Posted: March 2004
Title: The Council of Elround
Author: Orchyd Constyne
Type: FCS
Characters: Various
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I do not own LotR or any characters, lands, or items from the Tolkien world. They belong to their respective copyright holders.
Warnings: Horrible puns and possibility of indigestion
Author's Notes: When Ilye first began beta-reading for me, she noticed a persistent typo of mine. I would constantly type Imladris as 'Imlardis.' This amused her so much that she proposed a parody fic starring Elround, Lord of Imlardis. I couldn't resist. So, rather than writing the stories I am supposed to be writing today, I wrote this with a little help from Erik.

Summary: The heroes of Middle-Earth convene to determine its fate.

*****

"Tourists from distant lands, regulars of old. Welcome to Imlardis," Elround began, his voice deep and serious. "I am Elround, and I'll be your server today. You have been invited here to answer the threat of Merlot. Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of dehydration. None can escape it. You will unite or you will starve." He looked around the assembled council, letting the seriousness of his statement sink in. "Each race is bound to this one course, this one appetizer. Bring forth the Onion Ring, Frydo."

Frydo slowly approached the pedestal and gently placed the deep fried ring of evil where all could look upon it.

Burrito spoke softly, leaning forward and staring with open hunger at the Onion Ring. "So it is true... The appetizer of men... It is a delicacy. A delicacy to the foes of Merlot! Why not use this Onion Ring?" Burrito stood up and addressed those who had been called to the Council of Elround. "Long has my father, the Stewer of Gumbo, kept the spices of Merlot to bay, and occassionally sage. By the sauce of our people are your lands kept fed. Give Gumbo the snack of the Enemy. Let us use it against him!"

"You cannot eat it! None of us can. The One Onion Ring answers to Saffron alone. It has no other master." Elround winced at the nasal tone his foster son, Earocorn's, voice had taken. One would think the pudgy Baster had never had voice lessons with Eroaster!

"And what would a Baster know of this matter?" Burrito scoffed.

Legolamb stood up suddenly, defending his lover. "This is no mere Baster. He is Earocorn, son of Alfredo. You owe him your allegiance."

"Earocorn? This is Fish-ildur's heir?" Burrito asked with disdain. He supposed that the Baster might clean up okay, and Burrito certainly wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers. Or anything else, for that matter.

"And chef of the pot of Gumbo!" Legolamb glared at the Man.

"Hava MilkDud, Legolamb," Earocorn said gently, admiring the svelte form of his lover. After growing up in Imlardis, where most of the Elves were plump and round, Legolamb had been a refreshing change for the exiled Chef. He stood and walked over to Legolamb. He placed the chocolate treat between his lips and invited the Elf to take it. Legolamb gripped Earocorn by the forearms and kissed him deeply, sucking the Milk Dud into his mouth and chewing noisily.

Burrito returned to his seat, rubbing his swollen crotch and muttering, "Gumbo has no chef; Gumbo needs no chef."

CannedOlive rolled his eyes. Sure, kiss the Elf, ignore the Maia. Just because he had the appearance of an old man didn't mean he didn't still have *needs*, after all. "Earocorn is right. We cannot use it."

Elround stood and drew himself up to his full height, the impact of which was somewhat lessened by his girth. "You have only one choice. The Onion Ring must be consumed." He heard Eroaster gasp beside him and he wondered where Glorfennel had run off to. The Calorie-slayer would have been most welcome at the council. Then he noticed that his Chief Councilor appeared to have four legs. Combined with the subtle bobbing beneath Eroaster's robes, Elround realized *exactly* where Glorfennel had gone.

"Then what are we waiting for?!" Gimme grabbed his sire's fork and brought it down on the evil Onion Ring. There was a bright flash that blinded everyone for a moment. When everything returned to normal, the Onion Ring still sat on the pedestal: unharmed.

Elround rolled his eyes. The grubby Dwarf had no clue. "The Onion Ring cannot be consumed, Gimmie son of Loin, by any stomach that we here possess. The Onion Ring was made in the fryers of Mountain Dew. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Merlot and cast back into the deep fryer from whence it came." The Lord of Imlardis looked around again, feeling very important as he stated, "One of you must do this. Because I sure as hell ain't."

From his sulking position beside the other Men of Gumbo, Burrito piped up again. "One does not simply walk into Merlot without reservations. Its black beans are guarded by more than just Oranges. There is evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Pie is ever-watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with grapes and fruit and cheeses. The very air you breathe is a heady perfume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly!"

