Love And Pride

Love And Pride

Posted: June 2004
Title: Love and Pride
Author: Bernsteinnixe
Type: FCS
Characters: Legolas/Haldir (main), Legolas/Glorfindel
Rating: NC-17
Beta: Elvengoddess911
Notes: This is one of my more serious fics… it is an example of what can happen when we choose to feed our egos instead of our hearts :_ (

Summary: It could have been a perfect love, if only he would have swallowed his pride…

*****

Legolas gasped for breath; droplets of sweat fell from his face and onto the ground, where they mingled with the Orc blood that dripped from his knives. Never before had he fought so hard for his life. Bodies of the foul creatures lay all around him. The warrior struggled to stay on his feet for his knees trembled violently from weakness.

How he had managed to fend all of them off on his own, he did not know, nor did it matter. He struggled to gather his strength before the enemy caught him unawares. Just a few deep breaths and he could continue. Legolas wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, his face dark with blood and grime.

An urgent cry of his name made the Prince spin around. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. Not even his elven reflexes could have saved him from his impending fate. It was but a splint second in which, with a gleam of the sharp edge of a blade, his life flashed before his eyes. He sent a silent prayer to the Valar that his soul might reach Mandos, a prayer that was interrupted by another scream, a scream of pain… one that was not his own.

The Uruk-hai smiled with satisfaction as his blade pierced the Elf's side. Finally, Legolas regained his senses. Realizing what had happened, his brow furrowed with rage, and with one quick thrust of his weapon he stabbed the creature's throat.

Legolas' rescuer had fallen to his knees, and the Prince caught him just before he landed facedown on the wet ground. He gasped at the sight of the other's face as he leaned him backwards against his arm. "Haldir…" His voice was coarse and revealed surprise and confusion.

How could this be? A mélange of thoughts whirled through his mind like a storm, as he gazed upon the face of the Elf he had always hated: the cold, selfish Elf who had been willing to sacrifice his life for him. All of his long held notions about Haldir were shattered in that instant. "No, Haldir. Stay with me." said Legolas, seeing how the Marchwarden's face grew pale and his breathing shallow. "Aragorn!" he screamed, spotting the ranger nearby. "We must take him inside," he started, breathless, when the Man approached.

Seeing the severity of Haldir's wound, Aragorn shook his head, "He will not make it, Legolas, and carrying him would pose a great risk for us." In his eyes, Legolas could see that Aragorn truly did believe there was no hope— Haldir would die.

‘It cannot be true,' thought Legolas. He looked into Haldir's deep blue orbs and saw that they were unfocused, and full of pain. The body in his arms quivered, as did Haldir's lips. The Prince turned back to Aragorn, abruptly, and begged, "Please… he saved my life. I cannot bear to leave him here."

*****

(flashback)
decades earlier during Midsummer Festival in Imladris

‘This has gone on far too long, I will make my move tonight,' thought Haldir as he began to braid his hair. He had been lusting after the golden-haired Prince of Mirkwood for centuries, admiring him from afar whenever some occasion made them cross paths. He gave his hair a few more strokes with the brush for extra smoothness and straightened his silvery blue robe. The Marchwarden have himself a final, approving look in the mirror. He was strikingly handsome and he knew it. Yet, despite this knowledge, his heart began to race at the thought of approaching the Prince.

‘What am I afraid of? No other has ever rejected me before, so why should he?' Though he did not want to admit it, deep inside Haldir knew why he felt unsure: Legolas was not like the others. He was not just another Elf he could toy with and discard when he was done. He knew that if he ever tasted those honey lips he would not be able to get enough of them—there was something about Legolas that made Haldir beleive that he was the Elf he had been waiting for, and it was not just his looks: it was his kind heart and selflessness, his eloquence and charming wit. These were traits that the ‘Lorien Elf knew he somewhat lacked himself, but admired in Legolas.

He had been putting this night off for many years, waiting for some sign that Legolas was interested in him. He oft wondered what ran through Legolas' mind when the Prince measured him with expressionless emerald eyes. Haldir rewound through their numerous meetings and short, formal conversations over the years. There was no way to tell how Legolas would react to his invitation but to ask and see.

later

Haldir grew more and more nervous as the night wore on. He had been waiting for a moment when the Prince would be alone so he could approach him, but Legolas was never alone. The Marchwarden began to fear that he would not be able to talk to Legolas at all that night.

