I Wasn't There (For You)

I Wasn't There (For You)

Posted: April 2002
Title: I Wasn't There (For You)
Author: Vagabond
Type: FCS
Characters: Aragorn/Boromir, Boromir/Lurtz
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own them and sometimes it's really better.
Warning: AU, very DARK story, rape, character-death; Please do not read if you cannot deal with the content!!!
Credits: To Lyle and Beryll who encouraged me to write this.
Beta: Beryll and Aj; thank you so much!
Author's Notes: 1. Aragorn POV 2. What can I say? It's meant to be sad… and I hope the end works for you.

Summary: Boromir was brutally raped by Lurtz (the leader of the Uruk-hai)…

*****

I love you my Boromir, I always will. Wait for me…

My beloved is dead and he died from my hands… His blood is still on me, I don't think that I can ever wash it away. It will cling to me, marking me forever to never let me forget…

~

The horn screamed through the wood, echoing your fear, your despair. Am I not a trained ranger, a fast runner and experienced fighter? I always thought I was. But nevertheless I could not protect you, could not save you, save you from merciless monsters. This I will never forgive myself, that I let you down when you needed me the most, that I failed your trust in me so terribly.

It was the moment when you fell to the ground that I finally reached the clearing. Isn't it strange how moments of great emotional deepness seem to stretch into moments of eternity? I saw you fall and it seemed to last for hours.You fell and I could see every single sign of pain in your face, every drop of blood that pearled down. You fell and I could hear your tormentor growling with grim joy and satisfaction. You fell and I could feel my own heart stop beating for those ages that passed while your pale broken body slumped to the ground.

Did I scream? I can't remember. Every sound seemed to be swallowed by a creeping darkness that consumed everything around me, occupied everything in my sight except your lifeless violated body.

I attacked the snarling monster, this creature born from nightmares. I fought it as if I could so undo everything that he did to you. Undo the screams, which came from your sore throat. Undo the pleas you surely choked out from an abused mouth. Undo your despair and broken trust when you realized that I wouldn't come to save you. That `Estel' was always there just for others like the little Ring-bearer, but not for you. Although I loved you more than I had ever loved anyone before, my fair one. My true one, my jewel. Did you know that this is the meaning of your name in the speech of the old kind? Surely you did, but you didn't believe in it and that was my great sorrow… You were `true', my beloved. You were wavering, yes, always confronted with the abyss as you were it in Moria, but at last you defeated your inner demons. Why couldn't I be there to help you against the monsters from outside?

~

I wasn't there when you fought Saruman's creatures to protect the little Halflings. I did not see your desperate look, did not see the guilt in it because you thought yourself a traitor to us all.

I wasn't there when they took the little ones away, giving you the feeling that you had failed.

Wasn't there when the leader of those painted monsters not only wanted to defeat but also to break you. Your bravery must have enraged the beast, or did it see this as a challenge?

One human man, alone and already exhausted, against them all! Trying to show no fear when the Uruk-hai approached him with a grin on his rotten lips, trying to hold onto his pride even when he was forced down on his knees because the beast wanted to use his mouth for its ferocious pleasure.

I wasn't there when you looked up to your captor who shook its head a momentous `no' to the last bit of hope that was left in you.

Wasn't there to see the realization, the growing hopelessness in your eyes.

Wasn't there when you swallowed down the cry of despair that was rising up in you and wanted to escape your throat.

Wasn't there when your body began to tremble because the beast's claws gripped you by the long blonde hair and the monster stabbed its `manhood' brutally into your mouth.

Why wasn't I there to help you when the tears began to flow from your eyes? When you choked on this horrible intruder and the burning pain inside your throat began, caused by the merciless thrusts that were forced on you. When you thought that you would die from suffocating but the beast withdrew at the last moment before you became unconscious and you cried more silent tears because you had hoped for this escape.

Nobody was there to save you when the monster got its first release inside your mouth, leaving you retching and vomiting, aware that the beast already tore your breeches to shreds.

I was far away when it impaled you in the most painful way, letting you forget all those beautiful hours of lovemaking that we spent together. Letting you forget for all time how it had felt to be united with someone in love and trust.

I wasn't there when your whole world reduced to unimaginable anguish, when every fiber of your tormented body became filled with the essence of agony.

You were so alone when your hoarse screams weakened more and more to become silent at the end, only to be heard in your own mind. And your mind broke at last. When your body was numb and destroyed, when only the thrusting and tugging reminded you that this beast still raped you and that it wouldn't stop until nothing of you was left, that's when you gave up. With a last whimpered cry you gave up and the Uruk-hai was satisfied.

I did not see how the monster tugged you up to look into your eyes, to bathe in its victory when it saw that they held no more sparkle, no more life. The beast growled with pleasure and then flung you away like the carcass of a disemboweled prey.

It was this moment when I came down the hill…

~

When the Uruk-hai lay dead to my feet I didn't felt satisfaction as I had expected it. I felt empty and lost. I was afraid to return to the place where your body lay. Never in my whole long life have I felt so weak, so wretched. But I forced my feet to move, to carry me to you.

You were not dead. You looked as if you were, but still your chest rose. So slow, so pained… I took you into my arms and a sound sprang from your lips that will haunt me forever in my dreams; it didn't sound human anymore. The colour of your beautiful emerald eyes was washed out, broken mirrors focused on a nameless spot far away … Yourmind was gone and I felt that your soul wanted to follow.

But I was as selfish as ever and didn't want to let you go. My hand slid over your cheek, absently caressing, and my fingers tried to wipe the blood from your lips where you had bitten yourself in pain to avoid screaming.

I would not let you go and somehow you sensed it. Somehow this understanding reached your mind and your hand began to move. So slowly, so weakly. Your fingers were shaking when you tried to reach your sword that lay on the ground not far away. I thought you meant it to be in your hand as is custom with soldiers who are going to die and I couldn't stop myself from crying. I laid the sword into your hand and positioned it onto your chest but you just smiled knowingly and so endless sad and you shook your head, a movement barely perceptible.And now I understood, and now I began to shake and to cry out loud; tears were flowing incessantly from my eyes, leaving burning trails on my skin.

I could not do what you wanted me to do; I could not! I loved you too much as that I felt able to do this. But suddenly emotion flowed back into your eyes and my heart was breaking for the demanding plea in them, for all the sorrow and pain that was sealed there and would never again leave them, as I knew.

And because I love you I did what you wished of me. I knew I failed you my love, never could I make amends for that. But I would not fail you again. I did not want you to suffer any longer my beloved. My jewel… I kissed your lips for the last time and for the tiny moment of my whispered `I love you' your eyes did sparkle for me again.

You did not even cry or whimper when I pierced your heart with one sure stab; you just sighed. And while the life was flowing from your body you formed a `Thank you' with your trembling lips and they curved into a smile when your soul became free and flew away. You had found peace…

~

I love you my Boromir, I always will. Wait for me.

*****

THE END

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to: Vagabond