Stability

Stability

Posted: January 2005
Title: Stability
Author: Kharessa Bloodrose
Fandom: Tolkien
Type: FCGen
Characters: Haldir, Orophin, Rumil
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and settings, and I am making no profit from writing and sharing this story.
Beta: Larien Elengasse
Summary: Haldir takes care of his little brothers after a long day on duty.
Author's Notes: This is background for "Misfits" and "AAoM," and though it is not necessary to have read both of those stories to understand this one, having read at least one of them would help. This significantly preceeds "Misfits" - it takes place a few months after the brothers lose their parents. Haldir is not yet anyone significant within the guardians, Rumil is an elfling, and Orophin is somewhere between one and two years old in human years. Feel free to suggest alternative titles to replace my incredibly stupid ones any old time.

*****

Haldir picked up his pace, aware of the lengthening shadows and the light that was shed more by the mellyrn than by the sun. His day should have ended two hours earlier, but someone had been needed to cover part of the lieutenant's shift on the second watch. If Lieutenant Vairelle had given it any thought, she wouldn't have asked him. Everyone knew that the only reason he had taken duty within the city was because he needed reliable and consistent hours. Everyone also knew that he was over-qualified for the duties assigned to him, and so of course Vairelle had thought of him first when she'd realized she needed someone to briefly handle a lower officer's duties.

~Why didn't she cover it herself ?~ Haldir thought viciously. ~That's what I would have done in her place, not palmed it off on a lower ranking soldier.~

~Because she knows you could do her job blindfolded and with one hand tied behind your back.~ He answered himself. ~And because she knows she can .~

The sardonic edge to that thought did little to sooth his frustrated, frazzled nerves. Only a few short months ago he'd been a squadron lieutenant on the borders, and though that ranking had placed him barely ahead of the common defenders, it had been enough that he hadn't needed to kowtow to the likes of Vairelle Darrien. Earning that rank hadn't been easy, and he'd been justifiably proud of himself. That had changed in a breathtaking flash when he'd found himself listening in blank shock to a grief-stricken defender telling him that his parents would not be returning from their vacation trip. He'd taken Orophin in his arms wordlessly, feeling utterly numb as he'd rocked his youngest brother's small form, unable to form a single coherent thought as he'd taken Rúmil's hand. Within the span of two days, virtually everything he'd taken for granted - from his parents' support, to his position within the guardians - changed, not because of anything he had done or failed to do but just... because. Now Lieutenant Vairelle, in her ridiculous piped tabard, could make a shambles of his plans at a whim, and knowing that he was more capable than she was, was only another source of frustration.

~Bitch.~ He thought, investing all his trapped fury into that single word. ~I should have your job, and the only reasons that I don't are all circumstantial. One day I swear I'll be in a position to tell you to go home and mind your sewing.~

His talan came into view, and Haldir hurried a little faster, feeling a touch of relief. All of the windows were open, but no crying or wailing met his ears. Mindless of the undignified flapping of his own silver tabard, he broke into a trot as he reached the walkway. The door was unbarred, and Haldir let himself in with only a brief knock to herald his arrival.

The front room was a disaster. Blankets lay scattered over the couch and floor, and it looked as if all of Orophin's toys had been dragged out from the box in Haldir's bedroom. Crumbs littered the rug and it looked as if something had been spilled on the rocking chair. In spite of the array of brightly painted wooden blocks, stuffed animals and dolls, Orophin had somehow gotten a hold of one of Haldir's bracers. Upon seeing Haldir, he dropped the piece of hardened leather and raised his chubby arms in cheerful welcome.

"So, you missed big brother?" Haldir asked, picking his way across the room. He bent to lift Orophin, resolutely ignoring the slobber soaked piece of armor that slipped from Orophin's lap. "Big brother missed you, too. Where's other big brother?" he asked, and nodded seriously at Orophin's babbled response. A few words had begun to creep in through the gibberish; Haldir discerned "Rúmil," "cat," and " Ada" from Orophin's excited discourse.

"No, not Ada," he said. "Haldir." He tapped his chest and repeated his name. "Big brother."

Orophin continued to gabble, and Haldir blinked hard, willing away the sudden wave of grief that threatened to overwhelm him. Of course Orophin was too little to understand, and Haldir had no way of knowing how Orophin interpreted the sudden absence of his Ada and Nana.

"Haldir?" A small voice spoke hesitantly from the kitchen archway. Haldir looked up, tension overtaking sorrow as he noted the worried expression on Rúmil's face. Judging by Rúmil's pale, unhappy expression, it was obvious that he feared Haldir's imminent wrath, which did not bode well for what lay behind him in the kitchen. "Haldir, I know I'm not supposed to use the stove by myself, but I didn't know when you were coming home..."

