Posted: February 2004
Title: The Valar Must Be Crazy
Sequel to: Blind Taste Test
Author: Haleth Haladin
Type: FCS
Characters: Elladan/Elrohir/Legolas
Rating: NC-17
Series: The Cola Beverage Series
Warning: Half-elf twincest and unsafe drinking practices – don't try this at home! If you ever find a liquid you can't identify, the LAST thing you should do is drink it.
Summary: Those wacky twins are back in another cola-based smutfest. An homage to my own cola beverage addiction as well as "The Gods Must Be Crazy", and a musing on the unique effects of caffeine on Elven physiology.

*****

"What is it?"

"What does it look like to you, brother?"

"A bottle."

"A bottle of what?"

Almost identical grey eyes peered at the strange clear bottle. It was as tall as a wine bottle, but much wider, perfectly round most of the way up and tapering suddenly at the apex to a narrow spout. The bottom had strange hollow lumps, like feet built into the vessel. The liquid inside was a dark, yet translucent, brown.

"It weighs little, for holding so much liquid," Elladan judged.

Elrohir placed his fingers on the sides of the bottle and applied pressure. There was a fair amount of give. "It is not blown glass; it is very thin and flexible."

Elladan traced his finger over strange white lettering on a vivid red field. The pattern wrinkled under his touch. "This is merely wrapped around the bottle, not firmly affixed."

Elrohir tilted the bottle to one side, and they both watched, fascinated, as a multitude of bubbles danced merrily in the fluid. "It is akin to the spring water near grandmother's waterfall."

"Indeed, it fairly sparkles. We should open it. It might be good to drink."

Elrohir looked aghast at the suggestion. "Might? That entails too much risk for me, brother. Moreover, how would you propose to open it? There is no cork, only this lid that folds over the opening and is fixed permanently."

"You think it is meant to remain sealed? It could be some sort of decoration."

"Or a spell."

"Where do you suppose it came from?"

"It simply appeared, as if it fell from the sky." Elrohir mused. "It could be Orc mischief. We should take it to Ada."

"And let him take it for himself? I think not."

"He will be able to tell if it is safe."

"But I want a taste, and once it is in his hands he will never let us try it."

Elrohir heard and responded to the challenge in his brother's voice. Elladan would soon make it a test of courage. He knew his fearless twin well enough to understand where this was headed. He forced himself to shrug in a reckless manner. "You are right. There is no reason we should not investigate it ourselves. First, we must open the bottle. How do you suppose this exterior stopper works?"

Elladan tugged on the lid to no avail. He took out his knife and pried at it, with similar results. He frowned. No bottle had ever stayed closed against his will before, and he was not about to admit defeat now. He grasped the white-ridged lid in his fingers and gave a sharp tug. He furiously twisted the cap in frustration.

Both twins recoiled at the sudden hiss of air.

"See, it is Orc mischief!"

"Nay, it is nothing but the bubbles escaping their confines. You are superstitious, Elrohir, and you never paid attention to your lessons. It is a matter of air pressure."

"Bah, what do you know of alchemy?" Elrohir scoffed. "Open it some more and we will test its fumes."

Elladan twisted his fingers to the right, but the lid was stuck fast.

Elrohir plucked the bottle from his hands. "Who pays no attention? That was the wrong direction." He deftly twisted the cap counter clockwise and lifted the cap off the spout. His false courage failed him. "I do not trust it. It makes a noise like a fire."

"That is only the bubbles breaking on the surface." Elladan lowered his head and sniffed the air above the opening. "It does not smell of any poison I know of. It tickles my nose, though."

Elrohir inhaled even more cautiously. "I doubt Orcs could craft something so complex as this locking cap. Mayhap it is safe. Will you sample it?"

Elladan swished the fizzing fluid experimentally. Now that the bottle was open, he was not so certain. "We should test it on something. An animal, perhaps?"

"That would be cruel!"

