Posted: January 2004
Title: The Slashers' Guide to Return of the King
Author: Lanna Michaels
Type: FCS
Rating: PG-13
Characters: All (in order of appearance, Smeagol/Deagol, Frodo/Sam, Merry/Pippin, Aragorn/Boromir, Eomer/Aragorn, Gollum/Frodo, Legolas/Aragorn, Elrond/Aragorn, Pippin/Merry/Boromir, Gandalf/Denethor, Witchking/Gandalf, Faramir/Boromir, Eowyn/Arwen, Gimli/Legolas, Denethor/Faramir, Witchking/Theoden, Aragorn/Sauron, Fellowship/Frodo, Glorfindel/Elrond, Elrond/Celeborn, Sam/Merry/Pippin)
Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Tolkien. A good portion of the lines belong to Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh, and Philippa Boyens. Others were lifted from Monty Python, Star Wars, The Sixth Sense, and The Simpsons. The limerick is original. I make no money from this. Statement made to save one's own ass: I've only seen ROTK three times, so I've undoubtedly missed things. Some of my notes were out of order and so some scenes might not be in exact chronological order.
Warnings: Numerous cheap shots. Crude humor. References to bondage. References to character death. C'mon, people, this is humor
Spoilers: Um. Yes.
A/N: Love to Zillah975, Luna, and Ashinae who saw this in various stages of completeness and didn't tell me to scrap it.
Summary: All a slasher ever needed to know about Return of the King, but didn't want to.

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SCENE I: SMEAGOL AND DEAGOL ARE FISHING

SMEAGOL: Catch anything yet, my love?

DEAGOL: Just this ring, precious.

SMEAGOL: *sighs happily*

DEAGOL: No, the ring, you dolt.

SMEAGOL: Why you little -- *strangles him*

DEAGOL: *dies*

SMEAGOL: Such a pretty birthday present. *puts on ring, disappears*

SCENE II: SMEAGOL NARRATING OVER HIS TRANSFORMATION

SMEAGOL: They cast us out. Faggot, they called us. Kinky deranged faggot. And we forgot the taste of cock, the feel of a fucking, the consistency of lubricant. But, on the upside, no one looks at us strangely when we go around stark naked. Yes, precious, yes!

SCENE III: FRODO AND SAM WAKE UP

FRODO: Aren't you going to eat anything?

SAM: I'm not hungry. 'Least...not for lembas bread.

FRODO: Oh, Sam.

SAM: Please?

FRODO: Not in front of Gollum.

SAM: Bugger.

SCENE IV: ARAGORN and CO. APPROACH ISENGARD

PIPPIN: This pipe I'm smoking is sexually suggestive.

MERRY: As is mine.

GIMLI: As is my grouching when I see them sitting around and smoking rather than boinging each other.

ARAGORN: Can we move on? Pippin needs to find his sex toy.

SCENE V: MEDUSELD PARTY

THEODEN: Hail the victorious dead!

ARAGORN: They aren't victorious if they're...never mind. I'm just grouchy because I'm missing Boromir.

EOMER: Can I blow you?

ARAGORN: Um. No.

EOMER: You're no fun.

ARAGORN: I'll just take this drink your sister is offering me.

EOWYN: *swoon*

THEODEN: You could do better.

EOMER: But he's going to be the king of men.

THEODEN: I meant your sister.

EOMER: You're also no fun.

SCENE VI: LATER AT THE PARTY

PIPPIN: There once was a man from Nantucket-

MERRY: Who really knew how to suck it-

PIPPIN: The constable came nigh-

MERRY: With his dick really high-

PIPPIN: And said the donkey...

MERRY and PIPPIN: Fuck it!

AUDIENCE: *laughs*

GANDALF: Hobbits. Too bad Frodo's dead.

ARAGORN: What does your heart tell you?

GANDALF: That we've suddenly morphed into The Phantom Menace.

ARAGORN: Curious.

