Dark Judgement
Part 12 - Talking to Maglor
Posted: July 18, 2008
*****
“Maglor,” I catch his attention as he plays with the kitten the Valar have given him. I feel an almost overwhelming urge to tear it limb from limb, but that is not who I want to be anymore so I fight the irresistible pull to kill, and watch it at play. “Maglor, come and sit with me. I want to talk to you.” I pat the space on the bed next to me.
“No,” he laughs. “You always want to talk to me, but you say nothing.”
“I say a lot,” I protest, surprised at his daring insult.
“Nothing that interests me,” he giggles and I realise he is playing with me.
“Well, I am sorry if I bore you,” I say, entering the game.
Maglor is advancing well; he is a whisper away from how he was, where life was untroubled and he did not have to think about anything other than where he could procure his next meal. I only knew him after the oath, where he became a kinslayer and the darkness of his deeds troubled his fëa to the point of his acceptance of any cruelty I bestowed upon him. He is not frightened of me and that will weigh heavily in my favour when I tell him of my role in his life.
“Maglor, come and sit with me.”
He picks the kitten up and sits beside me. “Isn’t he pretty?”
The kitten is placed upon my lap; it immediately digs its claws into my leg. Once again, I am resisting the urge to kill it. “He hates you. I used to hate you as well, but you are nice now.” Maglor looks at me and smiles. “Do you think the kitten wants to go into the garden?”
I am stunned. Just how much does Maglor remember? This is a most unexpected development.
“Yes, I think we should put him in the garden and keep the door open so he can come back inside when he wants to.” I take the kitten and put him outside the door and he runs across the garden.
“Before we all died and came here, you would have killed that kitten because it loves me and you would never allow anything to love me then.” Maglor bites off the corner of his thumbnail and spits it on the floor.
“How much do you remember?” I ask, not daring to put my arm around him or hold his hand.
“I remembered nothing until Nienna told me about you. She came to see me two nights ago and told me that you held me captive for many years and did terrible things to me. She showed me what happened to you behind the Door and I felt the tears leap from my eyes. I asked Nienna why I was crying and she said that I felt your pain and suffering. You were very bad, but now you are not because what you did to me has been done to you and now you know what it feels like; that is what I think anyway.” He looks over at the wall and smiles: there is nothing there, but I can feel the judgemental and poisonous presence of Nienna anyway. “I was waiting for you to talk about it so I could tell you.”
“I do not know that I am not bad, Maglor. All I know is that I love you and I truly am sorry that I hurt you. I have no excuse for it and it would be obscene of me to offer one.” I do not care if Nienna is in the room with us; I am talking to Maglor and she does not exist if she cannot show her face.
“Nienna said that I did terrible things as well. I killed many elves, although I killed far fewer than you. It doesn’t make it right though, does it?” Maglor takes my hand.
“No, it does not make it right at all.” I take his other hand. “If only I could have seen what was before me.”
“It is of no use to talk about what could have happened,” Maglor says. “It is better to look at how we will be in the future. I feel safe with you and I know that you will never hurt me again, but I think that no other elf could be assured of this. I think that you still want to kill other elves and that you would enjoy it. Nienna say that I can stop you if you cannot stop yourself. I have a conscience even if you do not.”
Most intriguing. I was taking my time and waiting for the moment to be right and the bitch decides to do it for me. How I hate her. “I have a conscience when I think of the way I treated you, but you are right: I have no conscience about how I treated those other elves; I still do not care how I treated them. This is because I love you and not them and as you say, I would never hurt you or anything you loved.” The kitten had come back into the room; it clawed my leg and hissed at me. The damn thing was always attacking me, but as he was a test from the Valar, I did nothing.
“I feel bad about every elf I ever tortured and killed. How do I live with that? Even though I suffered and eventually died because of my evil deeds, I still feel haunted; what can I do?” Maglor looks troubled and it is unbearable.
“Come here,” I pull him to me and he sits on my lap. “You can be my conscience and I will teach you how to live with yourself. How is that?”
He nods and our lips are so close. His are slightly parted and I can see the pink tongue behind his white teeth. So tempting. Leaning slightly forward, he kisses my lips and I feel his tongue push into my mouth. This is the first time, since our captivity, that we have kissed like this and I want more. I have to let Maglor set his own pace. I break the kiss, allowing him the option to stop if he wants to, but he has other plans.
Sitting on my lap and looking at me with desire, I am lost and willing to fulfil his every wish as he breathes into my ear and tells me, with absolute certainty, that he wants more.
He can have me. He can have all of me and it will last forever.
We kiss some more and lay back on the bed, not caring that Nienna is over the other side of the room watching us.
“Did you know another name for orgasm is little death?” Maglor asks as he licks the curve of my ear. I nod that I do know of this, and he says, “You are going to die so many times, meleth, and each time you will shout out my name.”
He is right and for once, my heart is leaping with anticipation and love. I cannot wait.
*****
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