Elladan thought for a moment. "I know. Let's get Legolas to try it. He'll drink it. He likes everything!"*

Elrohir pondered this. It was true that their dear friend, as befitted a denizen of Mirkwood, was not one to turn down a drink. It was also true that Legolas, as a full Elf, and an extraordinarily fit one at that, would be less susceptible to any ill effects from the strange brew. He nodded and the twins set off to find Legolas.

They found him sitting under a tree in the garden, reading a book of Second Age battle tactics and looking stunning in a pale green tunic and grey leggings, with his hair loose around his shoulders in a curtain of gold. The twins gave almost identical smiles when they spotted him there. Elladan approached, with the bottle concealed behind his back.

"Legolas, friend, we brought you a treat."

Legolas looked up from his reading and smiled. "Elladan, you are a welcome distraction from all this study." He placed the tome to one side, then raised an elegant dark eyebrow when he noticed Elladan's hands behind his back. "What sort of treat do you offer?" He looked to Elrohir's face. "You two have some sort of surprise planned, don't you?"

Elrohir merely shrugged and attempted to look ingenuous.

Legolas frowned. While he was in the mood for a diversion, he was not in the mood for the twins' complicated games. "Whatever you are up to, you may forget it at once. I have proved myself time and again. I can correctly identify you when I am blindfolded, gagged, upside down and bound to the bed with both hands tied behind my back. That is not a game I wish to pursue any longer." Besides, his wrists were still a bit tender from the night before.

"No bindings, no blindfolds, we promise." Elladan revealed the bottle. "We just thought you might like to try this new libation."

Legolas's frown deepened, and he looked at the bottle warily. "What is it?"

"Um, we're not exactly sure…"

"We just found it. It smells alright."

"Probably harmless."

Legolas's frown turned to a scowl. "Experiment on someone else."

"Just a little taste, Legolas. Come one, you know you want to." Elladan held the bottle out with an innocent smile.

Legolas took the bottle and sniffed suspiciously. "Smells sweet," he muttered. He picked up a curled leaf from the grass beside him and poured a little of the liquid into the shallow cup it made. "Doesn't seem to harm the leaf."

Elladan squatted beside him. "We have no idea what it is, but the bubbles are intriguing are they not?"

Legolas motioned him to be still and placed the leaf carefully on the grass. He let out an airy whistle in three short bursts followed by one long one, and within moments a bird landed on the ground beside him. The bird pecked at the little puddle in the leaf and tilted its head back with a jerking motion. It chirped a few times, then hopped to the side and flew away. Legolas picked up the bottle.

"We are wounded by your actions, Legolas," Elrohir declared dramatically as he flopped down to the grass on Legolas's other side. "You would have faith in the judgement of a bird before you would trust us?"

Legolas smiled as he raised the spout to his lips. "That bird, yes. It is a type of thrush we use in Mirkwood to detect spider venom in foods."

"Clever as well as beautiful," Elladan hummed. "I knew there was a reason I liked you so much."

Legolas gave him a sharp look of reproach. "Elladan, please, we are in the middle of your father's garden." He let a few drops of the brown liquid flow into his mouth and made a critical little ‘hmmm' noise, then took a larger sip. "Quite sweet," he announced. "A bit like caramel." He took another mouthful and held it in for a moment, swirling his tongue around it before swallowing delicately. "I declare it safe for consumption. It is your turn."

Elladan accepted the bottle and took a healthy swig. Sweet, sharp, bursting with flavour yet strangely bland at the same time. "T'would taste better chilled," he said as he passed the bottle to his brother.

Elrohir took a more cautious sip. "The taste is rather thick, but the bubbles cut through the syrupiness nicely." He and his brother passed the bottle back and forth a few times before handing it back to Legolas.

"This is no wine." Legolas said between sips. "I detect no spirits in it at all, but it does seem to have an intoxicating effect. Do you suppose it has a medicinal purpose?"

The twins shrugged and watched, engrossed, as Legolas tilted his sculpted jaw line up, and poured more of the contents down his throat. The undulation of his long, pale throat as he swallowed was mesmerizing.

