erestor might have understood that, but never those incidents that had taken place in Imladris. Thranduil’s heart ached when he remembered how cruel he had been to Erestor. He knew that the young elf would never forgive his hurtful words, for Thranduil was unable to forgive himself. He was sure that Erestor’s heart-broken gaze would haunt him for the rest of his immortal life.

“I… you… Erestor is my son, isn’t he?” Thranduil rasped, looking into dark, beautiful eyes that were so alike to Erestor’s. Never had he seen such hatred and contempt in them, but he knew that he deserved every bit of it and even more. Tears threatened to blind his eyesight when the full extent of his deeds finally dawned to him.

“He is your son, but you don’t deserve him. And by your own actions you have driven him away and have made sure that he will hate you forever. It is a suitable punishment for your foul deeds,” Ethiriel hissed, before she disappeared into nothingness, leaving a devastated elf behind.

* * * *

After a sleepless night, Thranduil had finally come to a conclusion about what to do. He knew that it was useless to go to Imladris. He couldn’t believe that Erestor would want to see him ever again. And he doubted that Lord Elrond would allow him to see Erestor, even if he did try to reach his son. Thranduil knew that Elrond had been discontented by his outburst.

But he couldn’t leave things like this; he needed to apologize, to explain some things to Erestor, even if he didn’t expect forgiveness. It was Erestor’s right to know his true heritage. And he had to think of his other son too; his beloved, cherished Legolas would surely be disappointed when he heard of this.

During the long and bitter day, Thranduil managed to write three letters. One for Lord Elrond, one for Legolas and one for Erestor. He had poured all his heart into these letters, revealing everything as honestly as he possibly could. Thranduil knew that probably both of his sons would hate him after this, but he couldn’t hide anything, knowing that secrecy would only make the situation worse. After a long hesitation, Thranduil added Erestor’s letter inside the one that was meant for Lord Elrond. The half-elf was a healer and surely he was capable of handling this situation better than Thranduil himself. Tears blinded his eyesight when he thought of his sons, both of them. For now he finally understood why Legolas didn’t want to marry Lord Glorfindel.

The marriage contract had said clearly that Thranduil’s firstborn must marry Lord Glorfindel. Thranduil’s firstborn wasn’t Legolas, but Erestor.

* * * *

Elrond sat behind his desk when his chief advisor, Melpomaen, came in.

“What is it, Mel?” Elrond asked.

“The courier came from Mirkwood and brought these letters. This one is for Prince Legolas, and the other one is for you,” Melpomaen said, placing them on Elrond’s desk.

Elrond stared at the letters, noticing Thranduil’s seal on them. He could understand that the king wanted to write to his son, but why did he have a letter too? Finally he opened it, and frowned when he found an unopened envelope with the two papers. His curiosity pricked, Elrond began to read.

* * * *

Legolas raised his head, when he heard his hervenn coming in. “You look tired, Meleth. Is everything all right?” he asked when Elrond slowly made his way closer.

“Something has happened, Meleth, that we need to discuss,” Elrond said with a serious tone. How would Legolas take the news? He himself was still completely stunned by this unexpected twist.

Legolas frowned, but allowed Elrond to pull him closer.

“Will you tell me then, Meleth?” the Prince asked softly, leaning into Elrond’s embrace. Whatever had happened, they would manage it together.

“Your ada has sent you a letter,” Elrond said quietly.

Legolas would have taken it gladly, if Elrond’s face hadn’t been so serious. “Why you are so serious, Meleth? Is something wrong with my ada?” he asked slowly, suddenly dreading to read the letter.

“It is better that you just open the letter and read for yourself.”

Legolas finally opened the letter and began to read.

* * * *

My beloved son,

I need to tell you something, and also to apologize for the heartache that my errors will now cause you. I found out that I have committed a very serious crime that has an effect on all of us. Therefore, I must tell everything, for secrecy would bring only more suffering. I cannot allow that to happen, for my deeds have already hurt too many people.

I need to tell you something about Erestor’s mother. As you know, she died in childbirth. She was an incredible elleth, and I loved her very much. But she hated me, and for good reason. My brother died one year before Erestor’s birth. I had always been jealous of my brother because he had the elleth I wanted for myself. When my brother died, I was almost mindless with grief and guilt, and in my agony I did something terrible. I drank heavily after the funeral; I was so drunk that I don’t remember the events of that night at all. But I found out that poor Ethiriel had come to see me and I… raped her, making her pregnant.

You can guess the rest of the story, my son. Erestor’s ada isn’t my poor brother but me. I also need to tell you that there hasn’t passed one single day without remorse whenever I have remembered my cruelty towards Erestor. There is no explanation for it; I can only say that Erestor’s pregnancy brought bad memories and I lashed out without thinking. But that is no excuse to treat him like I did. What I did was very wrong, and I know that.

And now, my son, I beg of you, try to make things better for your brother. He has suffered enough. As much as I wanted, I cannot do that myself, for Erestor will surely hate me for the rest of his life, and I have deserved every bit of it. But you have a good and loving heart and I would be relieved if you would be there for your brother when I cannot.

I have written a letter for Erestor too, but I leave it to you and Elrond to decide if he is in any condition to know the truth. Whatever you do, remember that I will always love you and I am proud of you. You have been a far better son than I deserve.

Thranduil

* * * *

Elrond watched, helpless, as his beloved’s eyes began to swim and finally filled with tears. When Legolas had finally finished his reading, Elrond pulled the sobbing elf closer. The letter dropped on the floor from Legolas’ inert hands.

“Oh Elrond! How could he? How could Ada do something like that? And poor Erestor… it should have been him that was to marry Lord Glorfindel, not me! All this suffering, all because of Ada’s foul deeds.” Legolas sniffed against Elrond’s chest.

“Don’t be so hard on your ada, Meleth nín. Believe me when I say that Thranduil too is in great pain at the moment. He knows full well what he has done, and he will carry the guilt for the rest of his life.” Elrond carried Legolas to the bed and held him tightly, until his sobs finally ceased.

“We have to make things right, Elrond. We have to tell Erestor. He hasn’t done anything wrong by falling in love with Lord Glorfindel. They were meant to be from the beginning,” Legolas whispered, trying to realize that his life had suddenly changed. He had a brother, and he was determined to be there for Erestor.

“We will; but not yet. We cannot upset him now; his frame of mind is still far too fragile for that,” Elrond said softly.

“I trust you; we will tell him when the time is right,” Legolas agreed, relaxing further in Elrond’s arms. He sighed with pleasure, when Elrond began to undress him. When they were both finally naked, Legolas was trembling with anticipation. Without hesitation, he opened his arms to his beloved hervenn.

*****

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