Never, Never
Parts 1-2

Posted: May 2004
Title: Never, Never
Author: Naresha
Type: FCS
Characters: Boromir/Faramir
Rating: R
Beta: Larien Elengasse
Summary: Wishing the past were different (Boromir's POV)
Warnings: Frequent sexual references, adult themes, incest and homosexual relations.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, all characters were created by JRR Tolkien and it is not intended to cause insult or offence to the persons referred to herein.
Notation: This Fic has been rated in accordance with the approved TTFF Rating System for Australian and New Zealand fiction.
Notes: "Never, never" is a drinking game which extracts embarrassing confessions from people. This plot bunny came from a party at which an associate revealed she had at one time had a crush on her own brother!
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If I could only hold you now and make the pain just go away
Can't stop the tears from running down my face
Delta Goodrem, "Lost Without You"

* * *
I held you in my arms for so long, held you close, held you tight and loved you every minute of the day and the night. I thought that you knew how much I loved you; I thought you knew how often I rested my hand against the empty side of my bed and longed to feel your warmth radiating from it.

I remember your first kiss, your first heartbreak, all the firsts of your life. I remember the joy on your face, the sadness in your eyes and the anger in your fists at all times of your life. I remember the strange expression in your eyes, the unnatural quickness of your heartbeat the first time you crept that little bit closer, held that little bit tighter, pressed that little bit harder. I fought everything in me that night, heart and soul to keep from kissing you. I knew that you had to learn for yourself, no matter what I felt, you had to make your own choices, decide your own path for your life. But as you cuddled closer, the terror of the nightmare still fresh in your mind, I thought that I would be involved.

Even now, in the empty room, I can still feel your breath softly rhythmic against my cheek, as you sank back into the realm of sleep. I lay awake that night, a multitude of thoughts swirling in my mind. You had lain in my bed, so many times in years passed, scared of the dragons and demons that had invaded your rest, seeking comfort in the thought that I would protect you from the evils that lurked in the dark depths of the world of slumber. Yet, your sleep had not been troubled for many years, the childish fears of your youth having seemingly disappeared. However, you came to me once again, your prolonged absence from my bed now broken and with it you brought new thoughts to me. New ways of looking at you. I felt shame, I felt denial, I felt lust, but overriding it all, I felt love, love in a way I had never felt for anyone else before. The many women our father had paraded around me in his endless attempt to have me married, not one of them had evoked any desire this pure and deep within me. My body urged me, kiss you, but my mind forced me to lie still, told me I was wrong to think the way I did. But the more I thought on the matter, the less it mattered to me. I knew that the love I felt for you was as true as the love any man felt for any woman. But I did not know your feelings. Your lips had spoken no words of love to me; I only had one night of being able to gaze into your eyes to give me my hope.

For months, I held my breath, waiting for any sign that your affections lay with me and for months, I found nothing. You held your emotions in close, always locked inside you. How I longed to be the key that would unlock your heart and find the way inside. But no matter how hard I searched, I found nothing. You were mute on all matters of the heart and no amount of persuasion could draw them from you. Every night, I lay in my bed, remembering the touch of your thin fingers against my chest, the scent of your sweat as it clung to your skin. I ached for you more than I have ever known, it was a primal urge from deep within to want to comfort you, to want to hold you and bind us together.

Then one night, you came to my room once again. An ordinary night, not a night plagued by storms or cold or any other demon of the earth. You came to me silently, sliding between my sheets as you had done so often before. You lay your body flush against mine, shaking softly as you did so, and I felt your hand rest lightly on my chest. I looked into your eyes, and for the first time I saw inside you. I saw the fear, the nerves, the hunger and lust, all of which matched my own. I slid my own hand over yours, and held it gently. I looked down at you to gauge your reaction and I saw your smile. A smile of relief that I had not shunned you, that I had not rejected you. You rested your head against my chest, and I dipped my own to kiss your forehead, a chaste kiss that now has new meaning for both of us. You tilted your face towards mine, seeking further affection and I am happy to oblige, kissing your lips. I could feel the fear of our forbidden act weighing on your mind as I sought to bring you physical pleasure. I squeezed your hand to reassure you and gradually, you relaxed, reciprocating my kiss.

