Desires: The Final Journey

Desires: The Final Journey

Posted: January 26, 2007
Title: Desires: The Final Journey
Author: Inwë Sáralondë
Type: FCS
Characters: Elrohir/Elrond
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: The characters portrayed are the property of J.R.R. Tolkien. No profit or such is made from this.
Warnings: Implied incest between father and son. If this not to your liking, please don’t read any further…
Beta: Patricia Pleasant (aka slayer9649)
Author’s Note: About a year ago I began writing this sequel to ‘Desires’; like with so many of my stories lately, I’m now finding the impetus to finally finish it off.

Summary: Elrohir has made his decision to remain; can he be convinced otherwise?

*****

“I will remain here.”

Elrohir’s words shocked me to the very centre of my being. I stared at him, unable to say a word.

“I am sorry,” he whispered, hands twisting nervously in his robe.

Remainhereremainhereremainhere… The words echoed unceasingly in my head.

“But why?” I managed to bring out.

He began pacing the room. “Naneth will be waiting for you,” he eventually replied, though his answer did not really answer the question.

“Will she?” I asked mildly.

“You know she will be!” I shook my head, a small, bitter smile on my lips.

“No, she will not.” Elrohir stopped his pacing and looked at me, puzzled. “She released me from my vow, Elrohir. Your mother wanted me to find love again. We both knew that what happened to her changed her completely. She could barely withstand my touch as I was trying to heal her. Then, once she had been healed physically until she sailed, she refused to sleep in the same bed as me.”

“I never knew.” Elrohir’s voice was quiet and tinged with sadness.

“No. It was not something I could tell any of you. No one knew, Elrohir, no one. Not even Galadriel, though she may have suspected.” I approached Elrohir and took him in my arms.

“I am afraid,” he whispered.

I knew why. Nevertheless, I wanted him to say it, to bring it out into the open. Feigning ignorance, I asked, “Why? Of what are you afraid?” Belatedly I realise that Elrohir was trembling in my arms, and I drew him closer to me, gently stroking his back.

His voice was muffled, his face pressed against my shoulder, but I could still hear his words clearly enough. “What will they say – what will *Naneth* say – when they find out we are lovers?”

“What makes you think they do not know?”

My question caused Elrohir to raise his head and stare at me in bewilderment. “What are you saying?”

I decided it was time to tell my son the truth. “Your mother foresaw what would happen between us. She saw that we needed each other to heal. She did not condemn then, she will not condemn now. Nor have we been condemned by those who are cognizant of our relationship. And I do not believe we will be condemned by those who do not as yet know.”

“Nevertheless, I choose to remain.”

An icy fear gripped my heart. “Have you chosen a mortal life?” I asked, not really wanting to hear his answer. The shaking of his head negated my fear somewhat. “Do you intend to choose a mortal life?” Again, Elrohir shook his head, and I breathed a little easier. “You know, then, that you will gradually fade, as will any other Elves that choose to remain in Middle-earth.” Elrohir nodded, and then raised his gaze to meet mine.

“You accept my decision, then?” he asked warily.

I took a deep breath. “I will accept your decision as long as you accept mine.”

His look was puzzled. “But I have accepted your decision; I know you will sail.”

“Did I say that?”

“No…but I always presumed…”

“Then you presumed incorrectly, gûren.”

Elrohir’s gaze widened. “Then what…?”

“My decision is this: As you choose to remain here, then so shall I. I will not leave you.”

“But…all the Elves of Imladris will sail, Erestor, Glorfindel, Elladan…”

“They will,” I confirmed. “I will miss them, yes, but I would miss you more.” I took his face between my hands and gently kissed him. “I could not bear it, sailing to Aman, knowing you were still here.”

Elrohir withdrew slightly, removing my hands to clasp them in his own. “You would do this, for me?”

“I would, gûren.”

Releasing my hands, Elrohir stepped away, his gaze troubled. “I confess I had not expected this,” he said quietly.

It was my turn to be puzzled. “This bothers you,” I said, not quite understanding how it could.

“If we are to be honest, yes…yes, it does, though I can not tell you why. Not as yet. I need some time to myself to think.”

I made a move towards him, but he held up his hand. “No, please.” He looked as if he were going to say more, but then shook his head. I watched as he turned and exited the room, leaving me in complete bewilderment.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“You are a fool.” Elladan’s voice was harsh.

Elrohir sighed. “Please, Elladan, leave me in peace.”

“Not until I knock some sense into you. Neither you nor Ada have anything to be ashamed of. I just hope you have not told him your decision to remain.” The look on his brother’s face made Elladan stop in his tracks, his eyes widening in disbelief. “Tell me you have not told him.”

Elrohir nodded, and Elladan fought the urge to shake his brother. “He said that as I chose to remain, so would he,” Elrohir confessed.

“What?” Elladan moved away. He did not just want to shake his brother, but to shake him so hard that his teeth rattled. “So not only would we leave you behind, but leave Ada behind as well, with no chance of us ever seeing each other again. Forgive me, tôren, but I find I am not very enthusiastic about that idea.” Elladan’s voice was laced with sarcasm, and Elrohir winced.

“I do not want him to stay because of me,” he replied, trying to keep his voice steady.

“Then you both sail, ‘tis that simple. There is no reason for you to remain, Elrohir. You have nothing to fear.”

“You seem so sure of this, Elladan. How do you know? Have you been in secret communication with the Valar? Or do you have some mystical sense that tells you?”

Elladan shook his head as if in resignation. “Truly you are stubborn, tôren.”

“No more stubborn than you.”

At this, Elladan smiled ruefully. “Then we both suffer from the same malady,” he responded, eliciting a laugh from his brother. Elladan’s mien became sober.

“Do you truly fear condemnation?” he asked softly.