"You do not seem to be enjoying yourself, Haldir. Why are you sitting here all alo…oh." Celeborn realized what must have been troubling Haldir when he followed his gaze and saw the beautiful Prince of Mirkwood who was engaged in a conversation with Elrond. "You should go talk to him."

"I am planning on it, my Lord, but the problem is that he is never alone," Haldir said, and grew twice as anxious when Celeborn left and made his way over to where Legolas was sitting. The Lord of ‘Lorien whispered something into Elrond's ear and the two Elves retreated, after making their apologies to Legolas. Great. Now he had to go and suddenly no longer felt ready.

Haldir hoped that his trembling would not be visible, as he came nearer to his heart's desire. "Good evening, Haldir," said Legolas, initiating the conversation. "'Tis a pleasant night, is it not?"

"Aye, it is indeed," Haldir answered, though he knew that for him it had yet to be determined whether or not the night would be pleasant.

"Is something on your mind?" asked the Prince, noticing Haldir's hesitation. He had a pretty good idea as to what the 'Lorien Elf was thinking about.

"There is…"

"May I ask what it is?"

Haldir planned on bringing the subject up in a more subtle manner, but now the Prince was waiting for an answer, and he suspected that soon their privacy would be interrupted by other Elves, so he decided it was best to be straightforward. "Would you join me in my room, later tonight?" There was an unmistakable tremor in Haldir's voice when he spoke.

It was a tempting invitation for Legolas, but he would not accept it. He hated Haldir, regardless of his good looks. He was the coldest, most conceited and narcissistic Elf the Prince had ever met. He would not give Haldir the pleasure of letting himself be added to his long list of meaningless flings. Still, it proved difficult to find the right words…

"Does your heart already belong to another?" Haldir asked impatiently. The Prince's silence worried him.

"Nay, Haldir. It is free, but I will not give it to you. Besides, I know that it is not my heart you seek."

"I see," Haldir said, his voice low and disappointed as he stood to leave. "Forgive me for disturbing you."

*****

Although he felt like burying his face in a pillow and crying his eyes out, Haldir would not give Legolas the satisfaction of seeing how affected he was by the rejection. He joined his brothers who sat among a rather large group of elves singing around bonfire.

Rúmil eyed his brother with concern. Haldir had told him of his intentions, and seeing the look on his brother's face, knew that Legolas must have turned him down. He put his arm around his brother and pulled him closer, knowing better than to say anything at that moment.

Despite the weight hanging from his heart, Haldir behaved as if everything was alright: only his eyes showed his pain. It was not until he saw Legolas again, leading Glorfindel into the palace by the hand with a wicked smile on his face, that the Marchwarden broke down. His stomach clenched, his mouth went dry, and his blood felt as if it had started to boil. He rose quickly and disappeared before anyone could see the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes.

*****

Haldir felt weak for having cried. He would never have believed that something so trivial could affect him so deeply. It seemed as if life would not go on. He tried to tell himself that it was Legolas' loss, that if he did not want him he was not worthy of him in the first place… but that did not ease the pain. Legolas was not the one who was alone, with dried tears staining his face.

He could see them as he lay in his bed. Legolas' room was positioned such that it could be seen from the window. They forgot to close the curtains, and to put out the candles. He could not tear his eyes away, even though watching them caused him more pain.

The candlelight gave Legolas' skin a warm, golden glow. The Prince's hair hung loosely in the air as he threw back his head, arching his spine as his body rocked from the force of his lover's thrusts. Under other circumstances, the sight would have definitely aroused Haldir. Now it only served increase his awareness of the ache in his chest. He turned away; wishing sleep would come quickly so he could forget the heartache. He was better off not knowing…

*****

The stench of burning bodies filled the air. Haldir could have been among them. The healers said he would not last long, that his injury would more than likely prove fatal, yet with every breath he took while carrying the bodies of the slain, Legolas prayed that it would not be so.

For the first time since that night in Imladris, he wondered how Haldir had felt when he had rejected him. At the time he thought the Marchwarden would not care… that he would just move on to the next one on his list. Now he did not know what to think. Haldir had become unusually cold towards him since then. He always believed it was because he had wounded the arrogant Elf's ego, but maybe it was just a way to mask his pain. Legolas asked himself many questions, the answers to which he did not know, but one thing he knew for sure: if Haldir survived, he would give him another chance.

Chapter 2
Disclaimer: Lyrics belong to Czerwone Gitary; characters to Tolkien. I own only the plot and translation of the lyrics. No profit made.

Notes: If you want a more hopeful ending, read the lyrics at the end. They hold a message all their own. If not, skip them ;-)
Lyrics are from the song Plona Góry, Plona Lasy by Czerwone Gitary, translated from polish by me.