Haldir shifted Orophin to his hip, mindless of Orophin's grip on his hair. "What did you do?"

"I just wanted to make something for Orophin in case you weren't home by supper time." Rúmil said, looking at his feet.

"Well, let's see." Haldir hurried into the kitchen, brushing past Rúmil without a pause.

The elfling had obviously been as careful as he'd known how to be. The resultant mess of Rúmil's culinary explorations lay mainly on the table and counter, far away from the stove. He'd even moved everything even remotely flammable from the stove's vicinity, and in his zealous attempts at caution he'd ended in re-arranging virtually everything in the kitchen. Two skillets, both crusted and burnt lay in the wash basin, and a plateful of half eaten food lay on the counter. The remains of Rúmil's efforts toward gutting and filleting two medium sized fish lay on the cutting board.

"Don't feed your brother fish," Haldir said. "If you miss a bone he could choke." His gaze drifted from stove to table to countertop, his expression settling into one of grim resignation. He could think of at least half a dozen other things he could point out to his little brother, but none of them seemed pertinent. It was not a disobedient elfling and a disastrous kitchen that were relevant, but the fact that an elfling had felt he had to make supper for his little brother because his oldest brother was filling out forms for a lazy watch lieutenant. Haldir felt a dull pulse begin at his temples as he slowly made his way toward the stove.

"Alright, Haldir," Rúmil said, his tone subdued.

"The skillets burned because the heat was too high," Haldir continued, his voice even and almost disinterested. "You wait until it's down to embers before using the top."

Rúmil nodded, slowly joining Haldir by the stove. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright." Haldir rested a hand on Rúmil's shoulder. "You were careful, and the talan didn't burn down. Do you want to learn how to cook?"

" Really?" Rúmil's eyes widened as he looked up at his oldest brother. "You think I can?"

"I think this proves it." He forced a smile. "Now, when I came in, I saw Orophin was chewing on something. I didn't quite see what it was, and I'm sure that if you find it and take care of it while I'm cleaning this up that I'll never know what it was."

Rúmil blinked, then nodded vigorously. "I'll go find it, Haldir. Do you want me to take Orophin with me?"

Haldir glanced down at Orophin. The baby had settled contentedly into the crook of his arm, and had begun to occupy himself by gnawing on the end of Haldir's braid. A more genuine smile surfaced as Orophin beamed up at him.

"Do you want to play with Rúmil while big brother cleans up?" he asked, teasing his damp braid from Orophin's grip. Orophin gurgled, but made no objection as Haldir transferred him to Rúmil.

"Maybe you could wash him up a little, too," Haldir said to Rúmil. "He has something crusty in his hair."

"We had peaches earlier," Rúmil explained. Haldir refrained from asking how much earlier. There were worse things than knowing that the elfling of whom one had charge had been carried through the city with peach pulp in his hair, but that was still something Haldir preferred not to know.

*****

He hadn't made it to bed as late as he'd originally feared he would. Not only had Rúmil found and dealt with the gnawed bracer, he'd also cleaned the front room in a fit of contrition. By the time Haldir had set the kitchen to rights and prepared a more substantial and palatable meal, even the crumbs had been picked from the rug and the floor swept. They'd eaten and Haldir had been able to give Orophin a bath in the kitchen basin while Rúmil took his own bath. Orophin had put up some resistance to that, preferring to play in the big tub with either of his big brothers to being scrubbed like an infant, but Haldir hadn't felt up to half an hour of bath toys and ducky sounds. Shortly after that, he'd been able to put Orophin to bed, and by the time he'd finished his own bath Rúmil had been in bed, also.

He'd almost drifted to sleep, lulled by Orophin's steady breathing in the basket-like crib next to his bed when the door opened. Haldir opened his eyes in turn, listening to the hesitant patter of small, bare feet. Rúmil paused uncertainly at his bedside, one hand tentatively touching the thin coverlet. Haldir waited, and at last the elfling climbed up to join him.

"Are you awake, Haldir?" Rúmil whispered.

"Yes," he answered, mentally calculating the number of hours until daybreak. "Are you alright?"

"Yes." Rúmil murmured. "I'm sorry I made a mess."

"I'm not angry, Rúmil."

"I wanted to help." Rúmil's voice wavered. "I wanted to help so you wouldn't have to do it after staying late on duty, and instead it was just a big mess."

"Rúmil." Haldir said, his tone gentle. "You meant well. And I promise that if I ever have to stay so late that I wouldn't be able to take care of supper for you two that I'll send someone. You don't need to worry about that."

