Secret Hobbies

Secret Hobbies

Posted: September 2004
Title: Secret Hobbies
Author: Lostiawen
Type: RPS
Characters: Orlando/???
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, none of this really happened. The author is not associated with or is implying anything about the sexual preferences or the lives of the people depicted within.
Warnings: Total crack !fic. Weird humor. Please, if you love your keyboard, put your liquids away. My pardons to JRD fans, but someone had to be the straight man.
Author's Notes: Okay, things have been too stressful/grim for some authors (me included) lately, so I felt the need to write a crack !fic. The initial bunny was started by a tidbit I saw in a gossip rag, and it just mutated from there.

" Ojos Infinitos" means "Her Infinite Eyes", and it's from Neruda. Salix dug it up for me, as well as providing a lot of helpful suggestions for names. You rock! Hope you enjoyed the smut, I followed your request. :).

Summary: Everyone has a secret hobby, even the members of the Fellowship.

*****

August, 2006

Orli yawned as he poured a cup of coffee for himself. He relaxed in his seat, waiting for Mark, the director for his latest movie, to come in.

As he sipped at his coffee, Orli smiled. "Animalistic Tendencies" was going to be the movie that once and for all, was going to break him away from his teenybopper fan base. It was a psychological drama with a huge amount of sexual content. So much, in fact, that security had been tightened to an astonishing degree.

There were no announcements that Orli had even signed onto this film. In fact, Orli had no idea who *had* signed onboard. He grinned. From reading the script, it was definitely going to be controversial, and that's exactly what he had been hoping for.

The door swung open and Mark stepped in. "How would you like to meet your leading lady, Orlando?"

"Sounds great, man. Who is she?"

"Her name's Mary Sue Stone."

Orlando frowned. "Never heard of her."

"That's because I wanted a quality that you just won't find from the popular starlets in Hollywood. She has to be able to portray a woman who's vulnerable on the surface, but is fierce, smart, classy, can kick some serious ass, *and* steam up the screen just by standing next to you."

"How in hell did you get someone like that, man?"

Mark grinned. "I sent out a call for a general audition and didn't say that Orlando Bloom was starring in it. I've got someone who'll fit you to a 'T', Orli. She's perfect."

"All right, introduce us."

Mark led Orli into the next room. His co-star was sitting in a chair, with her back to him. Orli caught a glimpse of dark hair.

Mark cleared his throat, "Mary, I'd like you to meet your co-star."

The chair swung around and Orli dropped his coffee cup. "S- sam?" he squeaked.

Sam couldn't even reply , her mouth just hung open wide enough to catch every fly in Los Angeles County.

***

When the Hobbits arrived at the bar, Orlando was well into his second stiff drink.

" Oi!" Orli said, motioning over to his booth. "Drinks are on me, mate."

"So what's got you so worked up, Orli?" Elijah asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," Orli said, gulping down his vodka and soda.

"Uh oh...sounds serious, especially if Orli is keeping his mouth shut," Dom said.

Orli just shook his head helplessly and gestured to the barmaid. He ordered a round of drinks for everyone, and slumped miserably in the booth.

From long practice, the Hobbits knew what to do in case of a sulky Orli -- drink until he was monged enough to start blabbing. They downed their drinks quickly and ordered more for Orli.

Sure enough, on his fourth vodka, Orli moaned, "This town is *so* fucked up. Have I told you about my newest film?"

"No, but I have a feeling that you're about to," Dom replied.

"Man, it was going to be the shit. James Bond meets Basic Instinct meets XXX meets Gosford Park..."

"Sound really fucking weird," Elijah said.

"No, dude! It means that I could free myself from the teen idol image. Was going to follow Viggo's example and all that."

"Uh, how?"

"I'm going to take off my clothes, you daft sod."

" Bills, what I did in Troy was nothing compared to what's happening in this film. We're talking full on bump and grind here...guaranteed to shock the censors. If I'm lucky, Mark said that it'll get banned in Peoria, although I have no idea if that's like, good."