Anything said within *……*, is Galadriel mind speech.

Legolas stifled a yawn as the meeting drew near its end. He would rather return to the mines of Moria than sit through a tedious hour of listening to his father's advisors. Well, not really, but he did despise those meetings.

The Mirkwood Prince waited until all but his father left the room before rising from his seat. His attempt at escape was cut short when the heavy wooden doors flew open.

"Your Majesty, a small group of Elves have arrived from ‘Lórien. They say the bear an important message," said the dark haired servant who entered.

"Send them in," the King replied, wearily. He was hardly in the mood for another trade dispute.

Legolas' heart skipped a beat when he saw who walked through the doors. Haldir. Upon returning home, he had sent a letter to ‘Lórien, inquiring about what happened to the Guardian, but had not yet received a response. Not a day went by, since that night that Legolas had been saved from his death, that he had not worried himself sick wondering what happened to Haldir. Little else could compare to the joy of seeing him alive and well.

His first impulse was to run to the Silvan Elf and embrace him, to thank him for what he had done. But the cold look Haldir flashed him as he handed the scroll to Thranduil left him speechless and immobile.

"I will have my response by morning," said the King after having read the letter, "someone will be with you shortly to show you to your rooms."

Legolas felt as if someone had stabbed him through the heart when Haldir turned abruptly and left the room, without so much as another look. The Marchwarden's behavior was way beyond his understanding. The Prince would not give up that easily, however. He became determined to seek Haldir out later that evening.

*****

Legolas brought a closed fist up to knock on the door, but hesitated. ‘What will I say? How will he react?' For a moment, he felt like running back to his room; but no, he could not avoid the situation. He cared for Haldir, and had to let him know. More could be lost if kept his feelings hidden.

He knocked lightly. The door opened quickly, as if the one on the other side had been waiting.

"Good evening, your Highness," Haldir said flatly. "What brings you here?"
"I wish to speak with you. May I come in?"

"Of course." Haldir opened the door wider, allowing the Prince to step inside.

Legolas stood facing Haldir. He studied the Guardian's eyes before he began to speak, and realized that hidden within the same, cold stare he had received earlier, was pain and regret and… love.

"I want to thank you for what you did, Haldir. I…"

"There is nothing to thank me for," Haldir interrupted.

"Ai, but there is. What you did was very brave, and… it has changed the way I think about you." Legolas paused while he searched for words. "Do you remember that one night in Rivendell, on Midsummer's Eve?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"What I said to you was because I did not know you for who you are, only a false image I created in my mind. I was wrong, Haldir. I would give us another chance…"

"I seek no reward for my good deed, Prince Legolas," Haldir snorted.

Legolas cringed at the statement. "It is not meant to be a reward. I offer you a place in my heart, which I have denied you before because of my own childish stupidity."

"I do not want your heart, we have already established that years ago." Haldir's voice was bitter as he turned away.

Legolas sighed deeply, "Haldir, I made a mistake that night. I held an incorrect opinion of you, and for that I am sorry. I know now that I was wrong, I would give us a second chance."

"And how do you know you were wrong? Perhaps your previous opinion of me was the correct one."
The Prince shook his head, "You would not have risked your life for me."

"You place too much importance on that, young one. I could not watch a kinsman get slain by one of those filthy creatures, regardless of my personal feelings. Could you?"

"Nay, I could not, but I know that it was more than that for you. Why will you not swallow your pride and take my heart now that I offer it to you?"

"Because it was not, and is not your heart that I desired," Haldir said through gritted teeth. He would not let himself run into Legolas' arms now that the Prince decided he was worthy of a second chance.

"Is it my body that you desire?" Legolas asked.

Haldir forced himself to look away as the Prince began to unbutton the silk tunic that he wore. "Aye," he said; his voice almost a whisper.

"Then take it." Legolas threw the tunic to the ground and proceeded to unlace his leggings. He knew that Haldir wanted more than just his body, but if his body was all he would take, then he would offer it. Maybe, somehow, it would help the Marchwarden open up to him.

Haldir took in the sight of the naked Elf before him. Legolas was lean with perfectly toned muscles. The way his skin looked in the candlelight made him remember that night in Imladris, of the scene he saw through the window there. He had wanted so badly to be in Glorfindel's place, and now was his chance. He knew there would be no future for them, but he could not deny himself this one night. Haldir took the Elven beauty into his arms and kissed the lips he had fantasized about kissing for centuries. He poured all his love, all that was left unspoken, all that he wished he could allow himself to tell Legolas into that kiss.

