Lost

Lost

Posted: April 20, 2007
Title: Lost
Author: Decadence and Sileya
Fandom: Real Person Fiction
Type: RPS
Characters: Craig/Karl
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: We don’t know them, and we don’t claim to. We just like their faces and names.
Beta: sileya

Summary: Exhausted by unrequited love, Craig makes plans to go home, leaving his best friend behind.

*****

Karl stood in the doorway, head cocked to one side in confusion as he watched Craig licking envelope after envelope. "What in the hell are you doing?" he asked, voice incredulous.

"Holidahhh thardthhh..." Craig mumbled around the point of the envelope flap. Talking made his lips move funny though, and he ended up with a paper cut just in the corner of his mouth. "Damn."

Forehead crinkling, Karl stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets. "What did you do? Cut yourself?" he asked, shaking his head. "Couldn't you have gotten self-seal envelopes?"

Dabbing at the corner of his lips, Craig frowned. "It's not the same. This reminds me of Christmas at home." Craig's eyes flicked over Karl's relaxed stance. "You home for the day?"

Karl shrugged. "Yeah, half day at the office. American Thanksgiving."

A finely arched eyebrow lifted in question. "You're not baking one of those ugly birds, are you? That's rather archaic."

"Nah." Karl shook his head, leaning against the door frame. "I'll probably order pizza, I guess. Sit in front of the telly. You have any plans?" he asked his roommate.

A nodded head indicated another stack of envelopes. "A few more of these, and then a long hot soak in the tub. Work was awful today."

"What happened?" Karl asked, honestly concerned.

"Last minute marketing push to get the new product out before Black Friday," Craig lamented, adding a postage stamp to the growing pile of completed envelopes. Shaking his head, he added, "I quit."

"Your job?" Karl asked in disbelief.

"Yes." Craig grumbled. "Didn't need it anyway. And I'm going back to New Zealand after the New Year."

His roommate's eyes got even bigger. "What? And when were you going to share this little tidbit of information?" Karl asked, upset and even a little angry.

"My lease is paid through June. I figured you'd be happy to be on your own once more," Craig offered meekly. "At least you wouldn't have an old fogey like me cramping your style."

"Craig!" Karl protested. "We've been here together for four years! And you're just up and going with no explanation?" More hurt was showing in his voice now.

How could he admit that he couldn't stand living in the same apartment with the man he loved when there was no chance for a relationship? "I was going to tell you," Craig whispered, licking another envelope.

Karl's face crumpled as he shifted from foot to foot. "How can you leave me like this, mate? College, grad school, moving to America...now this? Why?"

"You've got Gina," Craig stated defensively. "I'm not leaving you here alone."

Rolling his eyes, Karl grabbed the other kitchen chair, turned it around and sat down. "Christ, Craig. You've never liked Gina. Why make like you do now? Are you going to tell me why you're leaving or not?"

Craig was almost embarrassed to admit his secret dream career to Karl, but he knew he had to in order to make the other man understand. "I got offered a play, okay?"

Karl blinked. That was possibly the last thing he expected to hear. "A play?" he asked cautiously. He didn't remember Craig being involved in theater since undergrad.

"Yeah - a chance to be on stage. It's in a theatre in Auckland, and I've decided to give it a chance." Craig licked another envelope, refusing to meet Karl's gaze.

"Give it a chance?" Karl asked quietly, a little lost. "Why haven't you said anything before now?"

"It was rather sudden," Craig whispered. "I just got the call last week. I've been trying to think of a way to tell you, and you've been gone so often..."

Karl was still looking at Craig, feeling awfully lost. He had been gone a lot lately, working, seeing Gina...but Craig usually spoke up when he wanted Karl around for something. It occurred to him that Craig hadn't spoken up about wanting his company in some time. Karl's chest ached. He missed his friend. Already. Finally he said, "I already miss you."

Craig met Karl's gaze then, seeing the confusion and hurt in his best friend's eyes. "I'm sorry. I just didn't know what to tell you."

"I...I wish I'd known sooner. Maybe...maybe you could have found something here," Karl said in a small voice, hunched over the chair.