SCENE VII: ON THE ROAD TO MORDOR

GOLLUM: It's mine, I mean ours, I mean ours...yes, precious, yes.

SAM: Now I have to kill you in a jealous rage.

GOLLUM: You're fat. I'm skinny. Therefore, I'm better than you.

FRODO: I love you, Smeagol. Come.

GOLLUM: *over shoulder* Lose some weight!

SCENE VIII: BACK IN EDORAS

LEGOLAS: I want you to ravish me.

ARAGORN: ...Wait, isn't that Sauron? *runs off*

LEGOLAS: Curses. Foiled again.

PIPPIN: I saw a white tree in flames. And the Eye.

GANDALF: Seven stars and seven stones and one white tree.

PIPPIN: What?

GANDALF: I like being cryptic. It diverts attention from how out of character I am in this film.

SCENE IX: COUNCIL AT MEDUSELD

GANDALF: Pippin wasn't lying. All sex toys are half off.

THEODEN: All the more reason to defend our Borders from Sauron. And our Barnes and Noble.

GANDALF: He knows the Heir of Elendil is back and he'll do everything he can to stop it.

ARAGORN: Wonderful. Make this all my fault.

THEODEN: I still don't see why we should help those who didn't help us.

ARAGORN: Um...hello? Over here? Rightful king of Gondor?

SCENE X: BY THE STABLES OF EDORAS

MERRY: Why did you look? Why do you always have to look?

PIPPIN: I thought you liked that I was a voyeur.

MERRY: Oh, go fuck Faramir.

PIPPIN: You don't mean that, do you, Merry?

MERRY: Of course I do. *hands him a package* You smoke too much.

PIPPIN: See if I ever blow you again.

SCENE XI: ON THE ROAD TO THE GREY HAVENS

ARWEN: Oh, look, my son.

ELROND: What the fuck? Since when do you see visions? *pause* Damn, Aragorn ages well.

ARWEN: Ada!

SCENE XII: MINAS TIRITH, AT LAST

GANDALF: Minas Tirith, city of kings. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

PIPPIN: So I shouldn't tell him about the time me and Merry caught Boromir unawares and-

GANDALF: Most certainly not.

DENETHOR: Have you come to tell me that my son is dead, or have you come to supplant me?

GANDALF: You're just a steward.

DENETHOR: That's not what you said last night.

SCENE XIII: IN MINAS MORGUL

ORC: And what of the Wizard?

WITCHKING: I will break him.

ORC: Kinky.

SCENE XIV: SHORE OF OSGILIATH

FARAMIR: *all breathless, back to the wall* The audience just had a spontaneous simultaneous orgasm. Damn, am I hot.

SCENE XV: IN THE SPIRIT OF BRAVE SIR ROBIN, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY

GANDALF: Isn't my Nazgul-be-gone something awesome?

FARAMIR: Frodo?

PIPPIN: You've fucked Frodo and Sam!

FARAMIR: Erm.

GANDALF: Faramir, tell me everything.

SCENE XVI: IN THE THRONE ROOM

PIPPIN: I swear fealty and service to Gondor. This does not include blowjobs.

DENETHOR: Good. Now kiss my ring, and watch me glare at Faramir.

FARAMIR: I loved my brother.

DENETHOR: Yes, we know. Some times twice a night.

FARAMIR: So you wish I was dead?

DENETHOR: Not in so many words, but yes.

FARAMIR: Crap. Now I must die. Oh, well. At least I'll be able to fuck Boromir in the afterlife.

DENETHOR: That's the spirit.

SCENE XVII: ON THE STAIR

GOLLUM: Must have master all to myself! *accidentally wakes up Sam*

SAM: What were you doing?

GOLLUM: *looks innocent* Wanking.

SAM: Now, Smeagol, you know Mr. Frodo doesn't like when you do that.

GOLLUM: Master won't know. Smeagol has good recovery time.

SAM: Blast it.

FRODO: Sam, go home. Since I've lost all this weight, I need someone more proportional.