Eroaster sighed and looked around with a bored _expression on his face. He could not believe the pessimestic outlook these Men had. And the depressing lack of hygiene. Perhaps it was their upbringing. Eroaster had heard that the Men of Gumbo were fed only seafood and peppers, unlike the Elves of Imlardis. Yes, he was sure they would have been a much more amiable people had they had the rich, buttery food the chefs prepared for Elround and his house. Elround sat down again and Eroaster chose that moment to snake his hand beneath his lover's robes to caress the Lord's round belly.

How he loved Elround's belly.

Legolamb huffed and stood again. He didn't have to, but he rather hoped Earocorn would offer him another Milk Dud to sit back down. "Have you heard nothing Lord Elround has said? The Onion Ring must be consumed!"

Gimmie the Dwarf snapped, "And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?" Gimmie was irritable. He was always irritable. Not being able to tell one's men apart from one's women would make anyone irritable. Not to mention very sore.

"And what if we fail, what then? What happens when Saffron takes back what is his?" Burrito could no longer hold his temper in check. He had his little brother, Enchirito, to think of, after all. Enchirito had never been able to please their father, Dinnerfork, the way that Burrito could. The older brother figured it was because Enchirito had yet to master deep-throating. The Enemy had to be defeated to give his brother more time to practice!

"I will be dead before I see the Onion Ring in the belly of an Elf. Never feed an elf!" Gimmie cried into the ensuing melee.

Eroaster took the opportunity to slip his hand further down Elround's belly and stroke the Elf-lord's ample length. Elround turned to him, a smirk on his lips, and Eroaster knew he would be relieving his lover's tension very shortly. If only this damned council would end! He would have to find FigNewton quickly after the council so that the younger Elf could take care of the guests while he wisked Elround away for some much needed stress relief.

The little Hobbit stood up, trying to get the council's attention. "I will take it." His little voice was lost in the shouting. "I will take it!" he cried again. When no one said anything and the arguments continued, he raised his voice even louder. "I will suck off anyone who asks!"

The entire council fell silent, and all eyes turned hungrily to the halfling. "Now that I have your attention," Frydo continued, "I was saying that I will take it. I will take the Onion Ring to Merlot." Those assembled licked their lips, and Frydo looked about himself with worry. "Though... I do not know the way."

CannedOilve put his hand on Frydo's shoulder, offering the small, timid creature some comfort. It would make it easier for him to convince Frydo to share his sleeping bag later. "I will help you bear this burden, Frydo Haggis, as long as it is yours to bear."

"If, with my breakfast or dinner, I can protect you, I will. You have my spatula!" Earocorn knelt before the Hobbit and pledged himself. He was going to be Chef of Gumbo; Elround had told him it was his destiny. Might as well cook one major dish before he settled down to rule.

Legolamb glared at his lover. They were supposed to go back to his father's realm so Earocorn could state his intention in courting the Prince. But he couldn't let Earocorn go on the silly journey with only a Hobbit and a Wizard. Besides, it would be the only way he could get a good shagging anytime in the next couple of months. "And you have my bowl."

"And my fork!" shouted Gimmie, not to be outdone.

Legolamb tried to bury his annoyance. Not only was he going to have to traipse from Imlardis to Merlot, but now he would have to do it with the dirty Dwarf in tow. That little thing had been trying to catch him naked all day. Earocorn had a lot of making up sex to give him.

Burrito regarded the forming group and focused his eyes on the nervous Frydo. He'd said something about sucking off anyone, right? "You carry the dinner of us all, little one. If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gumbo will see it done."

Suddenly, another voice cried out. "'Ere! Mr. Frydo's not eatin' anything without me!" Spamwise rushed up to stand beside his charge, a look of determination upon his fat little face. The gardener didn't like the way those other people were looking at his bed-buddy. And Frydo was such a slut that he'd shag anything that moved. Best to go along and make sure that Frydo kept his hands -- and everything else -- to himself.

Elround was not amused; he now had to stand after Eroaster had stroked him to hardness. Damn that Elf. A good spanking would be in order later. He held his hand in front of himself and smirked at Spamwise. Did the Hobbit think he was being subtle? "No, indeed. It is hardly possible to separate you, even with a crowbar and some cold water."

Two more voices piped up and the other Hobbits joined their friends.

"Hey! We're comin' too," Popcorn said.

"And when we're done, we're going with Frydo!" Berry smiled and retied his pants.

"Anyway, you need people of good taste on this sort of recipe... dish... thing."

Berry glared at Popcorn. "Well, that rules you out, Pop!"

Elround smiled. Finally, the council meeting was almost over. And when it was, he planned on teaching Eroaster to show some respect for his Lord. "Nine companions. So be it. You shall be The ShortOrder Cooks of the Onion Ring." Wow, that was a mouthful -- not unlike Glorfennel. Thank the Valar he only had to say it once.

Popcorn smiled brightly. "Right! Where are we going?"

*****

THE END

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to: Orchyd Constyne