Craig snorted. "Too much of my Kiwi accent still intact to merit a play here." He reached across, laying his hand on Karl's shoulder. "And I'm not leaving tomorrow. I'll be around for over a month, yet."

Karl looked up at his best friend, heart hurting. "So you'll be here for Christmas?" he asked quietly. They'd made a habit of being together the last several years since it was usually too expensive to fly home.

"Yeah - Christmas and the New Year as well. My flight is on the 4th." Craig had the strongest urge to hug his friend at that moment, but was unsure of how it would be taken after the news he'd sprung on Karl.

Real upset registered on Karl's face - Craig already had his plane ticket? He dropped his eyes to the floor, at a loss for what to say. He didn't want Craig to go. Not at all.

Craig gave in to his urge, rising from the chair at the small table and approaching Karl slowly. He leaned over his friend from behind, wrapping his arms around the warm, sturdy body of the other man.

Karl's shoulders slumped even more as Craig hugged him. His best friend was leaving him...leaving him! And it already hurt badly...how would he feel on the 4th, watching a plane take off with Craig on it? When he possibly would never see him again? He squeezed his eyes shut and placed his hands over Craig's, as if he could hold him and keep him here.

Linking their fingers together, Craig closed his eyes, keeping the tears at bay. This was the closest he'd been to Karl in over a year...since he first realized he loved his friend in a nonplatonic manner. It broke his heart to do this to his truest friend, but he saw no way around it.

Heartsick, Karl just couldn't imagine not having Craig in his life. "What am I gonna do?" he said in a voice clogged with unshed tears. "You've always been here for me."

"You're strong, mate," Craig whispered, mouth just above Karl's ear. "You've always been the strong one - the brave one - the leader. You'll carry on."

"But I always knew you were here for me!" Karl blurted without thinking.

"And I still will be," Craig sighed. "I'll always be a phone call away. There's e-mail, too. We can keep in touch." Just not the way I want to keep in touch, he added internally.

Sitting up against Craig, pushing him back, Karl turned in the chair and stopped suddenly - their lips only a few inches apart. "It's not the same," he breathed. He knew now he's been taking Craig for granted...and he hated himself for it. It might be the reason his best friend was leaving.

Karl's breath wafted across Craig's lips, and he inhaled deeply, the sweet taste intoxicating him. His eyes flicked from Karl's darkened ones to his soft lips and back again. "No - it won't be the same, but it'll have to do."

The trail of Craig's eyes and the slight shaking in his voice caught Karl's attention, and he studied the other man more closely. Could Craig possibly...testing, Karl turned up his chin to look him in the eye, which brought their lips almost together.

Craig didn't dare to breathe, instead choosing to back away a fraction of an inch. He would not force himself on his best friend and roommate.

Karl's eyes widened. He had expected one of two responses from Craig - either a light, friendly kiss or an obvious jerk away, with a laugh to soften the rejection. But Craig did neither. "Is there nothing left here in America for you?" Karl murmured, tilting his chin slightly to the side, purposely bringing their lips close again. He was starting to suspect...and long-buried dreams about his best friend were starting to surface.

"Nothing that's available to me," Craig answered in a low voice, wondering at the game Karl was playing.

"Available?" Karl asked softly, eyes moving over Craig, allowing himself to look at him the way he had years ago when they first met - and Craig hadn't noticed him at all besides as a buddy.

"Not previously claimed," Craig clarified, not seeing the way Karl studied him.

Karl's full lips twisted slightly. "Claimed in what way?" he asked. When they'd first become roommates as freshmen in college, they had become fast friends. Karl had been experimenting quite a bit, sharing with Craig as they compared experiences - and he had fallen hard. But Craig had never shown any interest in him...had something happened to change his mind?

"Taken. Part of a couple. Not free to be with me." Craig was growing exasperated, wondering why Karl kept asking him to repeat something that hurt him so badly.

The long dormant hopes were fairly well crushed under early disappointment and years of time, but Karl could still see what had originally made him fall for Craig. "Is that the reason you're leaving?" he dared to ask, noting that the other man hadn't moved away, their lips still almost brushed.

Craig dared to meet Karl's gaze fully. "There's no particular reason I'm leaving," he answered. "Just not enough reasons to stay."

