And You Thought My Son Was Hot

And You Thought My Son Was Hot

Posted: May 2005
Title: And You Thought My Son Was Hot
Author: Miranda Bell
Type: FCHet
Characters: Thranduil/OFC
Rating: NC-17 (barely)
Disclaimer: This story is written for pleasure not profit. All Middle-earthiness belongs to JRRT and Co. Please don't sue.
Timeline: Sometime during FotR
Warnings: Attempted humour
Beta: LadyHawksShadow
Summary: Thranduil receives an unexpected visitor.
Author's Notes: The title of this story is what I thought Leanan's Thranduil was salaciously (and justifiably!) vibing when I laid eyes on her beyond-scrumptious portrait of him - which can be found at Thranduil_of_Mirkwood.html

*****

[Mirkwood. Thranduil's guards bring in a dishevelled human woman before the throne.]

Guard #1: We've just saved her from the spiders, my liege.

Woman [not really looking at Thranduil at this point]: Bloody hell, those things stink! Icky! And could you guys get your filthy paws off me? I mean seriously, do I look like much of a threat? Do you think I'm here to assassinate your ki- [she catches sight of Thranduil properly and her jaw drops] ...your king... [faintly] holy shit.

[Thranduil stands before her on the dais. His muscled chest is bare and smooth, tapering to a taut belly and hips that are swathed only in a silky green wrap so low-slung almost his entire V-line is visible. A green cloak falls from his shoulders and a green wreath crowns a long mane of golden hair that seems to move gently in its own breeze. His eyes are deep green in his perfect face with its strong nose and perfectly-sculpted lips. The latter are currently curved into a leonine smile.]

Thranduil: Welcome to Mirkwood, lovely stranger. I am King Thranduil, and my word is law.

Woman: I... you... [gulps]... I mean... hello.

Thranduil: May I ask what brings you to my wood?

Woman: I... I... [her legs threaten to buckle beneath her]

Thranduil [sighing, to the guards]: Fetch the spider-poison antidote.

Guard #2: But my liege, as far as we can tell, she hasn't been bitten. She's been perfectly coherent up to now.

Thranduil [approaching her]: Did a spider bite you, my lady?

Woman: No... no spider... [gulps again]...

Thranduil [very close now]: Are you ill? Starved?

Woman: I'm fine... really... f-f-fine...

Thranduil [stroking her arm gently with strong fingers]: Yet you seem disturbed.

Woman [whimpering]: No, really... I'm... I'm...

Thranduil: Yes?

Woman: I'm... I'm... that is... [loses herself in his mesmerising emerald gaze for a moment then blinks]... what was I saying?

Guard #1: My liege, I think it might be your... [coughs discreetly]

Thranduil [impatiently]: My what?

Guard #2: You know... that effect you sometimes have on humans.

Thranduil [light bulb flashing]: Oh! But of course. [to the woman] I'm sorry my dear, am I making you rampant?

Woman [squeaking]: What?!

Thranduil: Lustful, abandoned, aflame... what's that human word again? [looks to his guards]

Guard #1: Horny, sire.

Thranduil: That's it! Horny. Am I making you horny, my lady?

Woman: Um... maybe a little... wait, no, you can't possibly be... [rallies herself] No. Not one bit. Because I'm here for Legolas.

Thranduil: Legolas, my son?

Woman: Yes, Legolas your son. I'm in love with him, and I've come to give myself to him.

Thranduil: How do you know my son?

Woman: I've seen him in movies.

Thranduil: Movies? What are they?

Woman: They're... look, that part's complicated. All you need to know is, I've seen your son. Many, many, many, many times. I may not have met him yet but I know we are one at a soul-deep level. Because he's, like, so heroic and noble and loyal and somehow otherwordly and, omigod, so totally hot. So manly it hurts, but then so clearly in touch with his feminine side.

Thranduil [wheeling away from her]: Are you calling my son a girl? I'll have you know...

Woman: No no, he's perfect! He completes me. He had me at hello. Well actually he had me at 'This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance' but it works out to the same thing. I just *know* we're meant to be together.

Thranduil [rolling his eyes]: If I had a Mearas for every time I'd heard someone say that -

Woman: No really -

Thranduil: - I'd have the finest racing stable in Middle-earth and those Rohan hicks could kiss my arse.

Woman: But it's true!

Thranduil [resigned]: Of course it is, my dear. Now, how did you enter my realm?

Woman: It wasn't easy. It involved lots of candles and incense and meditation in front of my Lord of the Rings extended editions boxed set and my Legolas doll but I made it. I *love* him, so I made it here. For him. So... where is he? Where is my Legolas?

Thranduil [advancing again, and she involuntarily sucks in her breath]: Well, that's the vexing part... he's away representing Mirkwood on an important mission right now... apparently that tiresome Sauron is trying to recover his little trinket... Galadriel mind-spoke to me yesterday and said he'd just left her realm with Isildur's heir and bunch of others they picked up in Imladris. Shame about Gandalf.

Woman [clasping her hands]: Oh, my darling Legolas, the hardships you have endured and the terrible battles still to come ... but... [looking at Thranduil with shining eyes] ...your majesty, it's hard to explain how I know this, but I *promise* Legolas will come back to you safe and unharmed.

Thranduil [indignantly]: Well of course he will, I trained him myself. Hours and hours of practice a day... muscles straining... the sweat glistening upon our honed bodies grappling in fierce combat...

