Posted: November 2004
Title: Steel Dove
Author: Alexa Bond
Type: RPS
Characters: Sean B/Viggo
Rating: R
Disclaimer: This never happened unless I have psychic powers and can change the past, present and future. Any likeness to real characters is all in your mind, nothing more. This is fiction, made up, never happened, not real....you want that in other languages as well? I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money off it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
Timeline: Set after the filming of LOTR. Therefore AU I guess.
Beta: Thanks so much to Widdershin for great beta and kind encouragement and through this getting me to post this fic despite my fears. Thanks so much, lov *hugs*
Warnings: RPS, angst, some disturbing images, mention of D/s, violence, mentions of sex. Love and romance to balance it all out though...at least I hope so *grins*
Author's notes: I don't know what in the world this fic is...a strange freak that's what it is. I'm not even sure if I should or ever will post it...
Summary: What happens when you break someone, thinking they wanted it, only to find they only broke because they loved you, not the things you did? Where do you go from there?

* * *

"We need to talk," Viggo's words were soft but firm, as always. Sean lifted his head from Viggo's naked chest where he had been comfortably dozing off.

"What do you wish to talk about?" he asked, frowning slightly in concern. Viggo let the hand that had been playing with Sean's hair cup his face.

"Us."

Sean got a cautious look in his eyes. He had learned that when a lover wanted to talk about 'us' when he was in a relationship it almost always meant there would be no 'us' a few hours later. "I don't think there's anything to talk about."

"Well, I think there is, so move my love, we're taking this debate to the livingroom," Viggo said firmly, his voice strong and commanding so Sean knew there was nothing more to be said on that subject.

Sean drew back and stood beside the bed, trying not to think, not to be nervous.

Viggo didn't seem angry with him, but one never could tell if he didn't want you to. Sean eyed his clothes on the floor where he had thrown them aside when Viggo had asked him to strip earlier that night. They had made love, showered and had just been relaxing, getting ready to sleep when Viggo had dropped his bombshell request. Sean ran over his performance in bed and recalled nothing but Viggo seeming very pleased with his skills with both hands and tongue.

"Do you wish me to dress?" he asked as Viggo left the bed and put on boxers and pants since they both slept naked.

Viggo barely glanced in his direction as he replied, deep in thought. "Yes."

Sean dressed quickly, knowing Viggo hated to be left waiting. By the time he had dressed in boxers and pants, thinking it wise to mirror Viggo's choice, Viggo had already left for the livingroom. Fighting back his nervousness Sean entered the room as well.

Viggo was standing by the large window in the room, the one facing the back garden. He had his arms crossed over his chest, one hand resting on his chin as he stared out over the starlit garden.

"Do you..." Sean started, but then fell silent. If Viggo wanted something from him when he was in this mood he'll let him know.

"I noticed something tonight," Viggo started slowly, thoughtfully, his eyes still on the garden. Sean remained standing a few feet behind him. "Well, actually I've noticed before, but haven't really wished to see it. Now I can no longer deny it."

He fell silent at this moment and remained so for several minutes. It became too much for Sean and he had to ask, "What did I do wrong?" Damn, why did he always get it wrong? He had thought he had understood what to do by now but then he had never gotten a rulebook.

Viggo turned around and faced him, smiling kind of sadly, "That's exactly what I wish to talk about."

"Me fucking up?" Sean asked with a frown.

Viggo shook his head, "No. I wanted to talk about us."

"Then do so."

Viggo sent him an annoyed look, "I'm getting there."

Sean lowered his eyes to the floor, by now knowing not to make Viggo angry. "Sorry," he mumbled. He hadn't meant to sound rebellious.

"Sean," Vig began, but Sean was still finding a particular spot on Viggo's livingroom carpet very interesting, "Look at me." The voice was soft but the command was undeniable. Sean lifted his eyes. Viggo's features softened, "It has been almost a year since Rings wrapped. Almost 2 since we started dating. After you left Rings you have been staying some months here and I some months in London. It has worked well with our shooting schedules, leaving us alone only for a month or two over a year."