Legolas found himself backed up against a wall. Haldir's hands were everywhere: his chest, his sides, his back, his buttocks. Any doubts he may have had that the Marchwarden did not care for him were washed away. Haldir's lips betrayed him, as did his touch— in its lust there was a passion, and in its urgency an unmistakable tenderness, one that could only come out of love.

Legolas held his lover's head in his hands, holding it close while Haldir kissed his neck. Every movement of the tongue sent a bolt of pleasure to his groin. It was not long before his cock was fully erect, rubbing against the fabric of Haldir's tunic.
Feeling the evidence of the Prince's arousal, Haldir rubbed himself against it, making his lover moan. "Let me undress you," Legolas whispered, but continued to hold Haldir's head firmly against his neck.

"You would have to let go of me," Haldir mumbled against soft skin. Reluctantly, Legolas let go. He rushed to pull off the Marchwarden's tunic before dropping to his knees to untie the laces of his leggings. Tantalizingly slowly, he pulled them down, watching with hunger as Haldir's erection sprang free. Once Haldir was out of his boots and leggings, Legolas returned to the leaking hardness, darting out his tongue to taste its mild sweetness.

The Prince took his time, pleasing Haldir as best he could: teasing him with quick licks and languid swirls along and around his flesh. He delighted in the low groans he caused, paying attention to which of his actions brought his lover most pleasure and repeating them often. Soon he lost patience and greedily swallowed the entire length. Haldir's breath quivered. He finally had what he always want it, yet it was so unlike how he had always imagined it, Legolas was so much more tender and attentive.

Legolas felt as if fire burned within his veins; he needed Haldir's throbbing cock inside him. He let is slide from his mouth and stood once more, giving his lover the most lust laden look imaginable. "Take me, Haldir. If you cannot love me, then at least ride me ‘til be both lose our minds." With that, he turned around, resting his hands against the cold, stone wall.

Haldir positioned his length between the presented round globes. Placing his hands on slender hips he pushed forward, slowly sheathing himself in the warmth of Legolas' body. Aye, he would ride the Prince of Mirkwood until the heavens fell down upon them, but he could not help but love him as well.

Long, unhurried thrusts stroked Legolas' channel whilst not allowing any body contact. Legolas tried to return the thrusts; he wanted to feel Haldir's body slamming into his, but strong hands held him still. Haldir continued his slow movements until Legolas begged and pleaded for mercy, and then gave in to his pleas. He ravaged the lithe form, pounding ruthlessly into the Prince's tight cavern.

Legolas clawed at the wall, Haldir's arms held him up as he lost strength in his legs, the pressure in his groin rising to an intolerable level. Haldir reached for Legolas' weeping cock, and it tightened at the touch. A few quick tugs was all it took before the Prince of Elves' seed spurted onto his lover's hand and the wall, stars in front of his eyes. Legolas' soft moans, along with the tightening of his body brought Haldir to his peak as well and he filled Prince with his essence, his love and desire for the golden Elf.

Haldir held the sated Legolas in his arms, not willing to move. He did not want to leave but would not ask to stay. Legolas remained silent, wishing for all the world that Haldir would not leave. Solving both their dilemmas, Haldir lifted his lover off ground and carried him to his bed.

(later)

Legolas watched as Haldir looked down upon him with loving eyes, unaware that he was feigning sleep. A gentle thumb caressed his cheek, and soft lips kissed his forehead. "Melin chen, Legolas," Haldir whispered, "I wish I was strong enough to tell you... but I am weak." A single tear escaped Haldir's eye and slowly traveled down his cheek. Legolas had to fight the urge to wipe it away, to take stubborn Elf in his arms and never let him go, but he knew well enough how furious Haldir would become if he found out he was only pretending to sleep. He continued to gaze upon Haldir until reverie finally took over.

By the time Legolas woke in the morning, the room was already filled with bright sunlight. He purred as he stretched his back, and extended a lazy arm to the side, expecting to find his lover there, but the space was empty. His heart began to race, ‘No, it cannot be.'

He found his tunic and leggings where they had left them last night, and hurriedly slipped them on. Legolas rushed out the door, hoping Haldir had not yet left Mirkwood.

" Ada!" he cried, spotting his father on his way to the dining hall for breakfast. "The messengers from ‘Lórien, did they leave?"

"Aye, ion. I suggested that they stay for breakfast, but they were in too much of a hurry to get the message back home. So punctual those ‘Lórien Elves are...."

