The Tears Of My Soul 10

The Tears Of My Soul

Part 10

Posted: November 16, 2007
Title: The Tears Of My Soul
Author: Zilah

*****

Glorfindel walked trough the corridor with a heavy heart. He had finally received a permission to meet Erestor, but he had already anticipated that it wouldn’t go well. Glorfindel could guess it by the sad gaze he had seen in Elrond’s eyes.

He stopped behind Erestor’s door and after hesitating for a moment, he knocked.

* * * *

Erestor’s heart started to pound wildly, when he heard a knock at the door. He knew that this meeting would be difficult but he owed Glorfindel this much. As much as he wanted to, Erestor couldn’t deny the fact that the child within him was Glorfindel’s too. The elda had the right to know where he would go with the child.

“But there your rights end, Glorfindel,” Erestor reminded himself. He had to be strong, in case Glorfindel presented any demands for the child or proposed to him. Erestor already loved the child, but he didn’t want to burden him with parents who were bound to each other only by necessity. And as a matter of fact, Erestor was sure that he wouldn’t bear to live with Glorfindel knowing that the elda didn’t love him. He had to keep in mind, that Glorfindel had bedded him only because he didn’t have the one he truly loved.

“Come in, saes. The door is open,” Erestor finally said, silently hoping that his voice didn’t reveal his inner turmoil.

Glorfindel stepped in and for a moment he could only stare at the young elf who stood before him. His heart filled with longing to go and hold Erestor tightly, to assure him that everything would go just fine, but he didn’t dare to do so. Erestor seemed so distant and cold and, for the first time in his long life, Glorfindel was at a loss for words.

“I’m glad to see you, Glorfindel. We need to sort things out,” Erestor finally said, when the silence between them continued.

“Are you? Are you, really?” Glorfindel whispered, not knowing what to say or do.

“What are you talking about? Am I what?”

“You said…you are glad but let me tell you… you don’t seem so, Erestor. And if you wanted to see me, why did you avoid me away the way you did?”

Glorfindel didn’t mean his words to come out like he was accusing Erestor, but he could see that the young elf was hurt by them nevertheless. In a swift moment, the hurt in Erestor’s gaze disappeared and turned into icy coldness.

“And what else did you expect me to do? I have no desire to repeat past mistakes. Let me assure you that I don’t intend to burden you with my… condition. I am going to leave for Valinor as soon as I can.”

“You are not a burden, Erestor nín. I love you and I want to marry you. How could I ever abandon you and the child?” Glorfindel insisted, but saw that Erestor didn’t believe him. The young elf did not speak but his eyes were narrowed with suspicion. The obvious disbelief and the patent distrust broke Glorfindel's heart.

“I am not yours, Glorfindel, so don’t address me thus, saes. I wish I could believe you, but I can’t. I would rather raise my child alone than in a loveless marriage.”

Erestor trembled inwardly when he had said the last words. So. There it was. He had said it aloud, and now he only had to stay firm in his decision. But Erestor had to admit that his heart tore apart when he saw tears shimmering in Glorfindel’s eyes.

Glorfindel felt as if Erestor had stabbed him straight into the heart. Erestor’s decision took all his hope away. How would he ever have a chance to win Erestor’s love if he really left? Glorfindel was bound to Middle- earth and he couldn’t break his oath to Elrond. And then another horrid thought began to dawn on him: he would never see his child; not before he too was able to travel to Aman. But then the child would be an adult, who would have grown up without another parent. Glorfindel’s heart broke with the thought and so, the proud, noble elf-lord did something he had never done before: he begged.

He begged for his life, for his love and for his child. He kneeled before Erestor and poured his whole soul and heart into this one desperate plea. He could see a shocked gaze in Erestor’s beautiful eyes and for a moment it seemed that the young elf was softening. But then came the final blow.

“I’m sorry, Glorfindel. My decision is final,” Erestor breathed and rushed away, leaving Glorfindel alone in his agony.

* * * *

Glorfindel had drowned in a sea of pain. He didn’t remember how he had come back to his rooms. He only noticed that he was lying on the bed, crying his heart out. Never had he felt the pain like this, and even death felt now easier than this misery. But he couldn’t indulge into that luxury; the Valar had forbidden him to fade, because his presence in Middle- earth was too important.

When his tears finally ceased, he rose from his bed. He had only had one thought in his mind: he had to get away. If Erestor didn’t want him, it would be unbearable to see him afar.

* * * *

“I’m sorry, Elrond, I didn’t mean to betray you like this, but I need to get away; at least, until he is gone. After he sails, I will return. And while I’m gone, Haldir O Lórien will make a perfect replacement for my position,” Glorfindel whispered. His old friend had come to help him, offering a solution to his problem and Glorfindel had eagerly accepted. Now he had to convince Elrond that this was the best for all of them.

“You haven’t betrayed me, meldir. I am so sorry for the two of you. You both deserved to be happy,” Elrond said with a sad tone. He too was confused and even angry to the Valar who had allowed this mess to happen. What in Arda did they mean by suggesting a marriage which obviously wasn’t meant to be? And now his dearest friend and the lovely young elf were both lonely and unhappy.