When Legolas finished drinking, he wiped his lips with the back of his hand. "Most refreshing," he concluded. He licked his lips, and Elladan was reminded of Legolas's tongue on his nipple the night before. He shook his head at the inappropriate thought. The middle of the garden on a sunny afternoon was not the place to be indulging in such extravagance. Elladan was usually adept at separating his nighttime activities from the waking hours.

Elrohir caught a strand of fine, gold hair between his fingers. It felt even silkier than it had the night before, sliding between his fingers. Strange that it would change so much overnight. He looked at Legolas's skin and found that it, too, seemed even softer than ever before, and so reached to touch a high cheekbone. "You are most fair, dear friend."

Legolas ignored this in favour of another drink of the sweet brown liquid.

Elladan was seized by the desire to drink the intoxicating liquid from a more arousing cup. He handed the bottle to Elrohir and pushed Legolas down on the soft grass.

"Elladan, I seem to be lying down suddenly," the Mirkwood Elf observed.

"I know," Elladan purred. "That's the way I like you best."

Legolas gazed up at him adoringly, while Elladan pushed fine silk up his slim torso and tugged at the lacings on soft leggings. "I wish to enjoy this particular vintage from the finest vessel in all Middle Earth." He bent to give Legolas's exposed belly a quick kiss.

Legolas giggled in a most un-Elvish manner. His hand flew up to cover his mouth. "What is in that drink?" he asked, vainly attempting to maintain some level of control.

"I don't know," Elrohir growled in his ear, "but I like what it does." He guided Legolas's hand to the hard ridge of his leggings and sighed when fingers stroked him through the rich, black velvet. "Elladan, stop licking his stomach and give him some more."

Legolas opened his mouth willingly and allowed Elladan to pour in another measure of the sweet mystery brew. It tingled in his throat when he swallowed, and spread a prickling sensation down through his belly to his cock. Make that ‘hard cock'. However had that happened?

The sugary taste of the brew was followed by the richer taste of Elrohir's mouth. He sucked greedily at the slippery tongue and nipped at ripe, red lips.

Elladan lifted the half-full bottle and drizzled a bit of the liquid onto Legolas's flat belly. It pooled in the indent of his navel, making goose bumps pop up on the smooth skin around it. He ducked his head down to lap up the sugary sweetness there. And to sip the brown fluid as well. Elladan moaned when he felt Legolas's muscles ripple beneath his tongue, and felt the insistent head of Legolas's cock nudge his chin as it tried to wrest itself free from the soft leggings.

"Ai, this brew is potent," Legolas sighed against Elrohir's lips. "I feel as if I am flying."

"I think that may be a result of my brother's clever mouth," Elrohir chuckled. "But I agree about the potion, it has a most stimulating effect." He grunted shamelessly as strong fingers thrust under his waistband and gripped his hard shaft. His whole body was aflame, tingling from ten thousand singing nerves. Legolas's hand on his cock was the perfect harmony.

Elladan pulled the grey material entirely off and swallowed Legolas's cock whole, humming around the thick flesh. Nothing would compliment the sweetness of the drink as well as the sweetness of Legolas's taste. Of that he was sure. Of that he was correct, as well. Without taking his mouth off the hot shaft, he pushed his brother up to kneel at Legolas's shoulder. Elrohir did so, more than willingly, and soon found Legolas's eager fingers replaced by his enthusiastic lips.

Legolas, who had consumed as much of the drink as the other two combined, writhed under Elladan's knowing touch and suckled furiously on the other twin's cock. He could not get enough of the half-Elves. When Elladan finally slid a finger inside him he cried out around the hard shaft.

"Ai, Legolas, he likes it," Elladan sniggered, entranced by the way sleek hips pushed up and forced his finger deeper. Long, pale legs shuddered as Legolas squirmed on his finger impatiently. Elladan licked the glistening drops that clung to the pink head of his cock. That they tasted better than the brown drink did not dull his appreciation for the drink in the bottle, since without the effects of the mysterious potion he would have never experienced Legolas like this, out in the open, in broad daylight, naked on the grass. "By the Valar, is he not beautiful like this?"

"It's the way his hips move…" Elrohir choked out. He watched as Elladan added a second finger and Legolas ground against them. "I think he needs more, though."