Rúmil swallowed hard. "I miss Nana."

"I miss her, too," Haldir said. He rolled onto his side, taking the elfling into his arms. Rúmil clung to him, his small frame shaking with controlled sobs. "Nana and Ada still love us, and we're going to be alright."

"It's not fair," Rúmil cried against Haldir's chest, his words a pained expression of Haldir's own feelings. Haldir could not refute him - silent tears slid down his own cheeks as he gave what comfort he could.

"No, it's not," he finally said. "You know what Nana would say, though: 'need doesn't consult want.'"

"It's not fair," Rúmil repeated.

Haldir cradled him, unable to provide anything more. He could not make sense of the senseless for Rúmil; he couldn't even do that for himself. In lieu of that, he merely held, murmuring soft nonsense as if he were rocking Orophin to sleep. The few hours that remained before he would have to return to duty now seemed like ages; grief had transformed the harsh reality of abridged rest into an endless chasm of helpless solitude. The elfling in his arms could not possibly grasp the extent of the unfairness that had been wrought upon them, and Haldir could not weight him with that awareness. The two elves wept in their separate yet identical sorrow, both grappling with the idea that things as accepted and unchanging as loving nanas and adas and meals that came on time could be wants rather than needs. Both of them wanted security returned, but it was up to Haldir to provide that security, and he struggled to put aside the part of him that wanted to cry out against the desperate unfairness of it as he did his best to comfort his brother.

*****

" Buh?"

Haldir's eyes opened. Morning light streamed in through the window, and he squinted against it, turning his head on the pillow. Two bright blue eyes peered at him over the edge of the mattress.

" Buh! Buh !" Orophin bobbed up on tiptoes, his small hands gripping the edge of the coverlet.

"Yes, big brother is awake." Haldir mumbled. "I'm happy to see you, too."

" Buh!" Orophin repeated. Haldir sighed, pushing himself upright. Beside him, Rúmil was still sound asleep, curled up into a ball and hugging his pillow. If Haldir could have had any wish granted at that moment, it would have been to join Rúmil in at least another hour of slumber. Instead, he reached down and lifted Orophin, sweeping him upward and then dropping him amidst the tangled blankets. Orophin giggled, waving his arms exuberantly.

"I suppose you want your breakfast, don't you?" he asked, as Orophin pushed himself up into a sitting position. "Food?"

Orophin gabbled an affirmative reply, grabbing the front of Haldir's nightshirt as he pulled himself to his feet. Standing eye to eye with his oldest brother, he toddled forward to give him a hug.

"I thought so," Haldir said, returning the hug. "Come on, then." With one arm curled about his youngest brother, Haldir climbed out of bed. Rúmil rolled over, mumbling unintelligibly as he pulled Haldir's pillow over his head. "We'll just let him sleep. Sound good to you?"

" Buh !" Orophin replied, and Haldir smiled tiredly.

"We'll get you some mush, and then big brother will get ready to play dress-up for Vairelle," Haldir continued as he carried Orophin out of the bedroom. "That tabard is the most ridiculous example of military uniform I have ever seen. One day, I'm going to use it to scrub floors."

Orophin gave Haldir's hair a sharp tug, and Haldir raised his eyebrows. "You don't approve? I don't suppose it is good for even floor scrubbing. A competent seamstress could turn it into quite a few bibs, though. What do you think of that?"

Orophin made no reply. Haldir nodded agreeably nevertheless. Reaching the kitchen, he stooped to settle Orophin on a thick folded blanket by the table. "Can you play down here while I get food?"

Orophin immediately scooted off of the blanket. Using a table leg for balance, he teetered to his feet and took a wobbling step toward Haldir.

" Orophin, I need both hands to get your breakfast," he said, looking down into his youngest brother's cherubic face. The elfling paid no heed to his words, continuing to cling to Haldir's bed pants. Haldir sighed in resignation.

"Alright, then. Come on."

Oatmeal with peeled and sliced peaches was not difficult to prepare, but the elfling gripping his leg slowed the process considerably. Haldir worked his way across the kitchen carefully, unwilling to throw Orophin's precarious balance while at the same time fighting his own impatience. Instead of peeling the fruit over the refuse barrel, he carried it to the stove along with the saucepan of oatmeal, spoon and knife. He'd fully loaded the stove on the previous night, and it had retained enough heat for his purposes. It was also still hot enough to burn small fingers, and he peered down worriedly at Orophin.

"No touch, Orophin," he said sternly.

Orophin nodded, his attention focused on the peach rather than on the stove. Haldir tossed a scrap of fuzzy skin toward the table, and Orophin pointed upward, gabbling excitedly.