Sean sipped at his drink. "So, um, I guess you had a change of mind about the sex scenes?"

Orli groaned. "No, even worse...they cast my sister."

"WHAT?" All four hobbits said in unison.

"Um, didn't they notice the 'Bloom' listed under her head shot?" Sean asked.

Orli shook his head. "Sam used a stage name."

Dom said, "Oh man, that means that you'll have to feel her boobs up!"

Orli yelled, "Shut up, you wanker!"

Dom moved in for the kill, "So does that mean you have to stick your tongue in her mouth? She'll probably have to get naked with you, too..."

Orli tackled Dom. "You cunt!" Fortunately, he was far too drunk to do anything coordinated, and he wound up in a messy sprawl across several hobbit laps.

The tension was broken and everyone giggled. Elijah patted Orli on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Orli. You'll be just as unconvincing with Sam as you will with all of your leading ladies."

"What in fuck are you talking about?"

Elijah shrugged. "Just that every time you have to kiss a girl on screen, it totally fizzles. You're not fooling any of us."

"And who in fuck is this 'us', Elwood?"

Elijah unzipped the case he was carrying and pulled out a laptop. "Never thought you'd ask, man." He powered the computer up. "I've been wanting to test out my cool new wireless card, so let me show you..." He went to a site and typed in a few words. "1.6 million fan sites think you're gayer than a tree full of monkeys, 1.3 million think you're bi..."

Orli turned bright crimson. Elijah continued to rattle off the statistics. "1.5 million sites think you're secretly doing Viggo..."

" Viggo??? Ew! The guy's like my brother," Orli said. "No way would I shag him!"

"Half a million think you're doing *me*..." Elijah crinkled his nose.

Dom piped up with, "How many sites think Orli's buggering me?"

"Shut up!" Orli said in horror.

Dom clapped his hand over Orli's mouth. "How many?"

Elijah tapped on the keyboard. "Um, 500...and one of them is yours."

Everyone turned to look at Dom.

"You blokes are all high! Where the hell did you pull *that* notion out of your arse, ' Lij?"

Elijah said, "Because the biggest site is run by kiltkink@yahoo.com, and I *know* that it's one of your e-mail addresses."

"You're mad."

"And you should learn to flush your history whenever you use my computer, Dom."

" kiltkink?" Orli said, grinning.

"Shut up," Dom mumbled.

" Ew!" Elijah suddenly said.

"Huh, what is it?" Sean asked.

"You don't want to know."

"Sure we do," Billy said.

"7 sites think Orli's doing John," Elijah said, blushing.

"EW!" Orli, Sean, Billy, and Dom said in unison.

"I did *not* need to hear that," Orli said. "I mean, John wasn't even on the horse in most of our shots, he was usually on his knees when he stood next to me..."

"Shut it!" Dom said. "Just drink your drink."

"Oh, I can do that," Orli said, lifting his glass in a mock toast.

"So, ' Lij...do *any* sites think that Orli's straight?" Billy asked.

Elijah tapped away on his keyboard. "Two...and one of them is run by Orli's mom."

Orli groaned. This was not turning out to be a good day by far.

***

Orli's head was spinning when Sean dropped him off at his house. He fumbled for his keys and somehow managed to make his way into the living room without killing himself.

His cell phone started playing the Macarena, and Orli growled. He really, truly hated that fucking song, but he couldn't figure out how to re-program his phone to play something else.

"Piss off!" he snarled into it.

"And fuck you, too," Sam's voice snapped back at him. "You had better figure out what you're going to do about the new film, because I already signed the contract and I can't pull out."

"Shit...sorry. Don't worry about it, I'll call Mark in the morning and tell him that I can't do it."

"Won't he get incredibly narked?"

"He can blow me. It's his fucking fault that he didn't notice the family resemblance and do some checking."

