Posted: August 2004
Title: The Prince and the pea/The prince on the pea
Author: Bee and Myr
Type: RPS
Rating: NC-17
Characters: Prince Viggo (Mortensen), Prince William (Boyd), King Hugo (Weaving), Queen Seania (Bean), cameo by Dominic Monaghan as the reluctant waiter.
Spoilers: Well, if you haven't read the fairy tale ever but were really dying to have a go, don't read this because we are revealing the thrilling plot here.
WARNINGS: Just slash and should you find it funny then perhaps a pillow for when you helplessly fall to the floor in laughter...
Disclaimer: The events never happened. This fic is for entertainment purposes only, not profit. We, the authors, make no claim through this work as to the fictive characters/ actual lives/ preferences/ activities of the people mentioned herein.
Beta: Ourselves because it was too silly to bother our usual darlings
Timeline: Originally written by H.C. Andersen in 1835 so why not?
Notes: Written for the VOLA Fairy Tale Challenge.
Summary: Prince in need of mate - pronto. However, can the chosen mate hold water when his authentic is tested?

/.../ Indicates thoughts.

*****

The Prince and the pea/The Prince on the pea
By Brendarianna

Once upon a while ago there was a prince called Viggo, one of the real ones, a truly stud wanting a playmate. Yes, he wanted nothing less than his own little princeling to have fun with all night so... oh but it had to be one of the real ones - not a Disney reject from other Fairy Tales. Yes a fairy. He smiled. He wanted a princeling who fancied other princes. Especially a stud like yours truly. Therefore, he travelled the wide world in search of a fairy prince to bed all night and still wanting more.
There were princes everywhere, and they all looked willingly enough when he unlaced his leggings to show them his crown jewels but there were always something the matter. He could not detect if they were REAL princes or just coming on to him for a bit of fun in the haystack... So sadly, he had to return to his father's kingdom with no bride or dowry.

*****

Prince William was tired, wet, and sore. Billy, to his friends but not his parents, was walking down a muddy road soaked and miserable.

His parents had sent him from his home, banished him from their kingdom simply because he refused to be pastured out as a stud to beget the next line of kings. They refused to understand he wanted a man in his bed, not some snivelling, and weak female. He wanted to be dominated not do the dominating. In addition, because of this, Billy had saved himself, refusing numerous propositions to rid him of his pure, virginal state. Therefore, Billy remained untouched still, hard and wanting, but still untainted for his one true love.

His conveyance had broken down about three miles back and the coachman had refused to leave the dry warmth of his box to get help. The driver's attitude paralleled that of the royal family; Billy was less than what they expected and therefore did not deserve the respect or obedience usually reserved for the rest.
The prince's feet were in agony, he was not used to walking great distances and his soft leather shoes were not made for this.

Billy knew he was not what most princes were reported to look like; he was considered short, barely five foot and six inches, thinning hair. However, he did have the most startling green eyes, always full of mirth and keen intelligence. He knew there was the right man waiting out there for him, his very own Prince Charming.

Looking up the blond haired prince spotted the dim glow of lamplight, a beacon of sanctuary lay ahead, and he hastened towards it.

*****

The royal family was sitting knitting socks for families in need, when a waiter alerted them someone was at the door.

King Hugo took off his glasses and looked at the servant saying: "Would it be too much asking if YOU went and saw who it is, Dominic?"

The servant nodded terrified and ran downstairs. The King sighed and got up and went to the grand hall and up the three steps to open the huge oak door. Queen Seania and Prince Viggo stood behind his back, eagerly waiting to see if some other king from another kingdom would kill daddy.

Then the door slowly opened and the magnificent sight of...

"What's this, I say?" the King frowned. "This is jesting I'm sure." Then he looked a few inches lower and smiled.

"Oh! Greetings. Didn't see you down there... you're so... not tall dear." They all gathered in the door now to have a look at the small drenched frankly spoken pathetic little man standing on the lowest step to the castle.

"Come hither! You seem like a promising match to my horny son here. He shall be king one day so you'd better walk up here and introduce yourself."

"Is he a fairy, daddy?" Viggo asked with shining eyes. This princeling-kinda-assembling-kinda-posh-hairstyle /outfit-guy did look ever so promising.

"I'm not sure son. He's looking very... wet... and... they're not easy to pinpoint while they're wet son. We had better take him in and take all his clothes off to have a better look when he's dry."

Viggo grinned and wriggled his eyebrows. "Oh yes daddy. Let's take his clothes off. All of it."

