Worlds Apart

Worlds Apart

Posted: May 2, 2008
Title: Worlds Apart
Fandom: Silmarillion
Author: Orchyd Constyne
Type: FCS
Characters: Fingon/Maedhros
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I do not own LotR or any characters, lands, or items from the Tolkien world. They belong to their respective copyright holders.
Warnings: implied incest

Summary: I have a thing about the immense guilt I believe Maedhros felt when Fingon fell at the Nirnaeth, especially considering Fingon didn't leave him to Morgoth, yet Maedhros fled the battle when his host took heavy losses. It's decision I always wondered if he would regret, leaving Fingon alone.

*****

It is cold.

No matter where I go, it is cold.

Himring is lost.

Fingon is lost.

*I* am lost.

What am I to do now?

Around me gather my brothers. They look to me for direction, but I am directionless.

Eternity stretches out before me like a yawning pit. I had hope while he walked these lands, but his standard was muddied, his body crushed ruthlessly, and with him, my heart.

What am I to do now? Who am I to turn to? Who *can* I turn to?

There is no one.

Turgon is somewhere, hiding, a High King no one can find.

My face to the wind, I close my eyes.

I close my eyes... and I remember.

You laughed. You were so beautiful when you laughed, and you were able to chase the darkness from my spirit for a while. In the sunlight, your eyes like smoky gems, the world was bright, untainted, and I could laugh with you. At the sun. At the clouds. At the way you tumbled over the small stool on your way to stoke the fire dying in the hearth.

Himring rang with laughter.

Standing under these stars, the distance between us now is suffocating. It drives me to my knees on the frosted ground. The pain... by the Valar, Fingon, have I ever known a pain like this? No. Not even my tortures within Angband can compare to the emptiness I feel now. I just wish for you to be here. To guide me -- love me -- once more. To be at my side.

Years, Fingon! So many years we could have shared! Erased, as if they never could have been. Wiped from the future of history. How could it be so easy to snuff out a flame as bright and valiant as yours? Did you die thinking I had abandoned you? It tears my wounds anew to think you died afraid, without aid, when I should have been there.

I should have been there!

Even the tears on my cheeks are cold.

They tell me you stood alone.

Against Gothmog, you stood alone, your guard dead, your brother separated from you, and my host long departed for Mount Dolmed. We all left you to the fire and the shadow and the dark grave of the battlefield.

Fingon.

I miss you.

I can still feel your heart beating beneath my cheek as I laid my head on your chest. If I had only known that would be the last of our moments, I would have savoured them more. I would have demanded we abandon oath, fealty, loyalty, nobility -- shed it all and run. Run as far as we could, just so I could again hear the pounding of your heart.

Such a little thing. Listening to your heart. Watching you sleep. The days I would sprawl across your divan and tease you as you responded to correspondence. Sharing a meal. Staring up at the stars. Running through the grass. Seeing the shadows of your face as the sun travelled overhead, making you look so much younger, more innocent, than you were. Hearing you play your harp. The quiet contentment I felt in your arms.

The little things are what I mourn the deepest, because never again will I feel your hand upon my cheek, hear you whisper that you love me, or taste a sweet kiss. In one great swing of an axe, all that was and could of been was taken from me. Never have I hate my father more for setting us on this path, for now he has taken almost all from me that mattered.

And I am certain, with a black sense of dread, that even what remains will be lost.

My brothers.

Under the stars, alone, I am cold.

I miss you.

I miss the freedom.

I miss the light, the laughter, every little thing that I squandered and now regret.

Death, Fingon, is a distance I fear I will never be able to cross. And if I do, life will never again be mine like it will be yours. Worlds apart. Forever worlds apart, dear cousin, and I simply wish you were here.

*****

THE END

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