You Said We Used To Be Lovers 2

You Said We Used To Be Lovers

Part 2 - Revelations

Posted: November 2, 2007
Title: You Said We Used To Be Lovers
Author: Jay of Lasgalen

*****

Legolas stared at Elladan in shock.

“Fifty years? He has forgotten the last fifty years?”

Elladan gave a helpless shrug. “If that begetting day is the last one he remembers – but he may just be confused. If he has lost his memory …” He fell silent, staring back at Elrohir’s room, his eyes shadowed.

Legolas did not want to pursue that idea, but the conclusion was inescapable. If Elrohir had forgotten fifty years, he could also have forgotten their bond, and the love they shared. And then, with a cold fear, he recalled Elrohir’s first words to him when he awoke. “I think you are right,” he said quietly. “And I think he has forgotten me, as well.”

“Legolas – memory loss is common after an injury like Elrohir’s. It will not last long – he will remember soon. And remember what I said before – we have to have hope.”

He nodded. “I know. And I know Elrohir will soon return to us. He cannot have forgotten our bond – not for long. In a few days he will be well. I remember when he fell in the Lithaduin – he recalled everything in just two days!” He gave a sudden laugh as his usual optimism returned. “Elrohir is too stubborn for his own good – he will not let this hold him back for long!”

o-o-o

His hope proved all too optimistic. Over the next few days Elrohir regained his strength, and the heavy bruising faded. The deep gash across his temple healed, and when Elrond removed the stitches, only a faint scar remained. Elrohir appeared fully recovered in all ways – save one. He still had no memory whatsoever of the battle, events preceding it, his bond with Legolas – nothing of the last fifty years. Most worrying of all, he had no awareness that there was anything wrong, and seemed oblivious of the gap in his memories and his life.

Elrond had counselled caution in dealing with this. “I think it best to say nothing to him. I am sure his memory will return soon, but until then I do not want to do anything to force it. We must let his mind heal as it will. The shock of learning what has been lost could cause further damage. Legolas – I cannot begin to understand how difficult this must be for you, but please – do nothing to force his memory to return.”

Legolas hesitated, but then nodded sadly. “I will try.”

Elladan shook his head. “El is no fool – he will know something is wrong; that we are hiding something. He will not thank us for coddling him like this. He is still Elrohir – and he will still prefer to confront problems head on.”

Legolas tended to agree. He knew Elrohir, and knew how stubborn and determined he could be. He would not appreciate being protected from anything – even if it was deemed to be for his own good. He had a great respect for Elrond, but wondered if this was the correct decision. But as he still held to his hope that Elrohir’s memory would soon return, he supposed it would not matter.

The next few days were difficult. In many ways Elrohir seemed unchanged – he teased Arwen and argued with Elladan as he had always done, and laughed and joked with Legolas as he had when they were merely friends. In many ways, that was the hardest thing of all. Legolas longed to come closer to Elrohir, to share their love again – but Elrohir was quite unaware of any deeper feeling. All the time though, the knowledge of what had happened hung over them, and Elrohir could not fail to be aware of the shadow of it.

Elrohir finally lost patience five days after he had regained consciousness. Elrond had conducted his customary examination, and pronounced Elrohir ‘nearly fit’ to return to his duties.

“Nearly fit?” Elrohir protested. “But when? When can I go back on patrol?”

“Soon,” Elrond soothed him. “You are still suffering from headaches. When they ease …”

Elrohir did not try to deny the headaches. “But they are less severe and less frequent than they were. I know I can manage!”

“Soon,” Elrond repeated as he turned to leave. “Be patient, Elrohir. You will soon be well.”

“No, wait,” Elrohir demanded, calling him back. “Tell me what else is wrong – there is something you are hiding from me, I can feel it. You are tiptoeing around me as you would around a sleeping warg, where the slightest misstep could wake it. Why?”

There was a silence, which only too clearly confirmed Elrohir’s questions. “I knew it – if it concerns me, I think I have the right to know! Is it the battle? Was someone else killed, and you do not want to tell me? Who? What?”

Elrond sighed. “It is not that. But the blow to your head – it caused severe injury.”

Elrohir nodded. “I know that. And I know I was unconscious for over a week, and you were quite naturally very worried. I know that. There are a few things before the battle I cannot remember. I know that, too – you said that that was normal. But apart from that I am fully recovered – so why am I still confined to my rooms? What is it I do not know?” He stared at them, his gaze flicking from Elrond to Elladan and back again. “Well? Is one of you going to tell me?”