"When?" Legolas demanded.

"Just a few minutes ago. If you need something I am sure you could still find them at the gates. What is it that is so important?" Thranduil asked, curious about his son's behavior and what business he had with the messengers from the Golden Wood, but the Prince had already run off.

"Haldir!" Legolas yelled as he ran to the three Elves you were just riding past the palace gates.

"You leave me without as much as a proper goodbye?" he asked, out of breath and looking up at the Marchwarden who sat upon a silver-gray horse.

"You were still asleep. I did not wish to wake you," Haldir answered, flatly.

"Sleep does not matter to me; I fear I may never see you again…"

"Mayhap you will not."

"And what about last night? Did it not mean anything to you?" Legolas did not care that Orophin and Rúmil heard everything.

"Aye, while it lasted. But it is over now."

"It does not have to be. I love you…" Legolas confessed.

"Your love is unrequited, sweet Prince." Haldir's voice was void of emotion, though his heart cried tears of sadness.

"That is not true," Legolas growled. "I heard you last night, when you thought I was sleeping. You love me as I love you."

Haldir's eyes flashed with anger, "You deceived me."

"Please do not be angry with me. I only wanted to enjoy every minute…"

"Go home, Legolas. I cannot give you what you seek." With that, Haldir rode forward. Both his brother's looked upon Legolas with sympathy, "Farewell, Prince of Mirkwood," Orophin said, and they followed Haldir, all three fading into the distance.

Legolas dropped to his knees, tears staining his face. "Damn you, Haldir.

*****

(years later)

‘Dearest Haldir,

I wonder, are you even reading this? If so, it may please you to know that this is my last letter to you. I have decided to sail west with the others— there is nothing left for me here.

Not a day has gone by, that I have thought about you, about how things might have been between us, had you accepted my love. Has this game not gone on long enough? You called yourself weak, yet it must take great strength to deny yourself your heart's desire only for the sake of your pride. I do not know what else to say, for I have already said everything many times before.

I would stay here if only you would ask me to, or I would gladly see you come with me. But I know that those are nothing more than dreams. Mayhap we will see each other again. If not, then farewell, meleth-nin.

Forever with Love,
Legolas'

Haldir rolled up the parchment, and threw it into a drawer full of letters from Legolas. It did not please him to know it would be the last one. Although he had never written back, those letters were what had kept him going.

Strength, Legolas called it. Nay, it was weakness. It would have taken more strength to get over his pain, to forgive Legolas' mistake, and give his heart to the one who had hurt him.

He remembered the few times that Legolas had come to the ‘Lórien border: hoping, waiting. He drank in the sight of the golden beauty from his talan, but never went to greet the Prince. A stubborn fool he was. Worse, he knew that he could not change.

Haldir traveled to the Gray Havens, to see off his Lord and Lady, but most of all to see Legolas for he felt would be the last time. The Prince was already aboard the ship when they arrived, and made no move to greet Haldir. But in his sapphire eyes, Haldir could see the undying hope.

*Tell him what truly lies in your heart, Haldir. You must find the strength within you to do so. If you let him get away, you may never love again; and remain alone, forever.* That last word was hissed, repeating and imprinting itself within his mind. Forever. Galadriel's eyes seemed to pierce through his very soul. Forever. It would seem far easier to confess his love to Legolas than to suffer an eternity of loneliness.

Haldir struggled for breath, feeling as if his chest was about to collapse. Tears began to flow as he stared into the eyes one he loved and who began to shed tears as well when the ship began to move, eventually to disappear into gray haze. Legolas was lost to him forever. He prayed that the Prince would love again; knowing that he himself would not.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The hills are burning, the forests are burning.
Between intervals of black fog,
the sun tumbles along the steep curb of the day.
The hills are burning, the forests are burning,
but no longer for me.
I miss your letters,
the warmth of your words.

Throw in between us
the widest of rivers,
the deepest current,
the farthest shore.
Throw in between us
What is evil within us.
Still, I will find you again.

The hills are burning, the forests are burning.
Before the dawn extinguishes them,
again a night will pass; again a day will pass.
The hills are burning, the forests are burning,
but no longer for me.
I miss your confessions,
the silence of your sleep.

Throw in between us
the longest year,
the saddest grief,
the dumbest mistake.
Throw in between us,
what is evil within us.
Still, I will find you again.

*****

Elvish:
ion – son
Meleth- nin – my love
Melin chen– I love you

*****

THE END

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