"You want me to move here permanently?" Sean asked with a hint of discomfort. He didn't mind living with Viggo full time, but he loved England and couldn't imagine leaving for good.
Viggo gave him a searching look, "Would you?"

Sean considered it, "If you wanted me to."

"But you wouldn't wish to, would you?" he guessed insightfully and Sean squirmed, not sure if this could be seen as defiance. However, he knew that lying diffidently was a huge mistake so he had to settle for honestly.

"No."

"Then that's one of the things we need to talk about," Viggo said with a sigh.

"I'm not sure I understand," Sean admitted.

"Sean," Viggo said softly, lovingly and stroked Sean's cheek with his right hand. "I love you and I do not wish to ever hurt you. But we play a game in which I could end up doing so if you do not let me know of your limitations. I thought you knew this. In fact I took for granted that you knew the rules. You seemed to and I thought the mistakes you made in the beginning were defiance to test my resolve, my worthiness of your surrender. Now I see I was mistaken."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean..." he was rambling, he knew he was but all he could think about was that this relationship was heading towards one of those 'we need to talk, you have disappointed me, I'm leaving you' conversations that he had had way too many of in his life.

"Stop apologizing!" Viggo thundered and Sean immediately fell silent, his eyes again lowered to the floor.

"Lort [1]," Viggo mumbled and ran a hand through his hair in frustration.
Sean knew he was mumbling in Danish as he always did when he was upset and really wished he had managed to learn more than the odd words here and there after his time with him. "Sean...Did you even enjoy what we did last night? What I did to you?" he asked, his voice now under control again.

"Did I do something wrong?" His voice was steadier, his eyes still on the floor. He fought back the fear that he would be punished. It would serve him well if he was, he thought to himself, for fucking up...again. He would deserve it.

"I didn't ask that. Answer my question. Honestly," Viggo demanded.

"No," he admitted, blushing, feeling ashamed. It had been too rough, too painful. More like punishment than pleasure but Viggo had seemed to enjoy it so he had tried to do all the right moves, say all the right things.

"You don't like pain...in fact you don't even like rough sex, do you?" Viggo asked, but it wasn't really a question; more like a man who had just gotten a revelation. Sean remained uncomfortably silent. "Answer me." The voice was low but again the command was clear.

Sean shook his head. "No. Rough sex...occasionally but otherwise...no," he admitted, his voice low and forced out. This was it then. He had ruined it again. Hadn't done the right things last night, said the right things...he had ruined it like he did all his relationships.

What Viggo did next shocked Sean to his core. With a soft hand Viggo caressed his chest before he sank to his knees before him so that Sean could do nothing but look at his lover kneeling before him, something he had never, ever, done before. In fact just last night it had been the other way around as it had a lot of other nights. "Then why are you here?"
Something broke, what Sean didn't know but suddenly his legs gave way under him and he sank to the floor beside Viggo, a lump in his throat and tears shinning unshed in the corners of his eyes. "Because I love you."

Viggo's eyes glimmered with unshed tears as well. "Why did you never tell me?" he asked softly.

"That I love you?" Why hadn't he? Maybe because everyone else he had ever told it to ended up leaving him. Another way to try and control something he knew he really couldn't control.

"That but mostly...why didn't you tell me I was hurting you?"

Viggo's voice was filled with so much pain and guilt that it tore at Sean's heart but he shrugged as if it wasn't important, "I wanted you to feel good."

"By hurting you?! You think that makes me feel good?" Viggo's temper was rising and Sean flickered and instinctively drew a bit back from him.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. It seemed he could do nothing right tonight, but then Viggo kneeling before him had also completely thrown him off track.

"Maybe you somehow wanted to punish yourself for something, maybe you felt you deserved the pain, but don't use me to feed your self hate and path of self destruction," Viggo asked, no, more like he was begging, his voice breaking into pain and guilt.

