Why?

Posted: September 2003
Title: Why?
Author: RennWench
Type: FCS
Characters: Haldir/OFC
Rating: Heavy PG-13.
Beta: The one and only Larian Elensar. You just so totally rock.
Warning: Angst. Sad and depressing. Unrequited love. Find Kleenex. (I'm not kidding!)
Disclaimer: Mine? Not at all. No sex – sorry. The POV isn't from the usual character I write.
Notes: There are a few Babylon 5 references. Thank you jms.
The plot bunny climbed into my lap after I heard some sad news about a co-worker of mine. This isn't about him, just the news, some other stuff going on in my life and the current music selections on my .mp3 player are all responsible for bits and pieces.
Summary: POV piece about the aftermath of Haldir's death at Helms Deep.

We were given around the same time.
From two well respected families.
Yours, warrior. Mine, religious.

At our naming, we smiled at each other.
Or so we've been told.

We grew up together.
Chasing each other around the Mallorn trees.

You used to pull my braids.
I would unwrap your arrows.

Questions of innocent wonder.
Why is the sky blue?
Why do fish swim?

The jokes we played on each other.
Scraped knees. Bruises. Lots and lots of bruises.
I still cringe when I smell that pungent odor of the healing potion.

The childish laughter seems so far away now.
Long forgotten echoes of the past.
Replaced by the wrenching lament I'm singing.
My arms upraised in benediction. Singing your soul to the land where no shadows fall.

I miss you.

We were the best of friends.
Celebrated each other's victories and joys.
You always knew how to make me laugh.

Shared our woes and losses.
Both our parents were taken from us. In violent and cruel manners.
In a way, pain always brought us together.

You and your brothers seamlessly added me into the adjusted family.

We were quite the band of mischievous troublemakers.
How many times did we weed the great gardens?
Usually starting off angry and annoyed at each other. Vowing never to speak to each other again.
Ending up with dirt covered faces. Laughing so hard we could not breathe.

Where is that laughter now?
Silenced forever.
I miss you.

Images from our majority celebration are next to flash in my mind.
We knew our childish ways had to be left behind.

We snuck away from the party. We wanted to be alone for a while.
Sharing a goblet of wine we talked about what we wanted from our lives.
I can still feel the tingle racing through my body from your first kiss.
Under a certain Mallorn tree.

You were called to the Galadhrim.
I saw pride mixed with the awesome responsibility cover you. You bore it well.
You still do.

Myself, into the Sisterhood of Valeria.

Why?
They were the paths destined for us.
You protect. I pray.
Parallel. Never to meet.

~*~*~*~*~

Soon after, they entered the picture.
With their sly smiles. Their flirty maneuvers.
They took you away from me.
Innuendos thinly veiled in silk covered curves.

They replaced me.

Yes, I know I had no claim upon your heart.
Why couldn't you see the love I had for you?

Why did you choose them?

It pained me to see your heart break
Watching them break your heart.
I knew my comforts and counsel were welcomed.

How many nights in a drunken stupor did you spend in my talan?

Every episode was the same.
In my bed you slept off the effects of too much wine.
Consumed to make you forget her name, her touch, everything.
Me, sitting on a small divan. Simply watching you.

The bedding kept your scent for weeks.

Your conquests were legendary.
Of course I heard. Every single detail.
Not only from you but also from others.
A glass of wine. A well placed word or touch and you could entice any maiden into your bed.

Why not me?

Why deny me the unknown pleasure of your flesh?
Why didn't you make me fall to your charms?
Why tell me of your seductions?

I never wanted any other. Only you.
Did you see me in a different light?
Was I not good enough for you?

I wanted to ask.
Now, I will never know.

I prayed every day for your safety and protection.
For your sword to be sharp and your arrows swift and sure. Your enemy's bones to shine in the sun.
The clotted gashes upon your perfect body attest to my last prayer's ineffectiveness.
If only I prayed harder. Maybe a little bit longer. With stronger intent.

Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die?

Your body was brought back to rest beneath your beloved Mallorn trees.
Some part of you will still protect these lands we call home.

My tears mix with the scented oil I am using to anoint your body.
I know I shouldn't show such emotion, but I can not help myself.
My sobs are the only sound I hear.

I have the luxury of being alone with you.

Only now, in death do I have the courage to touch you as I wanted to for so many years.

Tracing the contours of your face. I knew your every look.
Subtle changes that I could watch forever and never tire.

Across your shoulders and chest. Muscled and toned from years of training.
A few faint scars speak volumes of your bravery.

Down your flat stomach. My hands started to shake as they cross that vile, gaping gash. Why?

The gentle, smooth curve of your hips.

Long, muscled legs.

Perfection made flesh.

The oil's scent makes me lightheaded.
This blend is only for you. Made from the most rare and venerated spices and herbs.
No one else will ever have it. I will never make it again.

I snip a lock of silver from your head. I request you pardon my invasion.
You're probably laughing at my sentimentality.

You were the one soft spot in my armor.
My one weakness. My only failing.

You were my god. My icon.
Blasphemy in its truest form.

I miss you.

Your current lover comes into the room.
Busying myself with selecting your final clothes, I give her the privacy and room she needs.
I hear her throw herself over your body. Wails and screams of anguish.

But what about my grief?
Mine runs just as deep. If not more so.

She has only known you for a short time.
Why her?