*****

Shivering uncontrollably in his velvets and furs, the green-eyed prince could not believe his fortune.
The welcoming warmth and the kindly offer to assist him in the removal of his sodden clothing was a most gracious consideration. One he intended to accept most willingly.

/What a tall family though, / he thought as he was courteously ushered into the heated marble foyer, his eyes travelling up and up until they rested on the silvery blue depths of the other Prince's eyes.

/Wow! He's gorgeous, simply hunky! I wonder if he's single?/ Smiling coquettishly, Prince William bowed deeply.

"Thank you for your hospitality, it is most kind and gracious of you." Another bow to the King and Queen personally, he continued, "I am Prince William of the Kingdom of Sodomany."

Shrugging the matted green velvet from his slender shoulders, Billy let it slide to the floor. His leggings were as a second skin, showing every curve and sleekly muscled inch of his limbs. The silk shirt was moulded to his lightly furred chest, outlining his pebbled nipples, tight and peaked from the cold rain.

"Might I have the pleasure of knowing my hosts' names?" Soft spoken and demure, Billy's words barely reached the straining ears so far above him...

*****

King Hugo tugged at his wife's goatee for a while and then he said: "Bills of Scotland?"

The young guest rolled his eyes and wiped the water from his eyelashes before answering: "Nay! Sodomany! Never heard of Scotland! Tsk good gracious..."

"Ah!" the King exclaimed.

"But then... your daddy has repeatedly tried to attack my daddy!" Prince Viggo quipped.

King Hugo rolled his eyes at his son but smiled patiently. "Nay, dearest product of your mother's loins. ("Not mine," he winked to the readers.) "That would be the twin concubines of Sodapopsien."

"Oh," Viggo grinned pretending to flatten his gorgeous princely curls. Then he pulled his hand from his leggings and stared nonchalantly at prince William.

"Hi there," he suddenly bursted out and extended his hand to the prince. "I'm Prince Viggo by the way."

"Remember you rank, son" Hugo growled and hit his son three times with small pats to his backside.

Prince Viggo grinned and looked seductively at the still dripping young man in front of them. He sent him small kisses and noted that Prince William was not disinclined towards him. He put his tongue in his cheek and wriggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Viggo!" the queen exclaimed. "Could you slow down a sec luv?"

"We are King Hugo, Queen Seania and Prince Viggo of Rimmingham. Sooo - tired? Hungry? Oh - clothes off. Riiiight... almost... forgot... that yes." King Hugo clapped four-five, maybe six times and finally Dominic showed his gracious self.

"Take this hot young thing to a chamber at least two doors from Prince Viggo's would you?"

Dominic cringed and the Queen rolled her eyes and took the young prince herself along.

*****

Following the very tall and muscular fair Queen of Rimmingham, Billy felt a light pinch to his ass, a 'girlish' and very feminine squeal of protest echoed of the smooth white walls and hurried him along.

Stopping by a richly ornate door with a high handle, Prince William blinked owlishly as the hairy hand pushed it open.

Stepping inside, he was met with the sight of a huge bed, a very huge bed. One he would obviously need a ladder to climb to reach the top.

"Uhm, that's kind of big, yeah?" The green-eyed Prince's voice was a small squeak of dismay; he was very restless in bed and often found himself on the floor.

"There are other things in this room that are bigger." The deep raspy masculine voice rumbled along Billy's spine, the Queen's son having followed them.

Spinning around he came face to face, err face to chest with Prince Viggo, tilting his head back until he had a crick in his neck he smiled sweetly at the taller man.

"There are? What would they be?" the innocent look in the blond haired Princes green eyes assured the lascivious Viggo that is was not a double entendre.

"Oh yes, nice and long, thick and round and perfect on a bed."

"And what would that be, Prince Viggo?" Billy was truly enraptured; this tall and handsome prince was interested in him! Little Prince Willy might have met his mate.

"The bolster, up there near the head."

*****

Viggo looked at the Queen Mother.

"I'll take care of this pretty little thing. Why don't you go and wax something...?"

The Queen frowned. "Oh... does it show?"

"Just a tiny little bit, mummy," Viggo said in a singsong voice.

The Queen rushed off and laughing Viggo shut the door.

The pretty young princeling jolted at the sound. He smiled and then and began taking his fur coat off. He ignored completely the pool forming under him and swooped his way towards the tall yummy prince.

"Uh-uh! You're still wet. I want you ... drier..." Viggo grinned at the eager prince who waddled back to his pool and started unfasten, unzipping, unbuttoning and unlacing his fancy gear.

"Are you a real Prince then?" Viggo asked lighting a fag.

"Oh yes Prince Viggo. I am a real one," Prince William said eager to prove himself.