"I..." He wanted to say, 'I didn't' but he stopped as he realized he had. He had felt he had ruined his ex-wives' lives...all his ex's lives. He had felt he had been a failure...like he had deserved that discomfort; that pain. It had been a small price to pay for the caring and gentleness Viggo would treat him with afterwards.
Viggo took a deep and calming breath. "What are you really looking for here, my friend?"

He could have said a million things. What he did say was simply, "a place to belong."
Viggo seemed thoughtful for awhile, as if trying to piece together a puzzle. "You knew what you were getting when we first slept together," Viggo said slowly, a small smile on his lips showing he recalled that night fondly. How he had first shown a then grief-stricken Sean who had been mourning the loss of yet another marriage, another lover, that pleasures could also come in the form of a man. Viggo had been trilled that he had been Sean's first male lover in any and all ways and their relationship had built on that, on Sean's insecurity, lack of experience and almost desperate need for someone to lean on, to take control. "You wanted me to control you, to guide you...why?"

Sean looked uncomfortable for a moment, but never once did he consider refusing to reply; not at this stage in their relationship. That lesson was one he had learned long ago. "I wanted...needed, someone who wouldn't leave me...I wanted a way to try and keep a sense of certainty."

"So by bending to me, following my rules, you kept control. You could easily make sure I was satisfied with you by simply doing as you were told and through this obedience make sure I didn't leave," Viggo guessed with the clarity that he had in most aspects of his life and Sean nodded and smiled somewhat ironically.

"I always was better at withstanding physical pain than emotional."

Viggo was silent for a few seconds, caught in the moment, "Could anyone have given you this?" His voice wasn't angry, just curious and sad.

Sean shook his head. "I didn't plan this out. You were my friend. Falling into this," with a hand he indicated Viggo's livingroom as if the room symbolized their entire relationship, "seemed natural."

Viggo nodded. It had seemed natural. Maybe too natural, too easy. Sean had been hurting and he had caught him at that stage. The extremeness of their relationship had been born from Sean's pain, Viggo realized now, and their relationship had made sure he never moved past it but instead held him where he had started, hurting, broken, believing he deserved nothing better. "How did you see this end?" Viggo asked softly, a hint of steel in his voice.

Sean shrugged uncomfortably. "I didn't," he said honestly.

"We cannot go back to how it was."

"Why not?" Sean's voice held an edge of defeat as if he had already resigned himself to losing another lover.

Viggo shook his head as he rose and looked down at the other man. Suddenly seeing Sean on his knees, knowing Sean felt he needed to do it to keep his love but didn't wish it, made him feel uncomfortable. "I already told you. This relationship was founded on too different foundations. I thought you wanted this...not that you needed this." His voice had grown colder as hurt had entered his eyes.

"I do want this," Sean insisted, not rising from the floor as he reached out a hand towards Viggo. The older man ignored it with a cold look masking his hurt and Sean let it fall to his lap. "Do you wish me to prove it to you?" he asked softly, his eyes on the floor, his mind trying to find a way to do just that.

"And how would you do that?" There was more curiosity and pain, almost a sigh of defeat, in Viggo's voice than any real challenge. Sean still chose to see only the challenge though; it was easier to respond to that then try to deal with the other mixture of emotions that was flickering across Viggo's face.

Sean smiled a little, trying for a seductive smile though the high emotions and sadness that lay over the situation made it hard. He looked up at Viggo as he moved a little closer to him. When Viggo didn't move away, just looked at him, Sean saw this as encouragement and he reached up to the edge of Viggo's pants, beginning to pull them down. He paused for a second to let one hand touch the bulge in Viggo's pants through the fabric. Viggo moaned softly. Sean smiled as he was face to face with the evidence of his lover's excitement and moved both hands to start to pull Viggo's pants down.

"No." Viggo's voice was stern though strained from the arousal he had just felt. He laid a hand over Sean's and gently but firmly pulled them away from him. Sean looked confused and questioningly up at him as Viggo drew a little back from him. "This proves nothing," Viggo explained as he willed his desire away.