Sam breathed a sigh of relief. "However," Orli said, "He'll still give me shite, so you owe me a favor."

"What?" Sam replied cautiously.

"I need your computer savvy," Orli replied. "I'm curious about something."

*****

Chapter 2

Dec. 2006

Sean Astin's house was stirring with activity. This was the first big Fellowship reunion in years. For once, there were no schedule conflicts, no last minute emergencies or reshoots -- it was just the nine of them, enjoying drinks, trading stories, and relaxing.

Orli stood up and cleared his throat. "Attention everyone, I'd like to say something." He raised his glass.

Everyone smiled at their brightest star and prepared themselves for a long, babble-filled toast.

"Um, several months ago, our very own Elijah brought something to my attention. So, uh...I decided to do a little investigating."

Viggo raised an eyebrow. "What in hell are you talking about, Elf Boy?"

"You tell me, ojosinfinitos@hotmail.com," Orli said with a grin.

Viggo almost dropped his glass.

"What?" Dom said. "You have a website, too?"

"*All* of you have websites," Orli crowed. "It just took some digging."

"You're full of shite," Bean said. "So Viggo has an e-mail address; that doesn't mean he has a site."

Orli shook his head. "I can prove it!" He bounced over to Sean's computer and frowned when he saw the desktop. "' Lij, could, you, uh...do that thing with the Pearl whatsit?"

Elijah rolled his eyes. "You mean the URL?"

" Yeah, that thing."

"Fine. Give me the address, Orli."

Orli read it off of a piece of paper, and the website popped up. He noticed Viggo trying to make a hasty escape, and he tackled the man. "You're staying right here, filthy human!"

"' Passion in Bloom'?" Elijah squeaked. "Oh my God, this is a BDSM slash archive, and Viggo's e-mail is listed as the webmaster!"

" A what archive?" John asked.

Ian said patiently. "An archive full of fictional stories dealing with male/male relations -- except this one appears to deal with Orlando and Viggo in rather...kinky situations."

"Do I even want to know what a DP means?" Elijah piped up.

"No!" Dom said. His eyes were wide when he looked at Viggo. "Never thought you had it in you, Vig..."

"It's always the quiet ones..." Billy said.

"Oh really? Then what do you have, Bills?"

" None. Orli's taking the piss," Billy said far too quickly. The rest of the Fellowship looked at him with skepticism.

Orli said, "Dom, be a love and sit on Billy for me, would you?" Sure enough, Billy was trying to disappear out of the room, but Dominic caught him easily.

"Elijah, pull up this address..." He dictated the location of another site.

"'Bill the Pony Boy's Archive'?" Elijah said. While Billy was turning new shades of red, everyone else rushed to the computer.

"Hobbit Foot Shaving Fic?" Bean said with amusement.

" Ew!" Elijah said.

John rolled his eyes. "You are all very disturbed men! At least *my* website is normal."

Orli snorted. "Bollocks. Elijah, pull up http://www.gimlisonofsexy.com."

Elijah obeyed, and everyone's eyes grew wide.

"'Bearded Heaven'?" Dom said in a hushed voice. "Oh fuck, it's got Gimli/Gandalf slash."

"And Gimli/Ent slash!" Billy said. He kept reading. " Gimli/Shadowfax? Do I even want to know?"

"I am *so* grossed out," Elijah said. "At least Billy's site stayed within the same species."

John roared, "You have the address wrong, you bloody fool! It's http://www.gimlisonofsexi.com."

Elijah winced, not wanting to subject himself to any more horrors, so Dom shoved him aside and entered in the URL.

Everyone held their breath as the site loaded.
" Gimli/Eowyn ? Boooring," Elijah said, breaking the silence.

"And Gimli/Galadriel, Gimli/Arwen. Shit, there's no sign of a single threesome!" Dom said. "How, um..."

"Pedestrian," Viggo supplied.

"Yeah," Dom agreed.

"Limited," Billy said.