That cut Karl to the quick, and he was sure the hurt flashed in his eyes before he looked down, breaking the near contact. He wasn't enough reason for Craig to stay. Craig couldn't be any clearer. He must have imagined it. And now, hurt and feeling shot down as well, Karl felt pretty well miserable.

Craig stepped back when Karl broke the tentative contact. "Oh yeah - Gina called. She'll be here for dinner." He watched Karl for any signs of affection, not expecting to see anything different than common.

Instead of acknowledging Craig, Karl shrank into the chair, pulling one knee up against his chest and setting his forehead against it.

Craig stood for a few long moments, watching and waiting. Finally, he sighed deeply, gathering up his cards. "I'll be in my room. I'll stay out of your way."

Arms clasped around his knee, Karl didn't dare look up. He didn't want Craig to see his tears as he wondered when...if...he could have ever done anything differently to change this horrible ending.

Craig felt like a teenager again in all of the awkward, terrible ways. He was unsure of himself. He found himself stretched out on his bed, chest hitching as he scrubbed furiously at his eyes.

Unable to deal with it any longer, Karl got up and went to the kitchen, found a bottle of whiskey and a glass, and grabbed the cordless. As he poured his first drink, he called Gina and told her not to come over. She didn't react well, so he told her to piss off and hung up, truly not caring. Tossing the phone on the table, he took his bottle and glass to his room, shutting the door quietly behind him.

==

Checking in the oven, Karl thought the rolls could use a few more minutes. The roast with all the fixings was sitting in the large roasting pan on the back of the stove, while a couple other pans steamed lightly.

Craig wandered past the open doorway into the kitchen, backing up to do a double take as Karl pulled an oven mitt off his hand. "What are you doing?"

Karl glanced to the door before he took the top off a pan and started stirring. "Cooking dinner," he said casually.

"Gina coming over?" Craig tried to ask casually, suddenly realizing he hadn't seen her in a few weeks.

Karl didn't answer for a long minute as he stirred. "She made other plans," he finally said, moving to stir the next pot.

Craig stood frozen in the doorway as he realized Karl had been home nearly every night for the past month. "Have you been ill?" He felt foolish asking, but he had no way of knowing for sure. The other man didn't speak to him more than necessary anymore.

Karl turned as he reached to grab the oven mitt again. "No, I'm fine. Are you hungry?" he asked, pulling out a cookie sheet of browned rolls.

The sweet smell of yeast rolls wafted across the room, drawing Craig inside the kitchen. "You made all of this for yourself? Big appetite," he tried to joke.

"I made it for us," Karl said, looking up at the other man. "You don't work on weekends, and the restaurants are full, so..." he shrugged.

"I don't work at all anymore," Craig reminded Karl, flinching when he remembered their previous conversation about the subject. "But thank you for going to all of this trouble. It smells delicious. Want me to set the table?"

"Sure," Karl actually smile, perking up. "I'll start putting stuff together."

Craig took the red tablecloth and laid the table with the nice bone china. He lit a few candles and dimmed the lights, hoping that the feel would be romantic, but not overtly so. He wanted to enjoy these last couple of weeks with Karl.

Walking in carrying the heavy cast iron roasting pot, Karl carefully set it on the trivets on the table before pulling off the top. A steaming roast, fork tender, sat inside surrounded by potatoes, onions and carrots. Karl disappeared back into the kitchen with the top.

Craig's mouth watered at the scents wafting from the roasting pan, and he leaned over it to inhale deeply. Who knew Karl could cook like this? He'd lived with the other man for years now, and he was just finding out the little things like this. What else had he missed about the younger Kiwi?

Karl re-entered the room, carrying three bowls that he sat on the table - green beans, gravy and sage dressing - and right back to the kitchen he went.

Eyes widening, Craig wandered into the kitchen behind Karl. "Can I help?"

The taller man was tossing the rolls into another bowl. "You can get the butter from the fridge," he said, snagging a handful of serving spoons. "And drinks?"

"Beer or...wine." Craig made up his mind, grabbing the butter, a nice, chilled bottle of wine, and hooking his fingers beneath two stem glasses. He made his way back into the dining room, settling the butter on the table before uncorking the wine and pouring them both a liberal amount of drink.