"How can I tell? Those are just words." Viggo blew smoke in William's direction.

William coughed and waved the smoke in another direction.

Viggo smiled as the petite body slowly was revealed and the small prince stepped out of the last chaste piece of garment.

"Ohhhh - I loved that girdle, William," Prince Viggo said, smilingly. He neared the young princeling and took him into his arms.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" They both turned at what sounded like Queen Seania, but now Viggo wasn't so sure.

"Mother?" he asked frowning. A stunning - only still quite huge - woman towered in the door.

"Off you go. Now say nite-nite to Prince William, dear." Viggo sighed disappointedly and kissed Williams' cheek before leaving the room.

"Fag, Viggo!" Prince Viggo stopped in the door and reluctantly handed over the rest of the cigarette to his chain-smoking mother.

Placing the fag in the side of her mouth, the Queen said efficiently: "Now."

Moreover, before William knew any better, several people began pulling sheets, duvets, mattresses and what not into the room.

The Queen shrugged apologetic. "Yes I know - the bed seemed tall enough at first, but ... I HAVE to make sure you are what you claim, dear boy."

And so twenty of each in total was nicely arranged on the bed and - strong as the Queen truly was - she single-handedly lifted all of these layers and under the lowest mattress, she put a single pea. Lifting her magnificent corpus back in position, she smiled at the awed prince and proclaimed: "Have a nice rest, dear Prince."

*****

/What a wonderfully considerate family, the Queen herself making the bed so much more comfortable for me! In addition, the Prince himself was helping me disrobe that way, very nice of him. I wonder why he kept touching me like that though. . /

Walking over to the Alpine height bed, Prince William sighed, it was a long way up, a very long way up. Suddenly it dawned on the naked man; he had not been given any sleeping attire.
Glancing over his shoulder he took in the sight of the cold and wet things, he did not like cold and wet, he preferred warm and wet. .

Pulling himself up each widely spaced rung, he huffed and puffed and finally made it to the top, and it only took him about 5 minutes, not too bad.

Crawling on all fours, Billy wiggled and twitched his way towards the nice round long thing, all beige, and firm looking just laying up there at the head.

Snuggling up to it, he gently stroked the silky smoothness under his fingers, marvelling at how something so hard could be so velvety at the same time.

Rolling onto his stomach, he squirmed trying to get into a comfortable position, his rounded ass proudly displayed, /if there were only someone here to admire it, / the lonely prince thought.

Sighing again, he rotated on to his back allowing his legs to fall open, and yet could not relax, there was something in the bed distracting him, and it kept nudging at his backside, stiff and firm.

Moving onto his side, he tried that position, but something was still missing, he did not feel like sleeping, what ever it was that had bothered his tush, was now prodding him on the side.

Shoving the hard round pillow between his knees, Billy closed his eyes and tried to imagine wonderful warm summer glades, soft trickling streams and naked woodland nymphs cavorting together . . .

*****

The royal family was awoken the next morning to horrible moans. They rushed to their young guests' chamber and stood smiling and cooing when the little cutie stuck out his sweet face from far up there under the ceiling.

"How did you sleep dear?" the Queen called. However, they got no answer as the lovely buttocks wriggled their way down the ladder.

Prince Viggo smiled expectantly but soon it became clear that something had happened to the young Prince of Sodomany during the night.

When he stood in front of them, he looked as if he had been engaged in kinks all night because his sexy little body was covered in multi coloured bruises.

"Awww! Couldn't you at least have waited for me?" Prince Viggo frowned.

*****

Looking perplexed at the oddly worded question, Prince Willy bowed and greeted his visitors, "Good morrow Your Highnesses, Price Viggo. Please pardon my lack of clothing but I cannot sleep in wet spots. If I had worn my . . .oh never mind." Blushing as the three tall individual ran their eyes appraisingly over his creamy hued form.

A soft tint of pink covered his flesh, "Might I impose upon your gracious hospitality further and ask for some clothing?"
Watching as the shimmering blue of Price Virility. ...uhm . . . Viggo's eyes darted from one purplish bruised spot to another, Prince Willy stood proud and tall, regal in his bearing.

"While I am eternally grateful for your generosity, I must admit I did not pass a restful evening. There was something in my bed that kept poking at me, would not allow me to sleep undisturbed at all."

At his pronouncement, the King and Queen's eyes swung accusingly to their lustful son, his father quirked an eyebrow in question.

"It wasn't me! I promise; I haven't poked him . .. yet." Shock coloured the words, a slight tinge of resentment for whom ever it was that had managed to climb the Prince. . uhm . . the ladder.