"That, too," Orli said.

"Lame," Elijah offered.

"I've had enough, thank you," John said. "Good night." He retired to the upstairs room.

"Shit! Did we piss him off?" Elijah asked, concerned. "We were only playing around..."

Viggo replied, "He'll be fine. He gets annoyed easily when he's tired, but he'll completely forget about it in the morning."

Orli bounced around. "I *still* have more sites on my list, and I'm not letting anyone sleep until we've hit them all."

Bean rolled his eyes. "I see you're in one of those moods, you little git. Okay, let's get the rest over and done with."

As it turned out, Ian had a site devoted to stories pairing him with every permutation of the Fellowship, Elijah's site consisted of stories of himself with Dom, but Bean's site was the real eye opener.

" Bana-Bloom Sim Slash?" Dom said.

Bean chugged the rest of his drink in silence, trying to avoid eye contact with everyone.

"Sam wouldn't explain it to me, she just kept giggling," Orli replied.

Elijah said, "Um...The Sims is a game where you create people and guide them through their daily lives. You can make them sleep, eat, go to the bathroom..."

Orli's jaw dropped. "And shag, too? God, computer games have gotten really pervy!"

Elijah replied, "They don't fuck, Orli! The Sims is usually PGish, unless you happen to download several hacks, like the nude patch..."

Bean cleared his throat. "Can we get on with this? You still have to find Astin's site."

Orli replied, "That's the weird thing...he doesn't have one."

"WHAT?" Billy said. "That's bloody impossible! We *all* have sites. Well, except for Orli, but he'd probably use the CD drive for a cup holder."

Orli sniffed. "I'll have you know that Sam stopped me."

Everyone laughed uproariously. Blushing, Orli decided to take another pull on his drink. He frowned when he noticed his glass was empty.

Needing the distraction, he walked over to get a refill. "Fuck! You lot drank *everything*!"

Sean A. said, "Hold on, I'll run to the liquor store and restock." He grabbed his keys. "I'll be right back."

"Thanks, man. You're always the good host."

As Sean A.'s car was pulling away, Elijah said, "You know, I bet you $200 that I could find his site."

Orli said, "No way, man! Sam couldn't find it."

"I know some of his in-jokes. Come on, Orli, are you up for it?"

"I am," Viggo replied. "Sam's really smart, and I'm sure she would have found it by now.

"Me too," Dom said, " Astin's way too straight-laced. There's no way that he'd have a site."

A chorus of agreement went through the room, and eventually Orli relented. "But I still think you're full of shite. Sam looked *everywhere*."

Elijah cracked his knuckles. "Yeah, but she's not as geeky as I am. Leave this to the master." He tapped on the keyboard wildly and said, "Voila!" as he clicked on a link.

"Wait, we didn't get to see what the site name was!" Orli replied.

"You'll get to see it again when it comes...EWWW!" Elijah said, his eyes growing big and round when the site loaded.

The rest of the Fellowship gaped. "Um, I guess that's legal," Dom said, grimacing.

"That site is rather...vulgar," Ian added.

" Ummmm..." Billy said.

Viggo said quietly, "We should probably pretend that we never found this."

"Agreed," Ian replied.

Elijah nodded, and proceeded to flush all evidence from his browser. He was finishing up when they heard Sean A. returning.

"I'm back," Sean said, tossing his keys on the table. "Uh, why are you guys all staring at me?"

Orli quickly said, "It's because I'm parched, man! I could really use a drink!" He grabbed the bag of liquor out of Sean's hands and bounced swiftly over to the table, followed by the rest of the Hobbits.

Sean A. shook his head. "Some days, I just don't understand you, Orli."

***

Sean's website was soon forgotten about as the party went into full swing again. As Orli was refilling his drink, he noticed that Viggo was conspicuously absent. Curious, he snuck outside. If Viggo was going to be anywhere, it was probably going to be away from the noise and hubbub. He swallowed nervously. Guess it was now or never.

