Still Breathing

Still Breathing

Posted: August 2005
Title: Still Breathing
Author: Orchyd Constyne
Type: FCS
Characters: Glorfindel/Oropher
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own LotR or any characters, lands, or items from the Tolkien world. They belong to their respective copyright holders.
Beta: Fimbrethiel
Author's Notes: This is based off of a song, 'Glass Vase Cello Case', and it is written on the heels of losing my first dog. The grief Glorfindel expresses is merely me placing into a fictional world my own grief after losing Dusk.

Summary: Moments of grief.

*****

There are times, late in the night or middle of the afternoon, when the pain of your loss hits me. It is a physical blow to my gut; I become sick, dizzy -- it feels as if I can never draw another breath. The moment you were taken away, your memory began to fade. I could not recall your voice, your scent, or your smile. All I could remember was this pain.

And a deep sense of guilt.

The years together I had squandered: long nights when I would lay in your arms, feel the soft weight of your hair upon my cheek; heated arguments where such things were said that I now regret; secret smiles and fleeting touches under a table or around a corner; passionate embraces by the dying embers in the hearth. Moments I thought I would always remember, always be able to re-enact, but that are now gone. Lost to time and to memory.

Though I said the words time and again, did I ever put forth the emotion or conviction for you to believe? Did you know how my heart would flutter as I smiled at you? Did you ever understand how complete your presence made me feel? I loved you with every fibre of my being, every shred that formed the being 'Glorfindel' is still devoted to you. Still devoted to you.

I cannot say the years have made your loss easier to bear. I cannot say my memories are a comfort for me, for they can never bring to me the sense of warmth your life brought to me. All I know is this pain, a never-ending gnawing at my very soul that can never be completely ignored. Elrond continues to tell me how the pain will ease as more time passes, for we are eternal and our pain is longer lived than that of most other beings.

With a nod and a watery smile, I appease his sense of worry. I cradle my sorrow to my breast, as it is the only true feeling I have left of you. You were all I needed, all I wanted, and all I lost.

What were the last words you whispered to me before disappearing between the flaps of my tent? Oh, yes. With eyes as blue as a summer sky, twinkling with humour I never quite understood, you looked over your shoulder at me. Aye, I can remember that image, but I cannot remember the smells, the sounds, or the touch of the fur under my naked body. All I remember is you, tall and broad, gold and sapphires, fell and proud, and your lyrical voice asking...

Asking... "Are you still breathing?"

I chuckled and shook my head. You always asked such a question when our seed was spent and our bodies sated. It took me decades to understand it.

No, my dear Wood King, I ceased breathing the day you did. You were my breath, my life, my very heartbeat, and without you, it all stopped.

Breathe into my hands, Oropher, or cup them like a glass to drink from, and fill me with life once more.

*****

THE END

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