Karl was digging a large fork into the roast, leaning over the pot, steam curling around his face. He starting loading up the two plates with meat, potatoes and more.

Craig sat down, enjoying the domesticity they shared. He looked up at Karl, seeing the slight curl of the long hair that hung over his forehead, exaggerated by the steam. His fingers itched to push it back, and for once, he allowed his body to obey its impulses, reaching up and touching the silken strands just long enough to push them behind a delicate ear.

Eyes flickering up in surprise, Karl didn't move at all, his heart jumping at the soft touch. He'd barely spoken or even seen Craig the past few weeks, scared to talk, scared to feel.

A soft smile crossed Craig's face as Karl's eyes met his. He'd missed this. Their relationship had been so strained and uncomfortable lately. He'd thought maybe Karl had sussed out his feelings for him, but he was relieved to know that they could still be close, in spite of the growing feelings in his heart for Karl.

Relieved, Karl smiled back as they shared a moment like they used to - just companionable, warm and reassuring. His racing pulse was new...but he welcomed it. He offered Craig one of the plates heavy with food.

Taking the plate, Craig ate heartily, complimenting Karl on the delicious food from time to time, and looking up to sneak peeks at the other man. He drained his wine, refilling his glass once more and knowing he'd likely be tipsy before evening's end, but willing to take the risk.

Karl grinned, accepting the compliments and reminding Craig that he had taken those cooking classes, if he remembered? The banter was easy, and Karl realized just how much he missed it.

After the food was done, Craig urged Karl to go relax and watch the telly while he cleaned the kitchen. Half an hour later, he found Karl lounging on the sofa, feet propped on the coffee table. Sitting beside Karl, he leaned close, like they used to, and rested against his friend's side. Oh - how he wished he could do this in the way he really wanted to.

Taking his wine with him and finally relaxing, Karl was sprawled on the couch when Craig came in and joined him. What surprised him the most was how much his chest ached at the thought of losing this. "Didja get enough?" he asked quietly.

Craig's heart raced at the thought of answering 'there's no such thing as enough of you', but realized that he'd best leave well-enough alone. Especially when he'd be leaving soon, and Karl hadn't asked him to stay. Instead, he answered, "I couldn't eat another bite. It was lovely. Thanks for cooking."

"I was glad to. I should cook more..." his voice trailed off as he realized what he was saying. Frowning slightly, he took another drink of wine.

"You could host dinner parties. I won't be in the way, yelling at you to turn the music down," Craig offered hopefully.

"Wouldn't be the same without you, mate," Karl murmured, looking at Craig fondly.

"You could come home, too," Craig suggested in a low voice, meeting Karl's gaze. "We don't have to separate."

For a second, Karl was ready to jump at the chance - but then reality set back in. He couldn't leave his job, although for a wild moment... "I wish I could," he whispered.

Karl's answer made it apparent that he wouldn't be joining Craig on the flight back to Zid. Craig slumped slightly next to Karl as he realized that this might be the last time the two of them would feel comfortable enough to lounge like this. His heart ached. "What will I do without you?" he asked in a small voice before lifting his glass to drain it.

Staring across the table, Karl's eyes gave away his sadness. "If you figure it out, let me know," he said quietly.

==

December passed too fast. It was suddenly Christmas, and all the holiday spirit and snow and fun couldn't totally brighten the shadow Karl felt hanging over him. Then New Year's Eve - it had seriously broken his heart to see Craig across the room, kissing some of their mutual friends, when the clock struck midnight. Karl wanted it to be him. He'd gone home, slipping out before Craig noticed, and laid in bed, crying silent, pained tears.

And now, it was January 4. And he was stoically driving Craig to the airport at oh-my-God-o'clock in the morning. Craig had tried to insist on taking a cab, but Karl wouldn't, couldn't allow it. If he was going to be cowardly enough to let Craig go, he would punish himself by watching the best friend he'd ever leave him. Best friend, and the man he loved more than anyone, Karl could now admit.

Craig's eyes were sad. They'd been sad for weeks now, but nobody seemed to notice. And now the man he desired above all others was taking him to the airport. He sighed as he gazed out the window. Not only taking him to the airport, but making sure he got there by taking him himself.