He wandered into the backyard and noticed his friend sitting near the pool, quietly drinking whiskey.

Viggo smiled at Orli's approach, "Hello, Elf Boy."

Orli gulped and took another pull of liquid courage. "Um, hi."

"Come sit down," Viggo said, patting the area next to him.

"O-okay."

" What's bothering you, Orli?"

"Uh, you're not narked at me, are you? I mean, we're all friends here, and they wouldn't care if you were into kink, not that kink isn't perfectly okay, you know?"

Viggo smiled warmly. "I'm not mad, you silly elf. Now come sit."

Orli tentatively made his way over, feeling as if he were stepping into the lion's den. He sat down, his cheeks flushing as his thighs grazed against Viggo's.

"Something wrong?" Viggo asked. "You've always snuggled up to everyone on set, whether we wanted you to or not."

"Um, uh..." Orli said, wanting the ground to swallow him up. " Iactuallyreadallofthestuffonyoursiteinonego."

"Oh God," Viggo said, putting his head in his hands. "I never meant for you to read some of that..."

"Uh...I liked it," Orli stammered, deciding to go for broke. "A lot."

Startled, Viggo looked up at Orli, staring deep into his eyes. Orli trembled, and wrapped his arms around Viggo's neck, pulling him closer.

"I did. I liked what was posted there," he whispered, his lips a hair's breadth away from Viggo's.

"Really?" Viggo purred, his throaty voice even raspier from the whiskey. "How much?"

Orli licked his dry lips, feeling even more nervous because Viggo was looking at him like he was a tasty, whipped-cream covered dessert. He shook some more, and gasped when he felt Viggo's hand on his thigh. "Um...I had to wank a lot afterward..." His cock swelled, bulging against his trousers. "And I dreamed all week about...stuff," he said, gasping as Viggo's fingers brushed over the lump in his crotch.

"Like what?" Viggo whispered, brushing lips against Orli's.

"Every single fucking kinky thing you had posted...I want you to do them all..." he moaned when Viggo's hand cupped his erection, massaging his oversensitive flesh.

"Tell me, slut," Viggo said throatily. "Tell me what you want." His fingers flexed.

Orli quivered again, that sexy as hell voice was melting his brain. "Please...tie me up....I want you to feed me your cock, or fuck me hard and then snog your come out of my arse..." He gasped when Viggo pinned him to the ground with his arms trapped above his head, grinding a rock-hard erection against his own.

Orlando arched up, moaning as he drowned in a wave of passion. He was helpless in Viggo's strong grasp, and all he could do was surrender to the other man's whims.

Viggo's eyes were glinting with a feral hunger as he stripped all of Orlando's clothing off. The night was cool, but Orli didn't notice -- his entire body was on fire, burning with need.

"Arms behind your back," Viggo said, and Orli meekly complied. Grinning evilly, Viggo pulled his belt out of the loops on his jeans and tied it around Orli's wrists. He then knelt on the ground and unzipped his fly, freeing his erection.

He smiled when Orli's eyes widened at the size of his cock. "See something you like?" Viggo purred, retrieving a small sachet of lube from his jeans pocket. He opened it, and smeared the gel on himself.

"Come here," he said in a harsh voice. With a shiver, Orlando walked over, his knees turning to jelly. Viggo was patting his lap, and Orli obediently sat down, facing that piercing blue gaze.
Viggo cradled Orli's arse in his hands, kneading the firm cheeks gently, his cock grazing Orli's entrance.

Orlando moaned, " Vig...please...fuck me. I need to feel your cock."

"Impatient slut," Viggo growled, before he impaled Orlando in one swift move.

"FUCK!" Orlando cried out, writhing in Viggo's grasp.

"You'll be screaming my name by the time I'm done with you," Viggo said before he started thrusting upward, his strokes hard and unrelenting. Orlando wailed with each roll of Viggo's hips, losing himself in the sensation washing through his every nerve.

