Posted: August 2004
Title: Knock, Knock
Disclaimer: No money made from any story, drabble, fic or fleeting idea.
Summary: After the Council of Elrond that evening a parade of potential suitors both old and new beats a path to the oh so divine Legolas' guest room. Who finally turns Legolas' pretty head?
Author's Notes: Stupid humor bug nailed me.
Subtle ancient knock, knock.
Legolas glared at his guest room door and stomped over while still rubbing his lavender mint face cream into his perfect luminous skin.
Of course lusty Master Elrond seductively posed in Legolas' carved door frame. A negative wince already infected his handsome face. He merely raised his thin black eyebrows in hopeful anticipation.
Legolas leaned against the inner wall and smirked. "The answer is still no, Elrond. I don't care that Celebrían left you, you're still joined to her. End of story."
Knock, stern echoing KNOCK.
Ahem. The hulking Glorfindel anxiously wiggled his golden eyebrows. "So, fair Elf, you still don't believe my Balrog Slayer tale?"
"Not a bit. Bye!"
Knock slithery second knock half knock thud giggle. Legolas clenched his elegant fists and stopped massaging his lithe thighs with rosemary oil. "Is that Elladan and Elrohir out there?"
Faint hopeful scratching. Legolas shook his head and kept massaging. "Erestor, I want pancakes tomorrow."
" Yes, Legolas. Very good, my pretty one. Extra raspberries, yes, and fresh butter."
Big bold knock, knock. The sleepy Legolas felt ready to scream. He just wanted to brush his perfect hair.
Boromir preened in all his manly glory and ran his fingers over his broad, leather-clad chest. "Meet the future Steward of Gondor, pretty one."
"Meet the closed door, Human."
Knock, KNOCK, knock. Pfttt, now they became inventive.
Aragorn seductively tossed back his matted dark mane and patted his bulging crotch. He crafted his finest smile. "Remember me, the potent future King of the Reunited Kingdoms?"
"Yes, Stinky. Go find a hot bath."
Knock-knock, knock-knock, knock-knock, knock, semi-knock.
By the Valar now they stutter knocked? Legolas almost yanked the heavy door from the hinges. He stared down at the four grinning Hobbits forming a perfect pyramid with wide-eyed Frodo carefully balancing on Sam's broad back. They chirped in unison. "Four for one sale, Legolas! Don't pass this offer up!"
"I only have two openings, midgets, so you lose!"
Scratch, scratch, hisss-s-s, scratch.
Well hmm, at least that noise proved different. Legolas paused in rubbing sheep fat over his smooth long calves and flung open the door.
A furious Arwen glared 20 different sharp Elven daggers at Legolas' tall body. She angrily waved a cruel-nailed hand his way. "Stay away from my Aragorn, you malicious Mirkwood monster."
"Worry not, Elf Maid, young Stinky Boy is all yours. Have fun."
"Gandalf, for the 200 th time no. Go talk to Elrond. I think he needs company."
Just as Legolas slid his skimpy lime green silk nightie over his sweet pampered flesh a soft knock annoyed his door.
The baffled Elf glared down at a freshly bathed and fluffed Gimli. Legolas couldn't halt his mocking laughter. "What could you possibly have to offer me, you cantankerous Dwarf?"
Gimli winked and merely lifted his midnight blue bed robe up past his broad, red-furred belly. "Show and tell, laddie. No words needed."
The astonished Legolas blinked, smiled in melting excitement and yanked the smirking Gimli in by his thick red beard.
Slam and goodnight!
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