Elladan stared accusingly at Elrond. Legolas found it harder to read his expressions and moods than Elrohir’s, but this was unmistakeably ‘I told you so.’ At last Elrond nodded, and Elladan leaned closer to his brother. “El – There are more than just a few things which you cannot remember. It is more than that. Our begetting day when you gave me Anroch – is that the last thing you remember clearly?”

“Well – there are a few things since then, but yes. Why?”

Elladan spoke slowly, trying to find the right words. “It was not our last begetting day, El. It was a long time ago – nearly fifty years. You appear to have lost the memory of that time completely.”

Elrohir stared at him. “Fif – fifty years?” he whispered in shock. “I cannot remember the last fifty years?” He swallowed, then gave Elladan a sudden suspicious look, and gazed accusingly at Legolas. “This is not one of your jokes, is it? I remember another occasion in Lasgalen …”

“No!” Elladan exclaimed, startled. “It is no joke, El, not this time. It is true.”

“Fifty years?”

Elrond nodded. “It would seem so,” he confirmed. “The more you can tell us about what you do remember, the better we can tell.”

“Fifty years,” Elrohir repeated again, stunned. It was no longer a question. He swallowed, then looked up again. “I see. Is there anything else I should know?” He tried to smile. “A lot must have happened in that time.”

“There is one other thing,” Legolas said as he knelt by Elrohir’s seat. Elrohir watched at him warily. “Elrohir – for the last twenty years we have been lovers. We are bound. Can you not feel it?” He tried to keep the pain and yearning out of his voice, but it was impossible. “Can you not feel me?” he pleaded, taking Elrohir’s hand.

Elrohir snatched his hand away. “No!” he exclaimed. “No, that cannot be. I would remember that – I would know it. Legolas, you are a dear friend, but lovers? No!”

Legolas bowed his head, feeling tears prick at his eyes. This was something he had dreaded. A hand clasped his shoulder in reassurance, and he heard Elladan’s voice. “It is true, little brother,” he said softly. “Legolas would not lie about a thing like that. Nor would I – you know that.”

Legolas looked back at Elrohir as he shook his head again, still denying what he heard. “No,” he insisted. “I do not believe it. I would know if such a thing was true.”

Elrond spoke gently. “I am sorry, Elrohir. This must be very difficult for you to believe, but we would not mislead you.”

Elrohir nodded silently. He took a deep breath, but would not look at anyone. “No. You would not make such a cruel joke. I know that. You would not lie to me – I know that, too.” There was a prolonged silence as Elrohir struggled to find words. At last he raised his head, anger flashing from his eyes. “Why did none of you think to tell me this before – any of you? Fifty years – you did not think it important? And now I find …” he broke off as his voice began to shake. “Will – will you leave me? Please, just go – all of you. I need to be alone.”

Elrond sighed. “We thought it for the best, Elrohir.”

“Whose best? Mine? Or yours?” Elrohir snapped, his tone bitter. “Just leave me.”

“Elrohir …”

“Please, El – you as well.”

Elladan hesitated, then sighed. “Very well, little brother. But I will be here if you need me.”

Elrohir merely nodded. He did not even look at Legolas.

Legolas hesitated, reluctant to leave Elrohir when he was so distraught; but then followed Elladan and Elrond as they moved towards the sitting room. Elrond turned to him. “Legolas – will you join us? I do not wish to leave him too alone like this.”

He shook his head. “Perhaps later,” he said curtly. He had expected Elrohir to be shocked by the news, but not this denial and rejection. He had felt sure that Elrohir would somehow remember and feel their bond again. But now … like Elrohir, he felt the need to be alone to think about this, and could not face the sympathy and concern he could see in Elladan and Elrond.

As he hurried down the steps to the gardens, he glanced back at Elrohir. He sat hunched in the chair, arms wrapped around his knees, and his face hidden. He looked utterly lost and forlorn. He longed to go to Elrohir, to hold him and comfort him – it tore his soul to leave him so alone, but he remembered the way Elrohir had recoiled from him, and knew that there was no comfort or support he could offer. Not yet.

o-o-o

The next few days were difficult, to say the least. He longed to be with Elrohir, but it was so hard to be near him when Elrohir seemed so distant. Elrohir seemed to be avoiding him now, and even the ease of their lifelong friendship – which had never changed even after they became lovers – had gone.