A tongue suddenly lapped at the base of Orlando's spine and he squeaked in surprise. What in the fuck??? There's no way Viggo could reach around there...

He swiveled his head around, and his jaw dropped. Sean Bean was kneeling behind his arse, wearing nothing but a wicked smile and a sinful glint in his eye.

"What are you doing?" Orli said.

"I saw the little party here and just had to join," Sean replied.

"But..."

"Quiet," Viggo barked as he jabbed Orli's prostate.

" Shite..." Orli moaned. The two of them were destroying his sanity -- Viggo's hard cock fucking him to within a millimeter of his life, Sean's tongue lashing around the top of his crack.

Orli felt Sean sliding down, and he mewled when a wet tongue started licking his entrance, tracing over the area where he and Viggo were joined.

"Oh Christ... fuck..." Orli said, "More..." He was dissolving, losing himself as the two men assaulted his senses.

"You're too noisy," Viggo muttered. He pulled out, ignoring Orli's whine of protest. "Sean, make sure that no one hears."

Nodding, Sean turned Orlando over, so that Orli was on his knees. He tugged Orli forward, supporting the slender body easily in his hands, and keeping Orlando from tumbling to the ground.

He nudged his hard erection at Orli's lips, and Orlando opened gratefully, swallowing Sean to the hilt. He moaned around the hard flesh in his mouth, and began to suckle eagerly.

He whimpered when Viggo slid inside him again. "Oh yeah, you love that, don't you? Being fucked from both ends?"

His mouth full, Orli nodded frantically; loving the musky, salty taste of Sean's cock, quivering as each of Viggo's pounding thrusts sank so deeply into him that he felt like he was being pierced from stem to stern. He moaned as he was breeched, the vibrations from his cries making Sean gasp in reaction. He had no leverage in his position, and he could only whimper helplessly as Viggo's cock drove him mad, keeping him on the brink of orgasm.

Unable to take any more, he pulled his mouth off Sean's erection and begged, " Viggo, please! Please let me come!"

"What will you do for me?" Viggo replied, jabbing Orli again.

"Fuck! Anything!"

"What if I had Sean come on your face?"

"Oh hell, yes," Orli moaned at the delicious images now tumbling through his brain. He squeezed Viggo reflexively. "Please...mark me...use me as you want."

Viggo panted harder at Orli's words. "I want you to come, Viggo," Orli cooed, "Want to have you fill me until your spunk is coming out of my hole."

"Shit.... Orli!" Viggo cried out before he slammed forward one final time, burying himself deep in the tight channel as he climaxed.

Orlando moaned as he felt hot liquid splashing inside of him. Viggo thrust into him twice more, and then pulled out.

Orli was about to protest when Sean grabbed his hair. "Now that Viggo's done, pay attention to me, you slag," he growled. He pushed his cock into Orli's parted mouth, hissing as Orlando devoured his entire length.

"Christ, you're a born cocksucker," Sean said, tightening his grip on Orli before he started thrusting.

Orli whimpered and pressed his tongue along the underside of Sean's cock. The vibrations from his soft cries caused an answering tremor in Sean's body.

"Fuck!" Sean rasped, "You're going to make me come if you keep doing that."

Orli was about to smile when he felt his arse cheeks being parted. Before his brain could register what was happening, he was stabbed to the core by a hot, wet tongue.

He shrieked as Viggo began lapping eagerly, slurping up their mingled tastes. Orli's muffled keens caused Sean to gasp out loud, and the other man starting rocking his hips, plunging deep into Orli's throat. Viggo continued to swipe his tongue around, driving Orlando insane. He writhed in Sean's grasp, crying out with need.

"God, I'm close..." Sean moaned, pulling out of Orli's mouth. He shifted a hand and wrapped it around his cock, pumping rapidly.

Orli groaned, "Oh yeah...give it to me, Sean..." His lips parted eagerly. " Do it...let me feel your spunk."