She leaves supported in the arms of her kin.
I watch her as she walks away. Her heart is broken, but she will live.

Will I be so lucky?

I understand why you chose not only her, but all the others.
She is beautiful. Features perfect in every way.

She hasn't the strength to do what is necessary.
I do.

I must.

I will.

I take the finest silk tunic you have. Holding it to my face I inhale your scent for the last time.
This last act I intend to perform perfectly. You deserve no less.

~*~*~*~*~*~

That evening, we take our time setting your attired body upon the stack of wood.
Orophin gently coaxes your stiff fingers around the grip of your bow.
Your crimson cloak is meticulously gathered into soft pleats by Rúmil.

We need no words between us.

The moonlight reflects a silver glow into your hair.
Not even the slightest amount of dirt, sweat or blood stains you.

Concluding perpetrations, I close your eyes.
Forever sealing those deep sapphire pools.
Finally placing you in total darkness.

Usually, this is done first.
But I wanted you to see as much of your beloved homeland as I could offer.
I also knew in closing them you would be truly gone.

I miss you.

For the second, and final time, my lips brush yours.
Where once there was warmth and passion, cold and death lie.

Now the scene is set for the final act.

As the moon reaches full height, in the presence of all the others, I sing the ancient rights.
Only by my force of will am I able to conclude the ceremonies without fault or waver.
You deserve no less than perfection.

Our brothers take torches to dried kindle. As is their right, duty and honor.

We watch as your pyre burns.
Small flicker of flames at first. Growing to an inferno.
Others take a step back away from the heat.
We do not move from our places. The heat reddens our skin but we do not feel it.

Scent of the fire and smoke carry the aromatics of the oil I used.

We watch as your body turns into ash.
We have our fill of sorrow and grief.
So many gone. So many other siblings. Lovers. Friends. Parents. Children.

Why?

I had no answer.
I had no answer for the little ones who asked.
Their innocence forever lost.

Watching the flames consume your body, I now realize why.

You offered your life so future unknown generations would live free from the fear and darkness.

They will know of your sacrifice.

~*~*~*~

The next few days were a blur.
I felt like I was walking in an unending hazy fog.
Everything I did took longer to do.
My attentions were scattered upon the wind.

One moment I would be crying.
The next, smiling in remembrance of our good times.

As I did not share my love for you, this pain too will be silently endured.

Everything here reminds me of you.

I hear your voice on the wind.
Your laughter in the silver bells.
A flower blooms the same color of your eyes.
I can still smell the spices from the oil.

While assembling my possessions for the eventual journey to the West, I catch a glint of silver.
A small barrette in shape of a leaf. Fallen from the last time you visited me.
The night before you left for Rivendell.

I add this to the braid of your hair. Gifts I will cherish forever.
I feel a little better knowing I have a little part of you just for me.

But this brief peace was not to last.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Weeks pass.

Food has no flavor for me. No drink can quench my thirst.
I can not do anything but think of you amidst the whirlwind of grief, sorrow and anger.
Emptiness consumes me. Pain my constant companion.

I feel dim.

I have lost my faith.
My prayers are empty or skipped entirely.
My idol has fallen. My god is dead.
What is the use of my prayers if there is nobody who will listen?

Like so many nights before, my reverie eludes me.
I feel and look as of a specter aimlessly wandering the bridges and flets.
Searching. Always searching.
A shallow, shapeless form drifting upon the wind.
I make my way to the tree where your ashes were scattered.

Our fingers were dirtied and scratched from working your ashes into the ground.
Even the tree carries sadness. Our uncountable tears watered it.

I kneel. Not caring about the stains upon my dress.
Placing my hands down upon the settled earth, I try to find the calm center within the midst of my turmoil.
I speak your name. "Haldir."

I miss you.
I need you.

The storm lessens slightly.

Closing my eyes. My mantra continues. Gaining intensity.
Haldir.

Haldir.

Haldir.

Each one a prayer and a question.
Why Haldir?

Why me?

Why?
Why?
Why?

I need an answer.

I can no longer stay here.
I am lost without you.

I let my spirit glide away. Let it takes it course.
Why?

My solid body ceased to function.
Why?

I have no needs here.
I have no use here.
I leave here.

My final desire - to find you again.

Why? I hear you ask.
Because I love you.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Opening my eyes, I find myself in a lush garden.
Kneeling in front of a beautiful tree radiating white, cleansing light.
My hands are clean. My dress, immaculate. I can feel my eyes no longer being singed by the salt of my tears.

My turmoil is gone. I feel happy again.
My senses have returned.
The fog has lifted revealing warm sunshine.

Wandering a colorfully planted path towards a shimmering golden hall, I spy a familiar form leaning against a tree.

Looking at me.
Not the look you've used before. But that look.
The one I've always wanted.
There is no one else around, so you must be looking at me.

Life sparkles once again in those endless sapphire depths.
Smile curves your reddened lips.

You gather me into your renewed, strong arms. Pulling me close to your warm chest.
I can hear and feel the blood racing through your veins. Your heart beating its steady tempo.
I inhale your scent, accented with spices and herbs, with every breath.

You pay no mind to the tears of emotion falling down my face.

Thousands of questions rage in my head. Only one relentlessly repeats.

"Why?" I ask.

You smile at me before consuming my lips with yours,
"Because I love you."

*****

THE END


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