Dark Judgement 13

Dark Judgement

Part 13 - Black Heart

Posted: July 18, 2008

*****

Moving forward took a long time. My love for Maglor grew every day and I wanted nothing more than the simple assurance that it would be forever. Nienna laughed when I asked this for us both and said that I still risked going back through the Door.

Like a heavy veil, the Door of Night has been held over my being and existence. The effect on the one I adore has been incalculable and he fears to love me with the same intensity that I do him. He does not know how much more he can lose, without forever closing within himself and dying forever inside. Little by little, we change; it comes insidiously as if in the darkness and takes possession of us, so that we dare to hope and then to avoid what we perceive as inevitable, we draw back, fearing to reveal the true nature of our hearts, even to ourselves.

My heart is as black as the most hidden places in the dead of night. There is one tiny spark of redeeming brightness and that is Maglor. I do not hope that my heart will ever become full of light, because I revel in my capacity for evil. My past deeds are a source of joy and comfort to me because that was when I controlled my own destiny. How can a heart be full of light when one does not have the freedom or self-will to determine the course of achieving such a wondrous state of being, or even choose for it to become like that? Not for me, is granted the freewill to choose my own destiny and in conditions like that, one tends to hold onto the past, holding it in a far higher regard and with a greater tenacity than it deserves.

I will not let my inner-self go, and I would not risk losing who I am to do so. I know the game and I know the rules; my life and existence is ever dependent on whether I choose to follow them or not. I am continuously watched and always will be. It would be madness to do anything other than to abide by their regulations. I would do anything not to lose the one who is so dear to me and so I will play their game most wholeheartedly, as if I am willing to do so.

My compliance has worked before and I have no doubt that it will work again. Only this time there is no Middle-earth for me to conquer and Valinor would be impossible to overthrow. The Valar are far mightier than I am and it would be madness indeed to try opposing them. There is another reason for not doing anything other than their bidding. Melkor betrayed my trust in him; how delicious would it be, if he were to be told that I was now wholeheartedly compliant and agreeable to their plans for my redemption. How I hate Melkor. I do not try to deny or minimise my willingness to be seduced by him, or that I carried out the most egregious acts in his name. However, his betrayal made me starkly aware that all my life working for him on Middle-earth, slavishly following his direction that I conquer in his name, was based on nothing more than a lie. It was time wasted. I could have been doing evil for myself, and in my own name, and had a lot more satisfaction in doing so.

Now I am living for myself and for Maglor. He is included in my embryonic plans, where I visualise living somewhere quietly with him as my mate. I can dream of being evil, whilst spending the day doing all the things that those who have innocent hearts do. Who knows, Maglor may actually lead me to a more virtuous existence and be the source of emancipation from the limiting beliefs that so fascinate me. Whatever happens, I know one thing that will be forever true, I can feel no evil when I am by Maglor’s side; his goodness flushes my fëa with light and I become almost weightless with the joy he infuses in me. I want to shower him with adoration and love him with all my being. It is impossible for me to be wicked when I am with my only one and all my thoughts are directed at making him feel happy, contented and safe. He deserves that from me at least.

Nienna has spent much time with us of late and I have been gifted with being able to sort through elves memories and change them for the better, so that they do not carry grief and terror around with them anymore. I find it immoral, but who am I to make such a judgement? Nienna was most forceful on this point and said that it was because of me that some elves needed their memories altering. Surely, if they can come to terms with what has happened, that is better than having periods of no recollection. It would be truly terrible if my part in the histories of Middle-earth was wiped from living memory, not just for reasons of vanity either, although I admit that does play a large part in my reaction to the plan. If we wipe out an entire collective memory from the general consciousness, then we do not give danger the caution it deserves, and do not take care when trying to avoid it. It is like the elfling who does not learn the first time they burn their fingers on a flame and proceeds to do it again. There lies the way of stupidity, as the same mistakes are bound to be repeated again and again.

Tomorrow, I will have an elf brought before me, by Nienna, so that he can be cured of all the memories that still afflict him and make it impossible for him to enjoy his new life on Valinor. It would be more helpful to him if the Valar gave him a stronger backbone and told him to buck up. However, it is not my choice and the caring handwringers will have their day.

Who am I to disappoint them?

*****

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