The closer they got to the airport, the stronger the urge got for Karl to just turn the truck around and take Craig right back home where he belonged. But Craig didn't want to stay. Karl gritted his teeth against the tears that threatened. Fuck. He was acting like a baby. He pressed his lips together as he drove into the short term lot, got a ticket, and found a parking space.

Gripping his carry-on bag with white hands, Craig took a deep breath. "Thank you for bringing me. You didn't have to." Reaching for the door, he added, "The moving company should pick up my boxes on Wednesday."

Karl stared across the seat at Craig, his hands curled tightly around the steering wheel. He felt more and more like screaming. Begging. Crying. Whatever it would take to get Craig to stay. "I'll...I'll help with the bags," he said hoarsely, climbing out of the driver's side and heading to the back.

As Karl came around to get his bags, Craig couldn't move. He was frozen in his spot, head lowered, tears streaming from his eyes. He couldn't make himself open the door.

Pulling open the door, Karl stopped still as he noticed Craig was hunched. "Craig?" he asked quietly. "Craig?" he asked again, more worried as he thought he saw his friend shake.

Craig remained silent, refusing to look up so Karl wouldn't see how hard this was on him. Karl should think it was easy for him to leave...not that he was harboring a hidden love for his best friend.

"Craig?" Karl said again, really getting worried. "Are you okay?" His voice broke, finally, and unable to stop it, Karl just choked on his next breath, dropping his head as he gripped the door handle so hard his knuckles turned white.

Reaching blindly for Karl's hand, Craig sobbed audibly. "I can't - I can't do this...Don't make me..."

Karl absolutely broke - he leaned in and clutched Craig close, curling his arms around him tightly as hot, silent tears slid from his eyes. "I don't want to make you do anything..." Karl forced out, words catching and breaking. "Just want you to stay. Stay with me. Oh God, Craig, please don't leave me..."

Craig shuddered in Karl's arms, raising a tear-stained face and pressing his lips to Karl's wet mouth.

Soft cries muffled by their kiss, Karl shuddered and kissed Craig desperately, one hand reaching up to gently slide against his cheek. Their lips pulling apart, he slid to one knee on the concrete, laying his head against Craig's knee and finally breaking down into the painful grief he'd been holding back for weeks.

Craig's tears fell anew at the sight of the grief he was causing his best friend. His hand finally pulled away from the handle on his bag to thread into Karl's thick hair. "I don't want to go," Craig whispered hoarsely, petting Karl's head and murmuring over and over.

Moving an arm to curl it around Craig's leg, Karl couldn't say anything else but "Please don't leave me," miserably.

Reaching down to pull Karl up, Craig slid over to the center of the truck, pulling Karl to sit near him. "I won't leave you," he promised, holding Karl as tightly as he could.

Karl just held on as tight as he could. "Never lettin' you go. Too close...too close..."

Craig pulled back long enough to swipe at his face. Taking another deep breath, he whispered, "I love you..."

Hiccuping and gasping, Karl kissed Craig again and again, his lips, his cheeks, his eyes, frantic. "Love you, oh Christ, Craig, love you," he whispered between kisses.

Grinning madly, Craig reached for his plane ticket, asking, "Do you think we could use this for vacation? Change the dates - go home to visit?" He basked in Karl's kisses, never wanting them to stop.

Karl's grin was huge and his eyes were bright. "Yeah, we could - cause I'm not letting you outta my sight. Ever!" he said, kissing Craig again. "Christ," he said, voice breaking. "I almost lost you. I almost let you go."

"I almost went," Craig added in a tremulous voice. "God - we were both stupid!" He nearly laughed hysterically.

"I thought you wanted to go," Karl said miserably. "You said there wasn't enough to stay for."

"I said there was nothing available to stay for," Craig reminded Karl. "You weren't available."

"Oh Christ," Karl choked, lowering his face to Craig's shoulder, clutching at him.

Craig held Karl again, so tightly he'd never let him go. "Doesn't matter now," he murmured.

"I'd have been lost without you," Karl whispered.

"I wouldn't have been me without you," Craig smiled, wiping gently at the tracks on Karl's face.

*****

THE END

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