Elladan nodded and knelt between widespread thighs. He twisted his wrist, enjoying the look of ecstasy on his brother's face when Legolas moaned around his cock. "Have you ever seen him this wanton?"

"Never," Elrohir shook his head, and then shook his whole body. "Not unless he was tied up. Oh, please, Legolas, do that again, yes that one!" He panted, helpless under the assault. "Elladan, ‘tis unreal. His tongue is made of fire, and his throat grips me so." The throat in question pulsed around the head of his cock. "Ai, Elbereth, this is too much!"

Indeed, Elladan had seen their fair lover do many things, but he had never seen Legolas swallow a cock that deep before. He watched the Mirkwood Elf's cheek hollow as he drew the shaft in further. Elrohir's cries rose in pitch and volume when Legolas drew back and swirled his tongue around the head. Then Legolas pulled his mouth off Elrohir for a few seconds. "Elladan, you have stopped!" he hissed, before latching back onto the cock with a new fury.

Elladan muttered an apology and slipped in a third finger. The response made his cock leap, for Legolas spread his legs wide and dug his heels into the grass, lifting his tight ass off the ground and offering it to him. When he scissored his fingers he was rewarded by stomach muscles that rippled and formed solid ridges as Legolas bucked wildly. He had to get his cock inside fast, before Legolas spent. He looked around for something the ease the way.

"Elladan, hurry!" Legolas urged between mouthfuls of Elrohir.

"I don't have anything, and I don't want to hurt you."

The tight ring of muscle pulsed around his fingers.

"I don't care!"

"But I do!"

Elrohir fell to the side onto his elbow and craned his neck. "Here, brother, let me help you." He clamped his lips over the head of Elladan's cock.

Legolas's eyes widened and wriggled madly on Elladan's fingers. The sight of Elrohir's sloppy licking and sucking made him ache to be filled. He moaned around Elrohir's cock, which made Elrohir moan around Elladan's cock in return, and the vibrations drove Elladan into a frenzy. He pulled his now wet cock out of his brother's mouth.

"Thank you, I owe you, brother," he groaned and positioned himself at Legolas's opening.

Legolas reached down with one hand and gripped Elladan's hip, tugging him forward. He slipped his mouth off Elrohir's cock during the moment of penetration, as he did not wish to inadvertently clamp down on it. Once Elladan was fully seated he went back to his sucking. Elladan lifted Legolas's legs over his hips and drove into the Mirkwood Elf repeatedly. Legolas could barely keep his mouth on Elrohir's cock, the way Elladan was fucking him so hard. Long, deep thrusts stroked him inside deliciously, and he yelped when a hot mouth descended onto him.

"By the Valar, I've never seen anything like it!" Elladan grunted when his brother curved down and took Legolas in his mouth. He rocked his hips steadily and listened to the loud slurps and muffled moans. Out in the open, in the garden, in the middle of the day. He didn't care about that, though. All he cared about was tight heat surrounding his cock and the glorious sight of his two favourite Elves pleasuring each other.

Elrohir was the first to come. Legolas followed shortly after, and Elladan succumbed to the pulsing heat seconds later. The three fell into a heap, six long legs entwined, six hands petting and caressing.

"That was…"

"No, it was…"

"What was in that drink?"

In time, after they untangled their limbs and dressed, they recapped the bottle. Legolas thanked the brothers and bid them a good afternoon, leaving the garden to return the book to the library. Elladan and Elrohir lay together under the tree, eyeing the innocent looking drink.

"So what do you suppose it is?"

"Obviously it's an aphrodisiac."

"But where did it come from?"

"Does it matter?"

"How much is left over?"

Elladan surveyed the bottle. "Hmmm, I'd say just enough for tonight. Do you suppose Legolas will be up for it?"

Elrohir grinned. "He's always up for it."

---

*I suppose an inverse debt of sorts is also owed to those 1970's Life cereal TV ads starring ‘Mikey' who, contrary to bizarre yet enduring urban legend, did NOT die of a freak overdose of Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola.

*****

THE END

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to: Haleth