“I know I made a mistake, but if I had known that the punishment would be like this… I don’t know…. What have I done, to deserve the Valar’s hatred? I must be cursed. And I destroyed Erestor’s life too. That is the thing I regret most.”

Elrond didn’t answer, for he knew that there was no words to ease a broken heart. Only time if anything, would heal Glorfindel.

* * * *

Glorfindel slowly divided his most important belongings in two piles. He intended to take the smaller one with him to Lórien and he had packed the bigger one carefully and gave it to Elrond for him to keep. In time, the box would leave for Valinor with Erestor and their child. Even if Glorfindel wasn’t allowed to see his child, he still wanted to leave inheritance for him or her. The box contained some very beautiful and valuable objects; the last remains of the riches of his noble house.

He didn’t wait until next morning, even if Elrond begged him to do so. Nor did he take an escort with him; he felt a desperate need to be alone. No one was present at his departure, and that was how Glorfindel had wanted it to be. Without hesitation, he rode into darkening night, for no night could be compared to the darkness that befell upon his heart.

* * * *

Glorfindel was unaware of someone watching his departure. He didn’t want to look back, and therefore he didn’t notice the lonely figure at the window.

Erestor stared at his love, who slowly readied himself for the trip. His heart was in complete turmoil. Had he done wrong rejecting Glrofindel’s proposal? Glorfindel’s eyes haunted his dreams constantly; he remembered how the elda had broken down in front of him; how his beautiful blue eyes had been full of pain and tears… Because of his rejection!

Only now Erestor dared to admit to himself that he still loved Glorfindel, no matter what had happened. His whole being ached with need to go and assure him that he had been wrong; that he wanted Glorfindel and their child as well… Would it really have been so bad, even if Glorfindel’s feelings weren’t as deep as his? But Erestor was like frozen; he couldn’t move, he couldn’t think. And so, he just watched, helpless, how the only elf he could ever love, mounted and rode into darkening night, leaving him forever.

* * * *

Námo studied annoyed the fëa summoned in front of him.

“Your stubbornness has now caused enough suffering and it has destroyed our plan for the bond which was meant to happen. We watched aside, only because we pitied you. The sufferings you went through were so great and none of it was your own doing. But enough is enough and you have had your revenge. I will give you two options. You will go and reveal everything to Thranduil, or I will do it myself.”

“I will do it… and I will rub his foul deeds in his face. I want to see with my own eyes when he receives his rightly deserved punishment. It is his fault that I had to leave my child, that I couldn’t be there for him or offer him the love he deserved, but it would have been too much to ask and you know why.

“Aye. I know. And it is time for you to let go of your bitterness and begin to heal. As long as this secret is between you two, you will be unable to do that,” Námo said with a softer voice. He waved his hand and the Fëa disappeared into nothingness.

* * * *

Ethiriel walked through the Caves. She didn’t see anyone and she felt as if the whole place was empty. But she didn’t try to seek anyone; only one elf would know that she had been here. Without hesitation she walked to the royal wing; her destination was clear.

Thranduil woke with a start when the door of his chambers opened. But he was even more shocked when he recognized the elleth who stepped in.

“What in Arda…? How? I thought you were dead!” Thranduil breathed, without believing his eyes. Erestor’s mother had died in childbirth over fifty years ago!

“I am dead. And that is your doing, my dear brother-in law. I am here from Master Namo´s request and now you will finally have the punishment you so deserve,” Ethiriel said coldly.

“What in Arda do you mean? I have done nothing to you,” Thranduil insisted, but he was hesitant. He had thought about this elleth quite a lot lately, mostly because of Erestor. Sometimes he thought that he had been far too harsh on him. But Erestor’s pregnancy had brought bad memories to Thranduil and in his pain he had been cruel to the young elf.

“Oh aye! I know very well that you drank yourself almost into shameful condition right after your brother’s and my hervenn’s funeral. But that doesn’t relieve you from responsibility, you son of orc!” Ethiriel shrieked, furious.

“And what is my crime, then? Tell me, for you seem so eager to judge me!” Thranduil growled, feeling his anger rising. Ethiriel had always had the ability to get him furious. Thranduil had never told this to anyone but the truth was that his feelings towards this dark- haired beauty had been much more than just brotherly. When his brother had returned from Lindon and brought his new hervess with him, Thranduil had been devastated. He had become bitter and jealous when his brother had this elleth who had stolen his heart at the very first sight.

“It is Erestor. And now I can tell the truth, because you have ensured that he will hate you forever. He is now out of your reach.”

“And what of him? I raised him as my own and how does he pay me? Spreading his legs like a common whore!”

Ethiriel slapped the King on the cheek; an ugly sneer shone on her face.

“Don’t you dare to speak of him like that! You are not even worthy to crawl at his feet after what you have done to me. I came to you after the funeral, because I thought that you would share your grief with me and we would possibly find some consolation remembering him together. And you… you bastard raped me, making me pregnant! I faded because of you!”

*****

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