Legolas was in despair. It was difficult and painful to see the stranger that Elrohir had become, and there were some days when it was easier to take a long, solitary ride alone along the banks of the Bruinen. He was even tempted at times to return to Lasgalen, where he would be able to bury his sense of grief and loss beneath the mantle of duty and responsibility. He was tempted – but he could not bring himself to abandon Elrohir. He still clung to the hope that one day Elrohir’s memories would return.

A messenger arrived from Lasgalen, bringing with him a long letter from Thranduil, with news and a final plea:

‘I long for you to return, my son, but know you cannot leave yet. I pray to the Valar that Elrohir’s memory will soon be healed, and he will be returned to you, so that you may return to me.

My blessings to you both,

Your loving father

Thranduil’

He read the letter through for the third time, profoundly grateful for his father’s acceptance and understanding. He folded the letter, then looked up as Celebrían approached him.

“Is your father well?”

Legolas nodded. “He is. He says he can manage without me for a while longer, though I know he would like me to return.”

She nodded gravely. “And what will you do?” She gave him a searching gaze, suddenly appearing uncannily like her mother.

He met her gaze unflinchingly. Despite his fears and doubts, the answer was suddenly crystal clear to him. “I will stay, if you will have me here. I will stay until Elrohir remembers me. And if his memory never returns, I will wait until he comes to love me anew. I will not leave him, Celebrían. I love him, and I am still bound to him, and nothing will ever break that.”

Celebrían smiled, and kissed his cheek. “Bless you. Elrohir could not have chosen a better mate. He is lucky to have you – and one day he will remember that.”

As she left, a sudden swirl of movement in the doorway caught his eye. Elrohir – and he must have overheard. Gripped by a sudden determination, Legolas followed him. Walking quickly, almost running, Elrohir threaded his way along the woodland paths towards the river. Legolas slowed. He did not want to race through the trees after Elrohir, and could in any case guess where he was going. Perhaps in the secluded clearing overlooking the river he could finally corner Elrohir and talk to him.

As the trees thinned, he realised that Elrohir was not alone – Elladan was already there. He hesitated, wondering whether to join them. Elladan had been a tower of strength to him, a constant support and reassurance that one day, all would be well. He too was worried about Elrohir, and perhaps it would be best to leave the twins alone to talk. About to turn away, he hesitated as he overheard Elladan’s first sharp words.

“How much longer are you going to run away from your problems, El?”

“What do you mean?” Elrohir protested. “I am not running away from anything!”

Elladan sighed. “Stop pretending, El. When was the last time you spoke to Legolas? When was the last time you even looked at him? You are avoiding him, Elrohir – running away from what has happened!”

Elrohir did not reply, and Elladan continued. “This is not like you, El. You have always faced difficulties head on – too stubborn for your own good! I never imagined that you could be a coward,” he added harshly.

“I am no coward!” Elrohir snapped, goaded into response.

“No?” Elladan waited.

Legolas knew he should leave, or make his presence known. He knew he should not stay here listening, a hidden eavesdropper. But Elrohir would not talk to him. Perhaps, if he would talk to Elladan, he could learn more. So he waited, wondering what would come next.

“I am not running away – I just do not know what to say to him.” Elrohir sighed. “It is hard, El – so hard.”

“Hard, yes,” Elladan agreed. “But that has never stopped you before. And think what it must be like for Legolas, too. What if it had been me? What if I had lost my memory, if I no longer knew you, and even tried to avoid you? How would you feel?”

Elrohir was silent. “Is that what Legolas feels?” He took a shuddering breath. “He must be so lonely.” He fell silent, thinking. “I have been selfish. I have been so concerned with my own loss, wanting to regain my memories, I have not thought what torture this must be for him. To love someone, and not have that love returned or even acknowledged – I have been cruel to him. I did not think …” He paused again. “It is hard,” he repeated. “To know that we must have shared … such intimacies – but not to remember any of it. It makes me feel uncomfortable.”

Elladan drew him into a gentle embrace. “Then you need to remember. You need to know what you shared. He loves you, and you loved him. At the very least, he is still a friend, and deserves better. You need to decide if you are going to fight for what you had, or if you are going to ignore it, and face the future alone. El – do you want him back?”

“Yes,” Elrohir whispered very softly. “Yes.”

*****

previous | Chapter Index | next

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to: Jay of Lasgalen