" Orli !" Sean cried out, his cock jerking as he splattered Orlando's cheeks, lips, and chin with pearly fluid.

Viggo moved his hand forward and grabbed Orli's throbbing cock. The firm touch sent Orli over the edge and he screamed, thrusting mindlessly into Viggo's fist, coating the fingers with his release.

While Orli was still trembling, Sean eased him onto his back. Viggo flopped down opposite of Sean and leaned in for a passionate kiss. When they parted, Sean sucked Viggo's wet fingers clean.

Orli moaned, shifting a bit at the sight. Viggo murmured, "We're ignoring the elf," and Sean nodded.

Sean and Viggo immediately pounced on Orli, rendering him into a quivering heap when the both of them started cleaning off his cheeks with broad swipes of their tongues.

They met each other in the middle, kissing each other deeply, tongues scouring each other's mouths. Orli held his breath as he watched them, finally letting it out when they parted.

"Fuck, you lot are going to kill me," he groaned.

Viggo grinned as he untied Orli's wrists. "We've only scratched the surface."

"I'll say!" Orli blurted out, "I thought I'd get two cocks in my arse tonight!"

"What?" Sean said.

"Um, I, uh...really liked the DP story. It was like...um, my favorite." He blushed furiously.

Viggo purred, "Why don't we retire to my place and discuss it?"

"Sounds great," Orli replied.

***

Many, many hours later, Orli peeled himself out of Viggo's large bed, trying not to wake his two new lovers. His arse was sore as hell, but he felt energized from the sexual marathon that he had just been through. Energized and hungry, that is.

As he padded into the kitchen, he frowned. He was wide awake and bored, but he didn't want to disturb Viggo and Sean by clattering around.

Wandering over to Viggo's desk, he noticed that the laptop had been powered up.

"Christ, Vig won't mind," he said, clicking around randomly. Somehow, he managed to find himself opening a folder. "And I didn't even erase any files this time," he said to himself.

He smiled when he saw the contents. He recognized the titles from Viggo's website. Near the bottom, however, was another folder, marked "mine".

Shrugging, Orli opened it and double-clicked on the first file. He recognized the style almost immediately. "Oh Christ, look's like Viggo tried his hand at writing."

He shook his head, and was glad that the story was never posted. He wasn't sure if anyone had the tolerance to read a 20 page existential rambling monologue about the beauty of his cock.

The rest were equally odd, and Orli muttered, "There's got to be some better porn to read." He decided to check around some more, so he continued on his random clicking spree.

Eventually, a colorful page popped up, and Orli's jaw dropped. It was the main page for "Bearded Heaven".

"What the fuck???" Orli said.

"John's page was really unremarkable, so I started this one as a joke," Viggo answered from behind him.

Orli squawked and jumped three feet into the air. "Shit! Why is *everyone* sneaking up on me?"

"Because you're oblivious," Sean said from Orli's side.

"Fuck!" Orli yelled before he tackled Sean to the ground. "Bugger off and quit taking the piss!"

Sean laughed. " Oi! Is that any way to treat the author of your favorite story?"

"What?"

" The DP story? I wrote that. Hell, don't tell me that you thought Viggo did it?"

" Um...no. Not after what I found in his folder."

Viggo growled, "Like you can do any better."

"I'm sure I can, man!"

"Fine," Viggo said gruffly. "Make a contribution to my Gimli site."

"You're on, man. I already have an idea of how to surpass what you have archived there."

" Really?" Sean said. "There's some really pervy stuff on that site. I doubt you can outdo these lasses."

Orli said casually, "Right. Let's see someone else write Gimli/Gwaihir/Gollum."

"Oh God, you wouldn't!" Sean said.

"*Never* give me a dare," Orli replied smugly. He grinned from ear to ear as the plot started forming in his brain. Oh yeah, he was going to have fun with this one.

*****

THE END

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to: Lostiawen