Dark Judgement 11

Dark Judgement

Part 11 - On the Nature of Suffering

Posted: July 18, 2008
Title: Dark Judgement
Author: Chaotic-Binky

*****

Time. The one constant and even that was not reliable.

Nienna informed me during one of our ‘counselling’ sessions that I had existed beyond the Door of Night for sixteen thousand years if the time was measured according to Middle-earth time. I did not know how long it was until she told me, but it had felt like an exceedingly long existence in the darkness that I now fear and dread ever returning to.
Then she informed me in her gleeful and maliciously jolly way that on the other side of the Door, the side on which the Valar reside, only ten minutes had elapsed from when I went through the door, to when I was released. So I suffered a long time and I still suffer. I suffered longer and harder than the elves I persecuted, as if my punishment was cumulative and I had to experience the full total of all that I had given every second of my existence there. If every elf’s span of time spent in my ‘care’ and the tortures they endured was added up, then there would be sixteen thousand years of dread, terror, pain, misery, agony, anguish, hopelessness and death. I state that I suffered longer because I still suffer, except now my suffering is of a different nature.

“I feel as though I have been fully punished, My Lady,” I said to Nienna. “I wonder why you continue to torture me when I have paid fully and am aware of and regret my past iniquities.”

“Why do you think?” Nienna looked at me as though I were some idiot human child who is to be indulged and fed with baby talk because they are of incomplete understanding.

“Because even though I am aware of and accept responsibility for my actions and the harm they caused, I still find it hard to empathise?” Surely, this must be the answer she wanted to hear.

“No,” Nienna replied and looked at Maglor who lay asleep. “You put every art you possessed into turning beauty into ugliness. The pure became corrupt and you encouraged the illusion of power in others to increase that of your own. Look at Maglor. How can you ever feel that you have paid for what you have done to him when he still suffers and you do not?”

“I do not suffer?” Her words angered me. ”I have suffered much, my Lady, as you are aware. I continue to suffer because of my guilt in hurting Maglor. Constantly I am frustrated because I feel unable to reach him. I dread his rejection when eventually he opens up and is horrified by what he sees.” I did not mention her arbitrary and pitiless punishments of myself, done purely on whim. It would have served no purpose save to increase her capricious ire with an exponential effect upon my suffering.

“You fear his rejection.” She laughed and nearly fell off her chair. “The Dark Lord Sauron fears rejection!” She laughed as if she might die of excess and then suddenly she stopped. “It is according to how you love Maglor as to whether you are rejected or not. Not whether you love him or not, but how. You knew this already.” She stood up and walked over to Maglor who still lay asleep after his dinner. One finger traced his brow and she smiled then stood up. “I am going now. Maglor is so sweet and innocent; it is a pity that he is the soul mate of someone who is so repulsive and as vile and repellent as the lowest form of reptile.”

Momentarily my eyes flashed with extreme anger before I controlled myself and suppressed my feelings. “You have still neither lost the ability nor the will, Sauron. Be careful.” Not waiting for an answer, she walked through the door and I was left alone with Maglor. Almost immediately, he stirred in his sleep and started screaming.

Another nightmare. I reassured him and did not allow any inflection of impatience or irritation to become evident in my voice as I did so. I stayed calm and reassuring; eventually he quietened and sobbed whilst I held him in my arms with his head against my chest.

“I love you, Maglor.” There, it was said. No going back; no retraction.

He said nothing and after a while I could hear the regular breathing of elven sleep. I laid him down on the bed and positioned myself behind him, holding him close. “Sleep now sweet one. Tomorrow we will go into the garden and play with the water and we can try and catch the rainbows in the mist.” I talked sweet things to comfort him and because I wanted to. Compassion made me feel uncomfortable as though I was not worthy of showing it and yet I recognised the power of those who could feel it and act accordingly. I was grateful for the compassion of Nienna when the elves burnt me in the showers, causing my skin to blister and fall off. She could have let me suffer, but instead she induced a sleep so that I did not suffer the agony of recovery. I had gone through enough and she knew it. I would do the same for Maglor. I would ease the agony he would someday feel when he knew the truth of my identity, but this would not be possible. Sometimes compassion tempts us to withhold the truth for all the right reasons and yet they are not the right reasons and we are only seeking to protect ourselves.

The next morning came soon enough. For the first time Maglor ate his breakfast without prompting and without my help. I had always had to wash him before but this morning he was able to do it himself. Picking up his leggings, he put them on and asked if we could go into the garden. I sat surprised and stared at him.

“You said yesterday that we could go into the garden and chase rainbows in the mist and play with the water.” Maglor smiled like an expectant child whose will is not to be refused. I opened the door, took his hand, and led him outside.

Small steps. Everyday, another small step, and already Maglor was beginning to resemble the adult elf I knew, except here he was free of all cares and worries except for the ones that invaded his dreams and disrupted his nights. Nienna told me that I would have to tell him of my role in his life and I dreaded it. I was no longer interested in hurting other elves, simply because they did not exist within my focus anymore. My whole world was Maglor; however, I could not let him live a lie and believe I was the saviour he thought I was. The truth could destroy us or set us free. I had no choice.

*****

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