In all my short years, never had my heart felt lighter, or freer, or happier than it did at that moment. You lay with me all night, content to be by my side, warm, resting and seemingly mine. But when the dawn light crept over the horizon, you left me and I awoke to a cold bed, with nothing more than the memory and your lingering smell.

Now, as I think on this, my heart aches with the memory. Such a sweet first night, our shared innocence, our inquisitive natures eager and youthful, wanting to explore further, act on our passions, but knowing the feelings were forbidden so we stilled our hands, content to lie, wrapped in one another's arms.

Each night after that one precious first evening, you returned to me again. With each night, our nerves dissipated and we relaxed further. Each night, the knowledge that what we did was illicit slowly slipped further out of our minds. Gradually, our intimacy grew, and with it, so did the feelings I felt for you. I longed to take you and hide you away from the wrath of our father, away from the disgusted eyes of the people. Every night, I fell more in love with you, and every morning I hated myself more. Whilst you lay in my bed each night, you left it, left me before dawn broke the inky blackness of the night sky. Every morning, I found myself longing for a normal life, not one I was forced to keep shrouded.

Then one night you did not come. And I went to you, seeking a reason. I went to you. And you would no longer look me in the eye. You would no longer relax into my touch; instead, you shied away from my questioning touches. I asked you questions, you merely shook your head, refusing to face me. Your voice sounded so steady, but I knew that tears stained your cheeks. I knew your every emotion so well, they were so similar to my own; you could be thought to be my twin.

In my heart, I knew what was wrong. I knew you were pulling away from me. You knew as well as I did that what we did was wrong. You knew that we could not continue to pretend as we had done, could not continue the façade we had created for ourselves. Our love was forbidden, abhorrent and could not continue. I sighed, a silent tear falling from each of my eyes; I wrapped my arms around you, hugging you one last time, kissing your cheek, a chaste tribute to the forbidden passions we had once shared, before leaving you for the last time.

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Part 2
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So much is happening to me.
So much that I can't even see.
So many words of wisdom that I am trying to be.
Catch me if I should fall.
And even more so while I'm standing tall.
Delta Goodrem, "In My Own Time"

* * *

I looked at you for so long, dear brother, always admiring, always in awe. I dreamed that I could one day come to be as worthy as you were, as praised as you were. I wanted only to follow in your great footsteps. For years, you were my comfort and my confidante, the one who always knew what to say and how to react. You tended my wounds, cleaning and covering scrapes from long hours of practise with a sword. You dried my tears whenever my lessons were too hard, or our father too stern. For all those long years, I took comfort in your bed and in your arms whenever I was fearful. And every time I came to you, you held me in warm, caring arms, always willing to comfort a cowardly child, always willing to quiet a frantic imagination. I held onto you desperately, and you always soothed my frightened mind with your gentle actions and quiet, reassuring words. But never did I dream I would grow to love you in a way a brother should not.

But slowly my heart grew and changed, and I found myself longing for you. Longing for your touch, your warmth, your soft voice… I wanted to share your bed, share its warmth, cosiness and safety; I wanted to share those things with you. Whilst I was always open with you, I would never tell you of what truly lay in my heart. You joked with me about the women father paraded in front of you, telling me you would rather lie with one of your men than with someone you did not love. Never did I dream that your heart longed for another man, never did I dream that it longed for me as much as mine longed for you. You were always kind to me, listening to my fears and hopes like our father had always done for you, and as I had always wished he would do for me. You knew everything about me, every moment in my life. You always shared my joys, my tears and my disappointments. You were always the one to pick me up when I fell, hug me when I was sad, and cheer with me when I succeeded. But it was a brother's arms that hugged me, a brother's hand that patted me on the shoulder or handed me a sword.

