Well, Actually, I'm A Friar

Posted: November 2004
Title: Well, Actually, I'm A Friar
Author: LadyHawksShadow
Fandom: Van Helsing
Type: FCS
Characters: Van Helsing/Carl
Rating: R
Warnings: m/m slash
Beta: Alex_Cat
Disclaimer: I should be so lucky! The plot is mine, the characters are not.
Timeline: AU
Author's Note: I thought this line was so funny that I just had to write something about it. Besides, I'm a huge Wenham fan.

Summary: Van Helsing and Carl travel to Transylvania.


Carl lay on his back, arms and legs splayed, and snored lightly as he rocked from side to side with the ship's motion. The ends of his nightcap dangled beside his ear, where his straight blond hair stuck out. The brown wool habit rose around his thighs, exposing two of the boniest legs Van Helsing ever saw. And one of the most prestigious erections, as well.

Van Helsing came into contact with all manners of men and monsters in his career, hell, for that matter, his unnaturally long life. He'd seen men that became animals. Animals that became men. Sometimes he'd found men who couldn't be seen at all. All of them were, more or less, anatomically proportionate.

Carl seemed to be the exception to the rule. Van Helsing grunted at his surprise. The man was a monk, for heaven's sakes. It wasn't like he used it for anything. Pity, thought Van Helsing with his own little sense of unease. Too many long nights spent in the company of non-humans, he mused. Well, maybe not exactly the truth.

Carl gurgled happily in his sleep and Van Helsing's mouth curled just a bit at the corners and the fine lines around his eyes crinkled. Probably dreaming of unstable chemicals, he thought of Carl as he turned over.

The wooden floor beneath him was hard and cold and he huddled more closely under his blanket and tried to sleep. But he couldn't stop thinking of Carl, those ridiculously skinny legs, nor his penis peaking nonchalantly from beneath those hideous robes. Van Helsing firmly squeezed his eyes shut. He's a monk, he muttered to himself.

"Well, actually, I'm a friar."

"What?" Van Helsing sat up and peered around in the darkness. Had Carl read his mind? He glanced towards the monk. No, the absent minded monk still lay on his back, mouth parted slightly, snoring softly. Then he remembered Rome when Carl let slip a curse as they packed their gear. He must have dreamed it. I could kiss him. Van Helsing smiled grimly. Wonder how many Hail Mary's that would cost him? He was in enough hot water with the Order as it was. He lay back down, keeping his back to Carl.

The ship pitched and rolled and suddenly Van Helsing felt Carl slam against him. The erection pressed Van Helsing in the back and he resisted the urge to squirm. "Carl," he hissed.

Carl snorted in his ear, blowing fine dark hair against Van Helsing's cheek. He tossed one leg over Van Helsing's thighs.

"Damn." Van Helsing rolled over, prepared to shake the monk awake. As he did so, Carl's penis rubbed against his own tight breeches and Van Helsing bit his lip. "Damn," he said again.

Just then, Carl's eyes cracked open and he gave Van Helsing a blank stare. "What are you doing here?" He asked after a moment.

Van Helsing sighed. "Trying to sleep."

"Then why don't you?" Carl made no attempt to move and seemed completely unaware of his exposed sexual state.

"I can't."

"Well, why ever—" Carl realized that his leg was atop Van Helsing's. He also realized his cock, stiff and dripping, brushed against the tight leather pants. "I see." He also realized that Van Helsing had problems of his own.

"Do you think you could move?"

Carl looked startled for a moment, as if he'd come across some new chemical compound that he did not quite know the uses of. "Well, certainly." He moved.

Van Helsing stiffened as Carl ground against him. "What are you doing?" He gasped. Part of him wanted to rip open his breeches so that they could touch skin to skin. The other part of him wanted to throw Carl into the ocean.

"You asked me to move," mumbled Carl. "Am I doing something wrong?"

"You are a monk!" Van Helsing snapped, his voice cracking a bit.

"Well, no, actually, I'm a friar. Remember?"

Van Helsing grabbed a fistful of Carl's habit. "Keep that up and you'll be a defrocked friar."

"Interesting." Carl responded. "Quite a sensation," he added as he moved his hips a few more times. "The friction greatly increases the level of heat in my..er..lower extremity."

"And in mine."

"Quite pleasant, isn't it?" Carl asked happily.

"Carl," Van Helsing tried one more time.

Carl heard the warning note in Van Helsing's voice. "Yes, yes, quite right. I think it works better this way." With that, he promptly rolled over, exposing his backside.

Van Helsing felt like he would explode. Carl frustrated him and excited him. And the monk wasn't really supposed to do either. Van Helsing remembered fighting with the Roman Army, Carl should not be a problem. But he was. "I wonder what the penance for this is," he said as his hand slipped down to his waistband.

"Not so much, I'm sure." Carl said rather cryptically.

Van Helsing's hand roamed over Carl's body, slithering beneath the brown wool habit. The friar's skin was delicate and smooth. "What do you mean?"

Carl cleared his throat. "It is easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission."

That stopped Van Helsing cold. "Did you?"

"I did say I was a genius."

"So you did," responded Van Helsing as he kissed Carl behind his rather large ear. "And a friar."

"Yes, that's all important." He rambled on for a few more minutes until Van Helsing's palm covered his lips.



"Let's put your genius to work, shall we?"

Carl glanced over his shoulder at the dark monster hunter. Oh, but I already have, he thought to himself.


If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to: LadyHawksShadow

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