Folding his hand demurely in front of his royal sceptre, the prince of Sodomany tried to look everywhere but at the looming royal family.

*****

"Well!" Queen Seanie clapped happily and said warmly: "I put a small pea under the lllooooww..." She had bent and pulled out the evidence, "lowest mattress and still you've felt it despite all this bed wear, she waved at the many layers indifferently.

"You truly are a real Prince and worthy of my only son." She also waved nonchalantly at Prince Viggo who stood tripping so strangely rubbing his thighs. The Queen stopped in her tracks and sent her son a tired look.

King Hugo smiled lightly, pulled the little prince into his huge embrace, and then let go. Prince William sank to the floor fighting to breathe when the King let go.

"Upsi.." the royal head said.

"Come my love, let's go. I'll miss the latest beheading live from the market if we linger much longer."

The King smiled. "Yes, I would hate to miss my weekly Backgammon match with the sweaty guys in the smithy anyways..."

"What did you say, dear?"

"Oh nothing, my dove." The King said as they left.

"Phew..." Prince Viggo smiled and came closer to the ever-changing colours of cutie pie's bruises. He licked Will's ears and the little royalty shuddered and shifted his balance with every swipe.

"Ooooh... just as good as when my blood hound does it... erm... never mind."

"Hound?" Prince Viggo grinned and let his tongue travel down and around the base of the Prince's scull. More shudders and Viggo put his hands on perky nipples strutting as it would seem for this purpose only, so Prince Viggo played this fine-tuned instrument till he had a quivering mass in his arms.

He turned around and clapped his hands.

"What do you know? You clap your hands and TA DA! Mattresses are gone!" He patted on 'ready-to-go' sized bed and William eagerly crawled to bed resting on his hands and knees trying to make his butt as pointy and alluring as possible.

Prince Viggo scratched his hair and addressed the readers.

"Hey! You there! Do you think this virgin is a virgin?" He looked back at the wriggling tempting arse. Looked back at reader and shrugged before he dived into the creamy flesh howling.

*****

Squealing in feminine outrage, the decadent Prince of Sodomany bellowed, "Forsooth Sir! Impugning my purity indeed. I'll have you know I am a virgin. I may have had a few fingers... all right and a few tongues and some other nicely rounded firm things up there, but never a cock! So there, I am a virgin."

Having made his point the smaller nymphet placed his arms akimbo and pouted, his head turned away from the bewildered blue-eyed man.
Realizing that he was not going to get an apology from his bed partner, Prince Willy started to show interest in the other man's lack of response.

Turning his head back again, he noticed that miraculously the sumptuous robes of Prince Biggo. . 'Damnit' Prince Viggo had disappeared and was now as naked as he was.

Eyes bulging in delighted glee, 'little Willy' also was becoming happy. /Prince Viggo must like horses,/ Billy thought as he surveyed well the muscled proportions of the body blatantly displayed before him, /he sure looks like he is hung like one!/

Allowing a soft moue upon his talented lips, Prince William moved back into position, his delectable, firmly rounded globes spread invitingly in the air. "You my Prince shall make amends for besmirching my virtue! Now get over here and show me what you can do with that 'riding crop' of yours!"

Wiggling his backside once more, the mounds of flesh jiggling ever so slightly, 'little Willy' continued his happy twitching.

*****

"What a gorgeous little tush... sooooo.... squishy and fuckable!" Prince Viggo grabbed his cock and regretted that alas he could not mount himself.

"But damn wouldn't that be fun? Yeah?" He slapped Will's jiggling mounds and made them basically... well... jiggle.

Prince William nodded all for it until he realised what the prince was fabulating. "No! Mount me! I am the one who is in need of royal sausage. Prima salami and juicy meat balls..."

"Huh?" Prince Viggo didn't get the innuendo but the penny fell heavily. "Oh! Right! Just a sec and I'll be right in." He tugged his proud Prinzen Roll and almost came because he liked it so much. He looked at his hands and the wriggling socket in front of him and laughed.

"How silly of me. Of course I prefer you!" And then he put his amazing cock head right in front of his future bride's lovely hole and asked: "Say when, Willie!"

"When" Prince William croaked.

"I was talking to my dick, Billyboy!" Then he laughed: "Just kidding, but you said so darling."

And then, as it happens in most Fairy stories, the virgin was speared and he liked it so much he begged for more. In addition, who was Viggo to deny lovely Prince William this obvious honour? Nope, and so Viggo pounded his Biggo into his beloved virgin ALL morning with out fail.

The pea was put on display at the Arts Chamber where it still lingers unless someone has stolen it in the meantime.

Now that is a real story.

THE END

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