"No. If I give you the peach first, you won't eat your mush."

Orophin's cries grew more plaintive. Haldir glared at the piece of fruit, feeling like an ogre.

"You are not starving, and your mush is almost done. You can wait a little bit."

"You shouldn't have let him see the peach," Rúmil said from the archway. Haldir looked up, his lips compressing in irritation.

"Inasmuch as I'm not a magician, it's a little difficult for me to prepare his breakfast without him seeing it while he's hanging onto my leg."

"I'll get him." Rúmil mumbled, crossing to the stove. He stooped to scoop Orophin up, but the elfling tightened his grip, clinging ferociously. Plaintive cries turned to wails as Rúmil tried to pull him free, and Haldir closed his eyes, mentally counting to ten.

"Take the peach!" he finally ordered, shoving the half-peeled fruit at Rúmil. Rúmil released his grip on Orophin, silently taking the peach instead. "Finish peeling that for him."

"Sorry, Haldir."

"It's alright," Haldir said, lifting Orophin into his arms. Orophin's tears instantly evaporated; Haldir's shoulders slumped. "I guess it's just that he doesn't see as much of me as he does of you during the week."

"Oh." Rúmil carved at the peach, dropping strips that were more akin to chunks on the tabletop. Haldir bit back his observations on wastefulness; Orophin wouldn't eat an entire peach anyway. "Are you going to be late arriving today?"

"No," Haldir answered, lifting the saucepan from the stove. A bowl waited on the table, and setting the pan beside it he spooned out an elfling sized portion. "You're going to help Orophin eat while I get ready."

"Are you sure?" Rúmil asked, looking at Orophin uncertainly.

"Yes, I'm sure." Haldir gave Rúmil a crooked smile. "You're the one with the peach now." He settled Orophin into his high chair and scooted him up to the table. "Don't forget to change his nappie when you're done."

Rúmil grimaced, but didn't argue. Haldir ruffled Orophin's hair and then hurried back to the bedroom to dress. Within moments his hair was combed and neatly braided, and his dress uniform in place. Staring at his reflection in his mother's mirror, his lips twisted in bitter resentment.

"Someone bring me a trumpet," he muttered at the glass. "It's clear that I'm supposed to be a herald angel, but for some reason they gave me a sword instead of a trumpet and wings."

"Um, Haldir?" Rúmil peered in nervously from the doorway, Orophin on his hip.

"What?" Haldir snapped.

"I was just wondering when you'd have time to make me breakfast?" The elfling asked hesitantly. Haldir blinked, his outrage at the ceremonial dress uniform completely forgotten.

~You idiot .~ He thought, staring into Rúmil's hopeful face. ~You forgot Rúmil.~

"You get a special treat today for being so helpful with the front room yesterday and for being careful with the stove," Haldir said, his tone overly bright. Turning, he strode to the bureau and opened the top drawer. A drawstring bag lay beside the socks. Rúmil's eyes widened as Haldir loosened the string and withdrew several silver coins. "You have my permission to go to The Roost and order a chicken sandwich with fried potatoes. There's enough for you and Orophin to have a slice of pie when you're done with your meal."

"Thanks, Haldir!" Rúmil charged forward, giving his brother an ecstatic, one-armed hug. Haldir hugged him back, his smile tightening into something that was almost a grimace. "I love going out for sandwiches. I wish you could come, too!"

"I'll get something later," he said, patting Rúmil's back and stepping away. "I have to leave now. You and Orophin be good."

"We will."

"And stay away from The Swan. That's no place for elflings, and I'll know if you go anyplace other than The Roost."

"I know, I know." Rúmil trailed after Haldir, his high spirits not in the least diminished by his brother's admonitions.

"Good." He stopped by the door, turning to give Rúmil a few final instructions. "Make sure you're both presentable before you go. I'll not have it said that the elflings under my care wander around looking like human vagabonds."

"I know!" Rúmil said in exasperation. Haldir offered him a lopsided smile and clapped him on the shoulder.

"Alright, then. I'll see you later." He leaned down to give Orophin a quick kiss on the forehead. "Bye-bye, Orophin."

" Buh, Ada!" Orophin returned happily. Both Haldir and Rúmil's smiles wavered.

"That's Haldir, Orophin." Rúmil said. "Big brother."

"You two have a good day." Haldir swallowed through the abrupt tightening in his throat, casting a last cursory glance over his two younger brothers. "Enjoy your breakfast, Rúmil." He let himself out without waiting for a reply, blinking back tears of grief and frustration as he shut the door behind him.

*****

THE END

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