"But..." Sean began but then fell silent and his eyes dropped to the floor. But this was how he had proved his love before. Why wouldn't it work now?

"Sean," Viggo said softly, sadly as he took a hand under his chin, forcing him to meet his eyes. "You have made up for any and all the times in your past relationships where you never bent by doing so always for me. You have shown that you do not have to dominate as I think you did in all your previous relationships. You have proved that you don't always have to be strong, know the way, stand alone...That you can be guided and lead and lean on someone. You have proved that the voice inside your head was wrong. The voice that said your former lovers were right when they said you never met them halfway, never considered their needs, never gave in...never gave an inch."

Sean tried to pull back, not wishing to hear this, but Viggo's grip on his chin became stronger, almost bruising and Sean stilled his struggles, resigned to the fact that whatever happened now was unavoidable.
"What do you wish of me?" he asked softly.
"I will know when you give it to me," Viggo said evenly, but with both warmth and sadness in his voice.

Sean thought for a while, truly considered Viggo's words. He was right. It was what he had been doing. Over-compromising. Trying to prove a point. Knowing what he had to do, not knowing if it was what Viggo wanted to hear but not caring for this was what he wanted...needed to do. "I love you," he simply said, giving the words that he had only spoken once before to him, earlier that night, the true depth and conviction he hadn't given them before. Viggo had often said the words, especially after a particular painful episode between them but he never had. Not until tonight.

Viggo smiled warmly down at him. "That was part of it," he said happily and bent to plant a soft kiss to Sean's lips. As he drew back Sean continued.
"I need..." Sean began, encouraged by Viggo's words and actions. "No," he stopped himself, thinking. "I wish, I want," he corrected, putting emphasis on the word want, "to spend the rest of my life with you."

"I never wanted anything else," Viggo replied warmly and Sean knew it was true. Viggo had never claimed anything than that he wished to keep Sean as his forever, a sentence he had used many times. Sean smiled happily, thinking they had resolved their crisis, but Viggo drew a little back as Sean reached for him. "We established where to go, beloved. We still need to figure out how to get there."

Sean looked up at him, not knowing what to do. "I..."

"Stand up," Viggo said and Sean instantly did so, his obedience earning a cross between a smile and a flicker of pain on Viggo's face. Viggo moved closer and caressed his cheek. "I will still be here," he said softly. "You do not need to crawl for me to stay with you." He let his hand fall away.

"But...I thought you wanted..." Sean began, surprise and shock on his face.

Viggo shook his head. "I did, at first. Before I truly loved you. Before you knew me, my interests, what pleases me."

Sean considered this. It had been almost a year since last he had done something wrong and upset Viggo. Aside from the occasional rough sex their relationship had been pleasant and loving lately. "How about your painting, my soccer, your writing and..." Sean began, frowning. He was afraid of this change now that things had just seemed to be going so well.

"Love," Viggo said with enough command for Sean to fall silent. "I said you needn't crawl. Not that you had to be selfish in your needs." Sean blushed at the hidden accusation. "We don't need to go from one extreme, you always considering my needs, to another, you never doing so."

"No." Sean agreed softly.

"When I paint you do as you've always done. Stay with me and quietly watch me work, read a book, go to the garden, watch TV in the other room...quietly. Whatever you wish to do. You'll respect my limits and I in turn will respect yours."

"You'll go to soccer matches with me?" Sean asked surprised, with a hint of hope in his voice. It would be nice to share this passion with Viggo though he knew the man's interest in soccer was limited to a few chosen teams, among other the Danish one of course, but that he in general preferred to spend his day doing something else than yelling at the TV or being surrounded by rabid fans in a stadium.

"Will you go to poetry reading with me?" Viggo asked with a raised eyebrow, trying to figure out how they now had to define their relationship.

Sean considered it. It wasn't terrible: he read poetry on occasion. He had read all of Viggo's...especially the ones the older man had written for and about him. "I could but I've always loved art more than poetry so couldn't we make it an art show instead?" he asked hopefully, a hint of teasing in his voice as he tried to lighten the tense atmosphere a little.