SAM: *starts crying*

FRODO: There, there. It'll be alright.

SAM: Will it?

FRODO: On second thought, no. But you can have a nice "fuck you" in parting.

SAM: *wails*

GOLLUM: Told you!

SCENE XVIII: PIPPIN STARTS A FIRE

GUARD: The beacon of Amon Din is lit!

DENETHOR: Oh, phooey. Now I can't have a dramatic death in combat like my son did.

GUARD: Erm...

DENETHOR: Dammit, why can everyone fuck Boromir but me?!!

SCENE XIX: MEANWHILE, BACK IN EDORAS

ARAGORN: Gondor calls for aid!

[long pause]

THEODEN: And Rohan will answer.

ARAGORN: Finally.

THEODEN: Somebody better blow me for this.

SCENE XX: FARAMIR and CO. RIDE THROUGH THE STREETS OF MINAS TIRITH

GANDALF: Disobey orders in front of a huge crowd.

FARAMIR: Where does my allegiance lie if not here?

GANDALF: Good point. But if you die, Aragorn won't have a fuckboy.

FARAMIR: Tell him to try Eomer.

SCENE XXI: BACK IN THE CITADEL

DENETHOR: So, I hear you're really talented with your mouth.

PIPPIN: You're an evil man who sent both his sons to die.

DENETHOR: Sing for me anyway.

PIPPIN: *grumbles* I really don't want to fuck you now.

FARAMIR: *dying scream* BOROMIR!

SCENE XXII: BY DUNHARROW

LEGOLAS: The horses are restless. The men are quiet.

EOMER: See that path? Bad place. All who go into it come out straight.

ARAGORN: *looks like one who the dead call*

EOMER: It's evil, darling. Don't go there.

SCENE XXIII: IN THEODEN'S TENT

ELROND: *takes down hood*

ARAGORN: Daddy!

ELROND: I come on behalf of one I love.

ARAGORN: *blushes* Thank you.

ELROND: I meant my daughter, you dolt.

ARAGORN: Damn. And seeing as how you just invoked my dead mother, I can't refuse this quest.

ELROND: Nope.

ARAGORN: Well, at least I got a nice phallic symbol out of it.

SCENE XXIV: OUTSIDE THE TENT

ARAGORN: Get a life, Eowyn.

EOWYN: But-but...

ARAGORN: I cannot give you what you seek. But, listen, Lord Elrond is around here somewhere. He has a nice daughter.

EOWYN: Um...

ARAGORN: Besides, your brother is girlier than you.

SCENE XXV: BY THE DOOR INTO THE MOUNTAIN

GIMLI: So, dead, huh?

LEGOLAS: They swore an oath to Isildur, who actually wasn't the last king of Gondor, to serve him. When they discovered how much of a pervert he was, they ran and hid. Only Isildur's Heir can fuck them.

ARAGORN: Besides, I don't fear death.

LEGOLAS: *lustful gaze*

SCENE XXVI: INSIDE THE MOUTAIN

KING OF THE DEAD: That blade was broken!

ARAGORN: Nyah.

KING OF THE DEAD: I hate phallic symbols.

SCENE XXVII: FARAMIR IS DRAGGED INTO THE CITY

DENETHOR: My son is dead!

FARAMIR: Uggghhh...

DENETHOR: Oh, Faramir, you shall not have died in vain!

FARAMIR: But I'm not dead yet.

DENETHOR: Then you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!

FARAMIR: No, I'm really quite alright. Oh, bugger it all. Where's Aragorn? I need someone to kiss me.

SCENE XXVIII: IN SHELOB'S LAIR

GOLLUM: Heigh ho, to the lair I go, to fill my heart and get my Ring...

FRODO: It's sticky! What is it?

GOLLUM: The semen of a thousand...never mind. You'll see. Shelob's a bit of a dominatrix, yes, precious.

FRODO: Who's Shelob?

GOLLUM: Oops.

