Posted: December 2003
Title: DNA Lollipop
Author: Lostiawen and Salix
Type: RPS
Rating: R just to be safe, but it's more PG-13ish
Characters: VM/OB (uh, sorta) OB/DM (again, sorta)
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, none of this really happened. The author is not associated with or is implying anything about the sexual preferences or the lives of the people depicted within. The concepts used from "Jurassic Park" are the property of Michael Crichton and Universal Pictures. The author does not own and is not making a profit from them.
Beta: Elizabeth
Warnings : Total AU crack!fic. Please, put your liquids away before reading and go to the bathroom. We mean it. And read the author's notes, first.
Author's Notes: Okay, what happened was that Viggo had given Orli a lollipop with a cricket inside of it before he went to do his interview with "The Edge" radio show in NZ.
Orli never finished the lollipop, and one of the DJs put it in a plastic bag. It was then put up for auction with the blurb : "It has Orli's DNA on it!" (the scary thing was that the last bid for it for $330, I kid you not.) Well, this reminded Salix of Jurassic Park and we started chatting, and then this fic was born. Yes, we're weird and insane. Thank you.
Many thanks to Peony to giving us the pointer to the lollipop! This fic wouldn't have been possible without it!

Summary: Some things are best left alone.

*****

"There it is, Karl, Isla Nublar," Hugo said above the roar of the helicopter.

"Damnit, you'd think they'd learn their lesson this time. This is the fucking fourth investigation we've launched against InGen," Karl grumbled.

Hugo nodded and found a safe area to land. He and Karl carefully got out of the helicopter stiffly, hampered slightly by their heavy body armor. They shouldered their extremely large guns, and cautiously made their way towards InGen's main facility.
The dinosaurs had apparently escaped, and Karl shivered as he saw the tracks.

"That's odd," Hugo said, "*none* of these tracks look like anything I've seen before.

"Hmmm, new experiment?"

"Yeah, looks like they trashed all of the old ones."

The silence was deafening as they approached the ruined facility. Karl whistled. Something had really done a number on this place. Massive holes had been torn through the walls and there were curious traces of slime everywhere. Much of the equipment had been trampled.

Hugo carefully examined the damage. "Shit. What in the *hell* happened here?"

Karl turned over a shattered piece of equipment and uncovered a scattered sheaf of printouts. A header caught his eye.

"Hugo!" he said, gesturing towards it. He swung up his gun to cover the entrance while
Hugo picked it up.

"Looks like an official report..." Hugo mused, scanning it. "Shit, you struck gold, Karl."

"Well, read it to me, then. What happened?"

Clearing his throat, Hugo started...

~*

FINAL REPORT: Study Results for Project Squee
InGen Corporation
Isla Nublar, Costa Rica

SPECIES: DINOSAURUS ORLIUS BADDUS SHIRTTUS

COMMON NAME : Orliosaur

Abstract: Due to the recent failure of InGen's stock and general loss of marketing power, this project was created with two goals: to produce a specimen that could be safely presented to the public without the risks associated with our other species; and to generate positive mass appeal.

Introduction: Given the previous failures in cloning, our team theorized that combining DNA from a human being with one or more of our other specimens would create a more controllable (and attractive) final product.

Given the need to appeal to the huge marketing segment of females aged 14-35, Orlando Bloom was selected as the donor.

Methods: The "Lickit Cricket" lollipop was acquired from Mr. Bloom's interview on the Edge radio show. DNA was extracted from his saliva and combined with existing samples from Velociraptors and the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Several eggs of variegated colors were generated, and were incubated for 6 months.

Results: The specimens that successfully hatched were upright, lithe, and 2.44 meters in height. They also had long arms and legs; a lean, springy body, not as heavy as the Viggosaur (see Project Swoon), attractive orange plaid hides, slightly ruffled folds of flesh down the midsection (terminating at midriff level), and an intriguing blue frill coiled around the neck.

The frill was oddly shaped and has been informally named "the mutant half-tie".

Each specimen also has round, yellowish markings on the lower abdomen, almost in a solar-shaped pattern; certain others have an unusually intricate marking on the wrist, but the staff was unable to examine it closely without tranquilizing a subject.

99% of the specimens have brown eyes, although a blue mutation appeared in our sample group. It is theorized that this is an uncommon occurrence.

General Behavior: The Orliosaurs will need to be confined to a flat plain, as they exhibit the disturbing tendency of launching themselves from cliffs after coiling vines around their legs. They are also quite clumsy, and appear prone to tripping over their own feet when they aren't trampling the undergrowth.

Unlike most reptiles, they sprint as their normal mode of travel, rather than conserving energy and moving slowly. They are partially warm-blooded, so lack of sunlight is not a problem.

Orliosaurs are quite friendly. Unfortunately, their affability dictates that extra precautions will be needed to handle them from the male staff. They tend to launch themselves at humans and excessively nuzzle them for prolonged periods of time. (c.f. attack snogging) While this is not a problem in itself, the excessive salivation can be overwhelming.

Initial attempts to breed them indicate that they have a preference for Viggosaurs. As they approach, they indicate their readiness by making loud purring noises and widening their eyes.

At the height of excitement, the mutant half-tie unfurls, and the Viggosaur will promptly mount them. (Note: No Orliosaur has ever done the mounting. This bears further investigation.)

Unfortunately, this mating behavior is entirely inappropriate: initial attempts were made to pair an Orliosaur with a Kateraptor, but the Orliosaur was completely uninterested. A Dominicus Rex promptly distracted the subject and both specimens proceeded to touch mouths intimately for a prolonged period of time. (c.f. snogging)

Still, after exhaustive attempts, it has been found that Orliosaurs can be trained to politely nuzzle Kateraptors for short periods of time. See Dr. Robin Baum for exact methodology. However, Orliosaurs appear to be extremely uncomfortable with this forced behavior.

Conclusion: Orliosaurs appear to be a quite viable product. However, it is the strict opinion of this team that they should be allowed to mate with specimens of their choice as the long term effects of forced training could be harmful, and could possibly result in the destruction of this facility.

*~

"...in the destruction of this facility," Hugo concluded.

"Shit! I knew it! They didn't listen to the staff, so the Orliosaurs went berserk! They attack snogged everything until only dust particles were left!"

Hugo nodded. "We need to circle around and make sure they didn't get off the island."

*thump*

Karl said, "Hugo..."

*thump*

Hugo quirked an eyebrow.

"What's that noise?"

*THUMP*

*****

THE END

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