Viggo smiled, but it was controlled yet his reply held both humor and honesty. "Don't push your luck."

Sean flashed a smile before he grew serious again. "I'm not quite sure what you're asking here," he admitted.

"I'm asking what kind of relationship you want."

"You're asking me?" Sean asked surprised. He had never asked before. It hadn't been how their relationship had worked. Viggo had ordered; he had done it. Safe and secure in the knowledge that simply by doing whatever he was being told to do would mean his lover would never leave. That he would never be alone ever again.

"Of course. I love you and any relationship, no matter what kind, only works if both agree to it."

Sean considered this. "What kind do you want?"

Viggo's eyes narrowed but then his lips curved a little. "I think I just got my answer." Sean looked questionably at him so Viggo explained. "If we had continued our old relationship I would have had to punish you for not answering my question and since I know how you don't like either the pain or the humiliation then I gather you'll rather not want that."

Sean looked around uncomfortably. "Sorry," he mumbled and lowered his eyes.
"Sean," Viggo said and the command in his voice made Sean meet his gaze. "If your surrender to me was never what you wanted then we need to find another balance. A new balance."

"Do you want to?" This wasn't going to work if Viggo didn't want their relationship to change, Sean thought, and he didn't want to change if it meant losing Viggo. He couldn't lose another love. He wouldn't.

Viggo considered this for a moment. "In a relationship I am naturally dominating but I don't have to be this dominating. Somehow, you and me, just ended up here. As you said then it seemed natural at the time to drift this far. But it never had to be this extreme."

"Can't we just go back to how it was before?" Change was bad; it meant things could go wrong. He had just learned the rules. He couldn't change now.

"It would be easier but that's no longer possible."

"But..."

"No." Viggo's sharp voice softened as he saw the sadness and fear in Sean's eyes. "I do not wish to hurt you. I can't."

"So...this is it?" Sean asked sadly.

"It doesn't have to be the end," Viggo said warmly.

"I...I'm not sure what I want," Sean softly admitted.

"Find out," Viggo suggested, his tone mild.

Sean nodded before he simply said, "Kiss me." The soft command made Viggo raise an eyebrow at him, questioning, wondering. "Please," he added but kept his eyes bound to Viggo's, the sentence not a command, not a plea...something in between.
Viggo smiled as he drew Sean into a warm but possessive embrace, his lips commanding yet caring. Sean's arms closed around Viggo, drawing him even closer. As they drew apart Sean was smiling, a spark in his eyes. "Did that answer your question?" he asked, warmly, a hint of teasing in his voice.
Viggo looked thoughtful before he nodded with a smile on his lips and stroked Sean's cheek. "Yes. Submission without crawling or begging, sex with a tender roughness and love with a secure but gentle touch."

Sean hadn't put it into words but now that Viggo had he nodded his agreement. "Yes."
Viggo smiled as he held out his hand and without a moment's hesitation Sean took it. "Like a steel dove, min elskede, just like a steel dove," Viggo mumbled softly, lovingly and Sean smiled back, used to his lover's somewhat strange comparisons and odd ramblings. The Danish endearment he knew well. It meant 'my beloved' and Viggo had used it often. Now he felt those words were truer than ever.

"A steel dove that has found its ability to fly once again," Sean mumbled softly as Viggo led him back towards his bedroom...no, their bedroom, their love...their life. Finally they had found a balance they could both live with...more importantly a balance they both wanted. What others might say none of them cared about. They were now both satisfied with the way things were.

Later that night when Sean lay safe and warm in Viggo's embrace he wondered why he had never felt this secure when all the rules and chains had bound him. Now, freer, he felt more secure, more connected, more bound to Viggo, than all the chains in the world could ever do. Sean smiled happily, at peace, finally, with the way things were. He leaned up and kissed a sleeping Viggo's cheek before he fell asleep on his chest, his arms around Viggo's body, Viggo's right arm holding him in a strong but loving grip.

Translations:
[1] Lort is Danish for shit.

*****

THE END


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