Beyond Barriers

Posted: May 2003
Fandom: Tolkien
Genre: FCS
Author's Name: Kharessa Bloodrose
Characters: Glorfindel/Erestor
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Glorfindel and Erestor talk. This follows Decisions In The Mist.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or settings, nor am I making any profit from the writing and sharing of this story.
Warnings: Angst

*****

It was late morning, and dawn light no longer streamed through the east facing windows in a haze of gold. Erestor had grown accustomed to taking his morning meal closer to the lunch hour. This new, apathetic and nearly silent version of Glorfindel made no demands on him, and seemed to have few personal preferences. It was a small thing to adjust his schedule to rising nearly at noon and lying down to sleep long after midnight; he could not deny Glorfindel's wishes in so small a matter.

Glorfindel seemed to prefer eating in his rooms, and so Erestor had brought a tray to the bedside. He waited now as he always did, waited for azure eyes to open, to take in the ceiling above him with flat equanimity before turning toward Erestor.

"Good morning, melethron" Erestor said. Glorfindel shifted atop the coverlet, blinked sleepily as the dark elf stroked his hair with a gentle hand. "Watermelon with breakfast today."

"Mmmm, breakfast." He pushed himself up on his elbows. "Cheese?"

"Yes, cheese, too." Erestor smiled. "And bread."

They ate in silence. Glorfindel looked out the window; Erestor looked at Glorfindel. It was an unvarying routine that had been assiduously followed since Glorfindel had returned to his own rooms.

Outwardly, to the casual observer, there did not seem to be anything wrong with Glorfindel. One might note that he was more quiet, perhaps lost in introspection. Though he slept late, he was not spending his days sequestered in his bed chamber. In spite of his injury he had gone to the barracks every day to handle the management aspect of Imladris's military though he could not ride out on patrols. Erestor had held his tongue on this, for though he had not thought that work was in order for Glorfindel so soon after his near death experience, he also understood the impatience and frustration of being bedridden.

It was his enthusiasm that was gone, that vibrantly aggressive quality that had typified Glorfindel. He did his work and he did it well. He spoke up when he found it necessary, and he did not back down when challenged. No one could fault his efforts, his courage, his adherence to his principles. In his eyes, however, there was no laughter, no sparkle, never any glint of amusement or anger. Azure had turned to blue stone, from summer skies to the painted orbs of a granite statue.

With Erestor he was quiet, malleable as bread dough. There was no voiced capitulation, but the advisor had seen with rising alarm that he could affect the warrior's behavior with the slightest comment, the merest mention of a wish or preference. It was this that had frightened him into a matching silence. It was a silence that bound them, held them twined together in uncertain anticipation of its breaking, caught them in a web of unasked questions and unspoken answers.

"Glorfindel…"

"Hmmm?" He glanced back to Erestor, bread poised over his plate. His expression was mildly interested.

"Glorfindel, we need to talk."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"You. Us." He plucked at his sleeves nervously. "You're unhappy."

"I'm not unhappy."

"I'm sorry, Glorfindel. I said things that were hurtful, and I was wrong to say them."

"We've been over this." Glorfindel turned his gaze back to the window, and Erestor bit back the frustrated response that rose to his lips.

"I do not think so."

"Well, then." A blonde eyebrow rose, but the expression was lacking its previous irritation rousing sardonic lift.

"Glorfindel, I was frightened. Can you understand that?"

"Yes."

"And I made a mistake that I do not want to make again." Erestor sighed heavily. "I don't want things like this, and I know it's my fault, but I don't know what happened… Tell me what happened to you, Glorfindel."

*****

Glorfindel considered his lover, returned his gaze to dark eyes that were hopeful, guilty, frightened, miserable. Erestor had been quiet since he had first opened his eyes in the healing rooms to find him sitting at his bedside. Until now the dark haired elf had shown no interest in talking; quite to the contrary, he had staved off conversation with almost frantic insistence. He had hushed away Glorfindel's apology, had cared for him with a degree of solicitude that was almost alarming. And now he wanted to know what had happened.

He felt the slow kindling of anger within him, but he had not the energy or desire to sustain his potential rage. He had decided to return rather than move on to the realms of Mandos, and he had made that decision because he had not been prepared to leave Erestor. Erestor who did not want to be owned, Erestor who wanted to own him, Erestor who now wrung his hands in skittish nervousness at having been given what he wanted. Glorfindel allowed himself a small smile as he began to speak.
"You know how I was injured. ‘Twas purely accidental; I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't even the intended target for that arrow."