As I grew and longed to carve out a life for myself, I realised that I found no joy in the sight of a woman's face, no arousal from their shapely form. I searched deep in my heart, probing my soul, looking to be mistaken, looking to find a hidden reason for why I did not long to spend my life in the soft embrace of a woman's arms. But I found no reasons, no hope; nothing that I could call on to change my own heart's feelings. But even when I had accepted that I would not find love with a woman, I could not find one man who made me feel anything. I looked into all their eyes and then into my heart and could not imagine myself sharing a bed with any of them. I lay awake in my own cold bed each night, crying silent tears, wishing I could find someone to share my life with, someone who would hold me as you had done when I was little and times had grown rough. I questioned myself daily, asking myself if it was just fear that held me back, yet every time I came away feeling at the same loose end. Then one night, as I lay in my bed, once again asking the same worn questions to the mute night sky, seeking the same hidden answers from my locked heart, I found a key. A small key, shining like one of the stars above me. The image of your face danced through my mind and I realised how much I longed to tell you of troubles, longed to pour out the contents of my heart to your waiting ears. I shook awake the feelings that stirred within in me, shook them away every night from then on, but all the time knowing in the pit of my stomach that I could only dismiss them for so long.

But then came that night; the night I lay awake, wanting nothing more than to lie in your bed. I wanted to be held in the warm safety of your arms and hear your gentle words lilting into my ears, bringing me comfort, making me feel loved, letting me know that there was one person in these cold, cavernous rooms that cared for me. I wished to rest my head on your chest and listen to your heartbeat, feeling its rhythm, feeling its constancy. And so it was that I left my own room, creeping quietly along the darkened corridors, my heart filled with fear; fear of capture, fear of discovery, fear that you would reject me. I paused outside your door, listening to my blood pounding in my ears. I licked my dry lips, trying to find the courage to move my hand and open your door. So many times did I reach out, but draw back in fear. I cursed my lack of courage, admonishing myself for being cowardly. The final time I reached out, I was close to tears, but somehow, I opened your door and pushed my way inside.

I could not look you in the eye for so long. I knew I had no reason to come to you that night, yet I did. I feared that you would reject me, yet a part of me did not care. I only knew that I had to feel your arms around me, hear your voice in my ear and feel the warmth of your bed. But then I felt your hand on my chest, resting over my heart and I finally lifted my eyes to meet yours. Relief washed over me; I could see in your eyes that you felt the same; you felt the same fear, the same nerves, the same hunger and lust that I felt deep inside myself. I smiled with relief; you had not rejected me, you had not thrown me from your room in disgust, instead, you had accepted me and shown me that you shared my feelings. That night was the happiest of my life.

From that night on, every night was spent in your arms, spent in your warm and loving embrace, our intimacy gradually growing, gradually deepening. I found myself deeply in love with you and falling further every day. Fear still grew in my heart, growing as steadily as my love. I feared we would be found out, feared our father would learn of our illicit relationship. I felt the eyes of everyone burning into me with increasing intensity everyday we were together. I feared that they knew, feared that they could see inside us, see into our hearts and see what we felt for each other; unnatural love. I loved you more than I had, or could, ever love another. But every time you and I both wanted to lean in and pull away. I wanted more from you, yet I knew I must have less. I did not want to hurt you, but I knew I must hurt myself to have us both survive unscathed. I looked into your eyes one night, and could see the love and the happiness in them, but I felt the cold truth in my heart. The next night, I said goodbye to you, and goodbye to what we had. You did not hear any of my words of farewell, for I spoke them only in my heart. The night after that, I did not return. I knew you would come after me, knew you would seek answers from me and you did. But try as I did, I could not bring myself to speak the words. Once again, I could not bring myself to look into your eyes. I felt the tears streaming down my face and I knew that you knew what I cried for; I heard it when you stopped speaking and sighed, felt it when you embraced me, and confirmed it when I heard the door thud closed behind you. I closed my eyes that night, and cried my feelings to the night sky, lamented my loss to the stars shining down on the dark land below me and wailed silent prayers to the walls around me, wishing that things could be different, wishing that our love was not so abhorrent to our people. I longed to run to your room and fall at your feet, begging your forgiveness for being so foolish, but I knew I could not. I knew I must remain strong and keep my resolve, no matter how much it hurt my heart. I wished I had been able to tell you how much I loved you and how much your love had meant to me, but I had not; I could not. It was so hard to break away from you, but I knew it had to be done. You had always been the strong one in our family; you had always been the one that held the admiration and respect of those around us, and although I loved and respected you just as much, it hurt me that others did not and I knew it hurt you in the same way. But by this act, cruel and heartbreaking as it had been to do, I knew I had proved to myself that your strength lay within me also.

*****

THE END

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