You Cut Off WHAT?!

You Cut Off WHAT?!

Posted: June 16, 2006
Title: You Cut Off WHAT?!
Author: Athos
Type: FCGen
Characters: Elladan, Elrohir, Elrond
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: The characters and setting belong to Tolkien; the plot is mine.
Warnings: questionable humor. Sparked from an LJ discussion on whether elves had foreskins, and who wrote them with or without them, and why.
Beta: Minuial Nuwing, Many thanks! Remaining mistakes are all mine.

Summary: 'Dan and 'Roh are...different.

*****

"'Roh! Wait up!" Elladan yelled at his twin, struggling to catch up. The two were coming from sword practice and were racing to their rooms, eager to get out of their filthy clothes and into a clean bath. Though they wouldn't get to practice with metal blades until their majority, which was still several decades away, they had begged so much that Glorfindel had finally relented, letting them practice with the vastly amused guard members with wooden 'swords'.

Flushed with exertion, Elrohir burst through the door of their chambers, Elladan flying not two steps behind him. "Beat you!" Elrohir exclaimed triumphantly.

Elladan grinned at his brother, stripping his own dirty clothes off and throwing them carelessly on the floor. His twin followed suit, and they were soon together in their big tub, splashing each other with hot water.

"Valar, I'm bruised all over," groaned Elladan.

Elrohir giggled. "Nana will bruise you some more if she hears you talking like that. You know, 'Don't use the Valar's name in vain'."

"Oh, come on! We're almost adults!" protested Elladan, gingerly poking at his side. "Roh, look at this one!" he rose from the water and pointed to a reddish bruise on his hip.

"Ouch," commented Elrohir, running a finger over it.

"Yeah, I think it was from that rolling evasion.... 'Roh, what is it?" Elladan asked, noticing that his twin was frowning and very still.

"What is that?" Elrohir asked, sounding vaguely revolted.

"What is what?"

"That!" Elrohir pointed to Elladan's penis, or, more specifically, to his foreskin.

"What do you mean, 'What's that'?" It's my penis, you ninny! You've got one, too, you know!" Elladan laughed.

"Not like that, I don't!" Elrohir stood beside his twin, and lifted up his own penis, sans foreskin.

They each stared at the other's elfhood for several minutes. Finally, Elladan whispered, "Do you think we should tell Ada?"

Elrohir looked up, mortified. "What?"

"Well, I mean, there's obviously something wrong with yours. It's missing a piece. They're going to be kind of important later...what if it's gradually disappearing? You might not have one left by our majority!" Elladan exclaimed in alarm, grabbing at his brother's hand to pull him from the tub.

"Now, hang on a minute!" Elrohir protested. "How come mine's the one messed up? Yours has something growing on it, for Valar's sake!"

"Don't use the Valar's name in vain," Elladan mimicked.

"If it makes that weird thing go away, then it won't have been in vain," Elrohir pointed out, looking pointedly at his twin's 'malformed' penis.

They were silent for a moment, each looking at his own penis, then at his twin's, then their eyes met...

" ADA!" they both shrieked in unison.

Elrond came running. "Elladan! Elrohir! What is it?" he asked, rushing into the bathroom.

"'Roh's penis is falling off, piece by piece!"

"'Dan's penis has something growing on it!"

Elrond's jaw dropped. He looked down his sons' bodies to their groins, where each twin had his hand cupped protectively. Realization slowly dawned on the healer's face as he grasped what the big deal was.

"Sons, nothing is wrong with either of you. It's something that happened when you were born," he explained, looking at them reassuringly.

"What do you mean?" "What was wrong with us?" the twins asked in unison, dropping their penises to hold on to each other tightly, fearing to know what had so terribly disfigured one or the other at birth.

"Nothing was wrong! Nothing is wrong!" Elrond assured. "It...well... It's a tradition. Most male elves, Noldor elves, at least, are circumcised—"

"Circum-what?"

"Circumcised, like Elrohir. But your Mother protested...the Sindar have something against it...so I didn't do it to 'Dan," Elrond stated. "They'll both work fine, I promise you."

"Didn't do what to me, exactly?" Elladan asked in a suspicious voice.

"I didn't remove your foreskin. Circumcision is when you cut off a male elfling's foreskin."

The hysterical shriek was heard all over Imladris. "You cut off WHAT?!"

*****

THE END

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