"That's not what I was speaking of." Erestor said quietly, and Glorfindel nodded. Of course that was not what Erestor wanted. That would be too easy. "Where were you… afterwards? What is it like? What happened?"

Glorfindel looked away, and for a moment there was something almost like loathing in his eyes. "What difference does it make?"

"Dammit, Glorfindel, did you come back because of me?"

"Yes." He dropped the piece of bread onto the plate, shoved the dish aside so violently that it almost fell off the bed. "I came back to give you what you want and be with you and live, rather than give up. Is that what you want to hear?"

"To give me what I want?" Erestor echoed, and Glorfindel glared at him, hands shaking where they gripped the coverlet.

"You want me on your terms, do you not? Well, you have me. I want you as well, and it seems I have you, if only in your guilt."

"I do not understand you."

"No?" Glorfindel's voice quivered with emotion. "You were clear in your feelings when last we spoke before I… was hurt. Now you feel differently? The past hasn't changed, Erestor."

"No, but perhaps I have." He touched Glorfindel's hand, and the blonde elf shook the touch away. Erestor bowed his head. "I knew I was wrong when I saw you lying unconscious. I was terrified, grief stricken. If you had not returned, I would have joined you."

"There is not love in Mandos as it is here." Glorfindel said hollowly, and when Erestor clasped his hand again he allowed the touch to remain. "Feelings, yes, but not so strong, not so vibrant."

"You said you came to give me what I want and live, but this is not what I want."

"Then what do you want?" Glorfindel asked tiredly.

"You, as you were. I am the one who should be asking your pardon, Glorfindel." Erestor forced himself to meet Glorfindel's eyes. "Have you any idea of how upset I was at the thought of being seen by you as weak? How much it grated on me to see you taking control as if by right, taking me as if by right? It was like being swallowed, being suffocated, being made over into someone I didn't recognize."

"My office…" Glorfindel pulled his hand away, and Erestor tightened his grip. "Glorfindel, that was the one and only place where I did not feel as if I was being redefined whether I chose to be or not. It was mine. Can you understand that?"

Glorfindel nodded, lips compressed. Erestor glanced down at their joined hands. "Then you went in there, and I know now that your motives were good. But to me it was as if you'd taken the last of what I could call mine, gone through and made even that over in your image. I did not want you to be a god to me, and it seemed to me that was what you wanted."

"I did not, Erestor." He sat up straighter against the pillows and pulled his lover into his arms. It seemed strange to him to be holding Erestor thusly. In the days since his return to this room it had been he who had been held, he who had heard soothing words and felt Erestor's gentle caresses until words had faded into heavy silence. The urge to hold had vanished, replaced by nothing more than the need to be enveloped beyond the need for speech, sight, or hearing, cocooned in the cool slipperiness of silk or the warm strength of bare arms. The desire to hold had now returned, and Glorfindel felt a paradoxical combination of glow and shattering as he succumbed to that desire, as Erestor succumbed to his desire.

"I wanted you to let me love you, I wanted you to love me." He whispered against the dark hair. "I wanted us both to become something new, just as we become one rather than two together when we make love."

He traced his finger along the line of Erestor's jaw, tilted up the perfect chin so he could look into soft, chocolate brown eyes. " Do you love me?"

"Does it matter?" Erestor whispered, and Glorfindel kissed him chastely.

"Yes."

"You know I do. I love you." He said the words as if they were a shameful admission, and Glorfindel sighed.

"As I love you. Will you let me love you, meleth nin?"

The words could be interpreted in so many ways, and Erestor knew that Glorfindel meant them in all of those ways. He was asking for everything and offering everything, and there was no way that Erestor could pretend to misunderstand that. The choice was between the pliant puppet that had returned from the threshold of the Halls of Waiting, or… something he could only guess at, but not yet see.

"Yes."

"I loved you all along, Erestor, I never stopped. I could not give up on this, on you. I looked toward Mandos, and I knew I could not walk away. Never."

"Hush, Glorfindel." Erestor responded as he pulled the blonde warrior down atop him. "No more words for now. You have said everything that I have needed to hear."

*****

Part 14

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