Elrohir sighed. “Elladan, name me one other elf who has, or has had, his father as a lover.”

“There have been rumours that…” Elladan began, only for Elrohir to wave his hand dismissively.

“Rumours only, tôren, but never proved as fact. And what is between Ada and I is precisely that – fact. Despite what you or Ada say, there will be those on Aman who will condemn the relationship.”

“It is not unknown for close kin to have a sexual relationship,” Elladan began slowly. “Maedhros and Fingon were lovers as well as cousins.”

Elrohir’s shoulders slumped slightly. “I know.” He sighed once more before turning his eyes beseechingly towards his brother. “Can you talk to him, Elladan? Convince him to sail? I do not want him to forsake the chance to be with those he loves because of me.”

Elladan stared at his twin disbelievingly. “Are you not forgetting something?” he snapped. “He *loves* you! I can not believe that you do not see that he will not sail without you!” Elladan turned away in disgust. “Aye, I will talk to our father. I will tell him of your foolishness and your ridiculous attempt to become some sort of martyr. I will ask him to talk some sense into that thick skull of yours; mayhap he will have more luck than I.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Walking out to the garden, I found Elrohir exactly where Elladan left him. I watched him for a time, noting the drooping shoulders and sensing the general air of sadness around him.

Elladan’s words did not surprise me. I had suspected that Elrohir was feeling guilty about our relationship. Nor had I found it surprising that I did not share the guilt. My guilt was before the onset of our relationship, a guilt that Elrohir had not shared; he had seen the consummation of our relationship as perfectly acceptable. But now the doubts had set in.

As if sensing my presence, Elrohir turned. Even from where I stood I could see the tears on his face, and my heart went out to him.

“Elrohir,” I said softly, not wanting to frighten him, even though he saw I was there. Carefully I approached him, noting the widened eyes that were staring at me with resignation.

“Elladan has spoken to you,” he said.

“You knew he would.” I sat down next to him on the bench.

“Aye. Are you now going to tell me that I am being foolish, that I have nothing to fear?”

I smiled. “Surely there is no point in telling you when you already know.”

Elrohir shook his head and turned away.

Cupping his cheek, I turned his head back towards me. “Elrohir, neither of us has anything to fear. I truly believe this. I also remember quite clearly what you said to me the night we became lovers: ‘We will deal with any consequences if and when they happen.’”

“I said that?”

“Do you not remember?”

Elrohir’s lips curled into a smile. “The only thing I remember from that night is you taking me so thoroughly that I had difficulty in walking the next day.” He sighed. “There have been no consequences so far, have there.” It was a statement rather than a question.

“No, gûren, there have not.”

“And you sincerely believe that there will be no consequences.”

“I do. Do not forget, melethen, that I can often foretell these things.”

Elrohir was silent for a moment. “But you can not foretell everything. Some things were hidden from you. The attack on Naneth was hidden from you.”

Now it was my turn to be silent. What Elrohir said was the truth. There were some things that had been hidden from me. I had not been aware of what was going to happen to my wife. Would it have made a difference it I had been? I had often asked myself that, but had come to the conclusion a long time ago that it was something that had been out of my control. Some things were meant to happen and, unfortunately, what happened to Celebrí an was one of them.

I conceded. “Then, if there are any consequences, we will deal with them,” I said firmly, wanting Elrohir to understand that I would be there with him should the need arise.

“Do you want to sail?”

“What I want,” I began, “is to remain whole. I could sail and leave you behind, but my heart would remain here with you. It would be only a shell that would be in Aman. If you are determined to remain, then I shall remain here with you.”

“You would never see anyone else again. You would not be able to meet up with elves that have been reborn in Aman, such as Gil-galad.”

“*If* he has been reborn. Not all elves are.”

“But surely Gil-galad would have been,” Elrohir argued.

I smiled. “Even I do not know the answer to that.” I paused before rising and looking down at my son, my lover. “Just remember this: we belong together. Where we live – whether it is here or in Aman – will not change that. But, if you are so concerned by my not seeing my family or friends again by remaining, then the simple solution is that we *both* sail.”

With these final words I left my son, not sure if I had been in any way successful in convincing him. If truth be told, I wanted to sail. I knew my time here in Middle-earth was over. I was tired, the wearing of Vilya having taken much out of me. I did not want to lose contact with those who had been my friends for millennia; I did not want to lose contact with my other son. I wanted to meet up with those who sailed before me; I wanted to see if any elves had, in the meantime, been reborn in the Undying Lands – elves like Gil-galad. But I did not tell Elrohir this. For while I wanted to sail, I knew I could not leave him behind.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Stretching, I rose from behind my desk. I had spent most of the evening sorting out parchments that I had accumulated over the centuries. Most would be discarded, but there were some I was hoping to take with me to Aman. I wondered if what I was doing was a futile exercise, but resolved to be positive. If anything, the sorting was long overdue – I was surprised I had actually found space to store them.

Elrohir had not shown for dinner, instead requesting a tray be brought to our room. After dinner I decided to leave him in peace, instead choosing to work at my desk, but now it was late, and I was in desperate need of my bed.

Making my way down the corridor, I paused briefly. All was quiet. There were very few elves left in Imladris, many having already sailed. Those who remained would be sailing on the last ship when the time came. Whether Elrohir and I would be amongst them was yet to be determined.

I continued further till I reached the bedchamber I shared with Elrohir. I could see a faint light from within, which indicated to me that Elrohir was still awake. I entered, only to find Elrohir standing in the middle of our room, as if he were waiting for me. He appeared calm, resolute. We stood there, looking at each other, before Elrohir broke the silence.

“We will sail.”

*****

Elvish translations:

ada – dad
gûren – my heart
melethen – my love
naneth - mother
tôren – my brother

*****

THE END

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