SCENE XXIX: JUST PAST SHELOB'S LAIR

SAM: Mr. Frodo? Mr. Frodo? No! Don't go where I can't follow!

FRODO: *groans*

SAM: If that's the way you feel about it, I'll just take your nice ring as souvenir. Hope you don't mind. *runs and hides*

VARIOUS ORCS: Don't worry, he's not dead.

SAM: *gleefully writing on all the walls* Frodo lives!

SCENE XXX: IN THE HOUSE OF THE STEWARDS ON THE SILENT STREET

DENETHOR: Faramir, you look delicious all soaked with sweat. Bet you'd taste better doused in oil. Hell, so would I.

FARAMIR: *groans*

DENETHOR: *burning* Faramir?

FARAMIR: No, Boromir, not here, Daddy will see...

DENETHOR: Why you little!

GANDALF: Stop!

DENETHOR: You will not take my son from me! Faramir, I love you! *jumps to his fiery death*

GANDALF: Pathetic.

SCENE XXXI: ON THE FIELD OF BATTLE

WITCHKING: Feast on his flesh...

THEODEN: Why does everyone want to blow me? Am I really that irresistible? Wait a moment. Eowyn?

EOWYN: I am not a man.

THEODEN: No shit. If you were, Aragorn would've fucked you by now.

SCENE XXXII: ON THE SHORE OF THE ANDUIN

ARAGORN: *jumps off boat. This is his hero shot* Damn, am I hot. The audience just had another spontaneous orgasm.

GIMLI: There's plenty for the both of us.

LEGOLAS: I don't know. Elven stamina is pretty dependable.

OATHBREAKERS: *running everywhere*

ARAGORN: I love my harem.

SCENE XXXIII: LEGOLAS KILLS HUGE CGI MUMAKIL

LEGOLAS: I know stupid elf tricks.

GIMLI: It still only counts as one.

ARAGORN: I see dead people.

GIMLI: And you'll be one of them if you don't stop hitting on my elf.

LEGOLAS: Oh, Gimli. *swoon*

SCENE XXXIV: ONCE THE BATTLE IS OVER

KING OF THE DEAD: Release us. Now.

ARAGORN: Oh, all right. *takes off cockring* Be at peace.

OATHBREAKERS: *dissolves*

PIPPIN: Merry!

MERRY: Pippin! I knew you'd find me. And are you going to leave me?

PIPPIN: No, Merry. I'm going to look after you.

MERRY: I love you, too.

SCENE XXXV: IN MORDOR

FRODO: You can see my boxers. Oh, this is so erotic. I wonder if I can whore my way out of here. Then again, maybe they could use a good whore. Helps take care of tension. Where's Sam? He'd make a good whore.

ORC: Quiet, you scum.

SAM: *killing things* That's for Frodo! And that's for the Shire!

FRODO: Bound. Naked. Helpless. Sam! Oh, Sam, I'm so sorry for everything.

SAM: You're forgiven. Let's get you into some clothes. You can't go walking through Mordor in naught but your skin, erotic as it may be.

FRODO: You say the sweetest things.

SCENE XXXVI: THE LAST DEBATE

ARAGORN: If Sauron had the Ring we would know it. I'd already be his sex slave, as would Eomer and Legolas. Gimli, not so much.

GANDALF: There's still hope. Skimpy clothes are half off.

GIMLI: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's make for the Boutiques of Barad-dur!

SCENE XXXVII: ON THE RIDE TO THE BLACK GATE

EOMER: You don't clean up well.

ARAGORN: But you'll still blow me?

EOMER: Of course. Hey, sire, since when is the Eye of Sauron a searchlight?

ARAGORN: Bite me.

EOMER: Gladly.

SCENE XXXVIII: THE LONG WALK ACROSS GORGOROTH

FRODO: I'm thirsty.

SAM: Here, take my waterskin. I came in it this morning.

FRODO: Then there'll be nothing left for the return journey.

SAM: It's ok. We're both still young.