Woman: Um, that sounds... [fans herself]

Thranduil: Of course I usually bested him in the end... that is, had his heaving, lathered body pinned to the ground beneath mine... [advancing upon the woman again]... but never without a tremendous... [slips his hand into the woman's hair] ...feral... [strokes her] ...battle of equals.

Woman: Gah!

Thranduil [grinning]: I believe I *am* making you horny after all.

Woman: No.

Thranduil: Are you sure? [presses his lips to her ear]

Woman [breathing heavily]: I'm... just a little tired after my long journey. I'm fine. [tries to distract herself] Oh by the way, Gandalf's not dead.

Thranduil: [running his lips down her jaw and pulling her melting body against his rock-hard frame]: That is excellent news. Your skin is as soft as velvet.

Woman: Um...

Thranduil [huskily]: Put your hands on me, girl.

Woman: I really shouldn't.

Thranduil: Why ever not?

Woman: I mustn't be untrue to my Legolas.

Thranduil: Legolas doesn't even know you exist yet.

Woman: But when he meets me... he'll know we're one... you know, his fëa and my fëa...

Thranduil [stroking her waist]: Be that as it may, I can tell you my son's fëa hasn't exactly minded him sleeping with dozens of pretty elleths while he's been waiting for his one true love to turn up so why don't you and I even up the score a little while he's off being brave? [his lips feather along the other side of her jaw]

Woman [weakly]: Well, you've got a point...

Thranduil: Clear thinking befits a ruler. [winds his other hand into her hair] Come on girl, are you going to put your hands on me or not?

Woman: Well, maybe just a little bit... [she slides her hands around his warm, smooth back that seems to go on forever]... wah!

Thranduil: Does that feel good?

Woman: Very good. Too good.

[He kisses her lips gently.]

Thranduil: And that?

Woman [whispering]: Too good.

[He kisses her again, this time teasing her lips apart and brushing her tongue with his.]

Thranduil: And that?

Woman: Far too good.

Thranduil: There's really no such thing, my lovely. There's only good... [the small kiss again] ...better... [the deeper kiss] ...and best.

[He runs his hands up her back, pulls her in tighter still so she can feel his swollen elfhood urgently pressing into her belly and kisses her until she can't breathe.]

Thranduil: Any thoughts on that?

Woman [with the last shred of coherence that hasn't given in to lust]: Oh my Legolas, I'm sorry... so many lonely nights without you... needing a warm body pressed against mine... I can't resist... forgive me...

Thranduil: Please don't be so hard on yourself, my lady. Do you think just because I am tasting of your sweet fruits now my son will not want to do so later? As I have taught him, he understands a woman's glories are there to be bestowed upon whomever she chooses, and that the more loving she has given and received the more generous is her bounty.

Woman: Well, when you put it like that...

Thranduil: It makes perfect sense. I assure you Legolas will not mind that you and I have enjoyed each other. [he is nuzzling her shoulders and breasts now] In fact I'm going to make it my mission that you will still wish me to enjoy you upon his return. You may even wish to enjoy us both together.

Woman [gasping]: You... and Legolas... together!!

Thranduil: That's a lot of blond hair and muscle, my lady, not to mentioned well-endowed elfhoods. Does it take your fancy?

Woman: Oh my goodness!

Thranduil: I'll take that as a yes until otherwise informed.

[He pulls her down onto the cushions scattered about the dais and proceeds to disrobe her.]

Woman: But I'm all dirty from my journey...

Thranduil: Then later I will bathe you. In the meantime...

[Minutes later Thranduil is deep between the woman's naked thighs and she is arching and moaning enthusiastically, kneading fitfully at handfuls of his golden flowing locks, while his tongue and fingers weave their magic upon her most intimate places. Thranduil suddenly realises his guards are still there and lifts one hand to dismiss them. The guards turn away somewhat reluctantly and trudge out of the throne room.]

Guard #1: All those hot, lusty human women who believe Legolas is their soul-mate...

Guard #2: I know, that's the third one this week!

Guard #1: Thranduil's one lucky, jammy bastard.

Guard #2: One lucky, jammy, sexy bastard. I mean, it's not like he forces them.

Both: Bastard!

Guard #1: Still, you know, it's not so bad. We get to pick up a couple here and there while they're all waiting for Legolas to come back.

Guard #2: Yeah, all that stuff Thranduil feeds them about sharing their sweet fruits and all...

Guard #1: He's really kind of looking out for us as well.

Guard #2: When you think about it.

Guard #1: All hail our glorious king.

Both [turning back to the dais]: Hail to King Thranduil!!

Woman [wailing, her orgasm crashing over her]: Oh, Thranduil!!!

[The guards grin at each other and disappear. The woman rests dazedly in Thranduil's arms getting her breath back, then takes his impressive and extremely erect elfhood in one hand. He gently stops her.]

Thranduil: Wait. The Valar know I need to be inside you now but I'm going to take you to my bed. Cushions or no cushions, this floor is hard and I don't want to bruise your petal-like skin as we take each other in our passion.

Woman [brain-mushed and buzzy]: You're so thoughtful, my king.

[Thranduil grins and kisses her, then rises and scoops her up in his strong arms.]

Thranduil: By the way, what is your name, lovely one?

Woman: Fangirlia.

Thranduil: Ah, that is a beautiful name, and perfect for special occasions. But for everyday, I'm going to call you Fanny.

[And with that he bears her away deep into the pleasure-caves of Mirkwood where time both seems to stand still and pass in the blink of an eye as she samples the King's many delights, not to mention those of his hunky guards, over and over, until the day Prince Legolas returns home to start getting to know his hundreds of soul-mates.]

*****

THE END

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