SCENE XXXIX: BY THE BLACK GATE

LEGOLAS: Aragorn, are you sure this is a good idea?

ARAGORN: No.

GIMLI: You know, I bet an army of the dead would have been really useful right about now. Never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an elf.

LEGOLAS: What about side by side with a friend?

GIMLI: Friend with benefits.

LEGOLAS: Exactly.

SCENE XL: ON THE SLOPES OF ORODRUIN

SAM: Do you remember the taste of strawberries, Mr. Frodo?

FRODO: No, Sam, nor the feeling of groping, naked in the dark.

SAM: Oh, shite. Come on, Mr. Frodo, let's finish this so we can give you ample opportunities to remember. Look, we're almost there.

GOLLUM: Clever hobbitses, to have climbed so high.

SAM: Meep.

SCENE XLI: BACK BY THE BLACK GATE

SAURON: Aragorn.....Elessar...

ARAGORN: I am called to my master! I must go!

EOMER: *heartbroken* Bobo?

ARAGORN: *melts* Oh, all right. For Frodo.

EOMER: *blows him*

SCENE XLII: BY THE CRACKS OF DOOM

FRODO: It's done.

SAM: Yes, Mr. Frodo, it's over now and I have you all to myself.

FRODO: Can we go home now?

SAM: Probably not. I'm glad to die here with you. But, damn, I miss Rosie.

FRODO: WHAT? You lying bitch!

SAM: Erm. Oh, wait, look, Eagles!

SCENE XLIII: IN THE HOUSES OF HEALING

FRODO: Gandalf! Merry! Pippin! Hey, that was my nipple.

PIPPIN: We know.

GIMLI: Can I get in on the orgy?

LEGOLAS: And me?

ARAGORN: And me?

SAM: And don't forget me!

FRODO: Oh, Sam.

GANDALF: Hobbits.

SCENE XLIV: ARAGORN'S CORONATION (FINALLY)

ARAGORN: This day does not belong to one man, that is, Boromir. Oh, Boromir! *breaks out into song*

FARAMIR: *clapping* I look like I just orgasmed. Which I did.

EOWYN: Oh, Faramir.

ARWEN: I came. And you're still mourning Boromir.

ARAGORN: But it doesn't matter, because you're mine now. All mine! MWHAHAHA!

ARWEN: Shut up and kiss me.

GLORFINDEL: Don't think of it as losing a daughter; think of it as gaining a son. Oh, right.

ELROND: Yeah. Exactly. But you still love me, don't you, Glory?

GLORFINDEL: Yep.

EOMER: *sniffs* Now I'll never get to blow Aragorn.

SCENE XLV: BACK IN THE SHIRE

FRODO: Here's to surviving.

MERRY and PIPPIN: *make eyes at each other*

SAM: Um. Excuse me.

PIPPIN: *catches bouquet* Merry, will you marry me?

SCENE XLVI: ON THE ROAD TO THE GREY HAVENS

BILBO: Frodo, lad, whatever happened to that old cockring of mine?

FRODO: I'm sorry, uncle. I'm wearing it. Would you like to see it?

BILBO: No, that's quite all right. I was just wondering.

SCENE XLVII: AT THE HARBOR

ELROND: The sea calls us home.

CELEBORN: Yes. As soon as we're out of sight, I'm going to throw Galadriel to the fishes and then ravish Elrond on the deck.

GANDALF: Coming, Frodo?

FRODO: Oh, Sam. For the longest time, my only ambition was to keep you barefoot and pregnant in my little hobbit hole. Then I realized we were both male. I'll miss our hobbit orgies.

SAM: But, Mr. Frodo!

FRODO: *kisses him* *leaves*

PIPPIN: I think I need a hobbit orgy to cheer me up.

MERRY: Me, too.

SAM: Me, three. Let's go.

Roll credits. Slashers amuse themselves analyzing the juxtaposition of Faramir and Eomer in the credits, as well as the small circle Gimli makes with his fingertips.

*****

THE END

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